Would you give seemingly desperate people a chance? (dating, boyfriend, long-term)
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I'm a 28-year-old single woman looking for a long-term relationship. Ideally, I'd like to settle down and have kids by my mid-30s. I'm active on a couple dating apps and this week I just subscribed to a dating website.
Last spring, I matched with a guy on one of these apps. He looked OK -- I wasn't instantly drawn to him -- but I'd certainly be willing to meet him for coffee and see if we hit it off. He seems quite normal, not a bad looking guy and I don't think you can get true sense of a person based on a couple photos/sentences.
I ended up going to Europe for the summer and kind of ignored my matches on the dating app. When I logged back in, I saw he'd messaged like 3-4 times spaced out over the summer, each time very drawn out messages of how he'd love to get together and he thinks we might have a lot in common.
I logged into Facebook and saw he'd also sent me a very long message to my "other" folder. I felt kind of creeped out that he'd managed to look me up on Facebook. I later saw he'd viewed my LinkedIn profile. The final straw occurred a couple weeks ago when I saw he followed me on Twitter and also sent another Facebook message hoping to meet up.
I replied to the message and lied and told him I had a boyfriend. He seemed to back off. Well, now, a couple weeks later, I just logged into the dating website and saw he had a profile on there. I clicked on it out of curiosity. I didn't message him or anything but I guess it showed him that I viewed his profile. He instantly sent me another message and said if I am now single he'd love to meet up.
I've been single for about three years. This kind of thing has happened to me on occasion over the years -- someone who reeks of clinginess and desperation before we've ever even met up. I generally delete or ignore them. My fear is if we meet up for a simple coffee, the stakes are so high now. I mean he's obsessed with some idea of who I am without even knowing me. And even if he's the nicest and funniest guy, it's hard to be attracted to clinginess -- I mean it's been five months, can he not get another date? Why is he so hung up on one particular girl he matched with?
But is this wrong? Am I turning down someone who may be great? I've been single for awhile and I am fully aware that I'm not perfect at dating. I'm not looking to date a player who never calls me -- I truly just want to meet someone I'm compatible with and where the attraction is mutual. Has anyone ever given a clingy person a chance, and did it work out? Have you ever been this clingy? What's the logic behind it?
Last edited by xxthinkpinkxo; 09-20-2018 at 01:13 PM..
I think that a reason this behavior is so unappealing, is that deep down, some/most people are aware enough to consider:
"So if I agree to ____ this person, I have no idea if I'll be into them or no. If I am not, and I want to discontinue the interaction, what bad behavior are they likely to throw my way for excusing myself from being their mate?"
Only, if it's a woman, the ____ blank, would be like the first date probably. If it's a man, the blank can be filled in by sex. I mean, at least sometimes, a guy is willing to overlook warning signs long enough to get laid. But he's still not going to want to let a woman get attached too fast, thinking she might end up going all stalker on him.
Long story short, it's a disrespect for boundaries. We do not expect a stranger to intrude on multiple aspects of our personal life uninvited. If he disregards your boundaries now, how much worse would it be if you gave him any encouragement? He is not displaying any empathy, because he's not worrying one bit about how it makes him look, that he is researching you online and popping up in all of your social media presences, trying to demand your attention.
So this goes beyond desperation. This shows a lack of understanding of other people's boundaries as well as a lack of empathy for other people. Not the kind of traits a sane person wants in a partner.
The man I am with now, well, I was his first relationship and he was 56 at the time, you'd think if anyone was desperate it would have been him. But he wasn't. He had made peace with the possibility of being alone for life and was just taking life as it came to him. No demands, no expectations. He had learned to play it cool. Every time I've ever given my time and attention to the kind of actually-desperate, clingy sort, it has ended in me having to break their heart. It sucks. I've never seen this sort of thing end well.
You seem to be hung up on him as he is to you. Most women would simply ignore his over-persistent behavior. I sense some desperation on your part too. Give it a shot! Ask him out.
I just read your OP aloud to my SO. He said another possibility is that this is the guy's MO. He showers every match with lots of attention, because sometimes it works.
Desperate does not exist to me. I'm either attracted to you or not and that alone determines whether or not I am open to advances. If I'm attracted to the guy, I'd consider aggressive yet respectful advances to be a good thing. If he was aggressive yet disrespectful, then he would just be lacking in respect and manners, which I'd pass on.
There are ways to be persistent without appearing desperate. This guy failed. Probably a severe lack of social skills, which makes him undateable in my book.
As a side note, I had a guy message me several times and I never responded. Last week I was out with a friend and noticed a strange guy kept staring at me. I blew it off and didn't think anything of it. When I got home, I had a message on the dating app saying "You look way better in person" and I recognized the guy as the I saw out earlier. I made the mistake of responding to him to say yes I saw him, but I'm not attracted to him and now he'll probably keep messaging me or worse try to talk to me if he sees me out again. (we most likely frequent the same spots)
As a side note, I had a guy message me several times and I never responded. Last week I was out with a friend and noticed a strange guy kept staring at me. I blew it off and didn't think anything of it. When I got home, I had a message on the dating app saying "You look way better in person" and I recognized the guy as the I saw out earlier. I made the mistake of responding to him to say yes I saw him, but I'm not attracted to him and now he'll probably keep messaging me or worse try to talk to me if he sees me out again. (we most likely frequent the same spots)
There are ways to be persistent without appearing desperate. This guy failed. Probably a severe lack of social skills, which makes him undateable in my book.
I don't know, when a woman feels lukewarm or unsure about a guy, yet open to letting him grow on her, a guy has to take it real slow in that situation. Too much, too soon and she will be scared off. But I think that's exactly what some guys do, try to go fast to not lose her attention, and it backfires. Slow, cool and steady is better.
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He instantly sent me another message and said if I am now single he'd love to meet up. 
