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A few months ago I met this guy in uni. I’m 21 and he’s 16 (he started at 14).
He used to live in my dorm building and we had mutual friends, besides I’m a naturally outgoing and friendly person, I like a person based on their personality. Anyway we started hanging out. We got close and he was there for me for some hard times I had. At some point I started sleeping over in his room, we’d eat dinner together and then fall asleep holding hands. (Seperate beds)
Then he started acting different. I noticed he would try to pull me away from friends by talking negatively about them to me and ruining his friendships with guys that would hit on me.
He had a habit of getting angry/petty over trivial things. (e.g: if I had a guy over at my room) he would actually kick him out of my room. Tell others “I was only his.” He was kicking a dog once that I used to pet to which I got angry. He threw food on the floor once because I didn’t pay attention to him. He would get involved in my problems without my consent (e.g: deleting a chat on my phone between me and an ex friend behind my back, sending a voice note insulting a friend I had problems with.) he would say if I liked a guy I should tell him first so he can research him. He also had bought me an expensive perfume before I left as a “thankyou gift”.
After I travelled back he was telling me he felt depressed. I was there for him, then he confessed that he likes me. Now I had made it pretty clear that nothing would ever happen between us because 1) the age difference and 2) I only saw him as a friend. He knew that I had a history of volatile relationships and friendships (and was almost raped by my best friend) so I didn’t like to date.
After that he said he doesn’t want to be friends and blocked me. However he came back an hour later blowing up my phone with calls and texts. He sent one of his friends to convince me to reply. He said he understands and would settle to just being my friend. Everything was fine. He’d speak to me daily and send me photos/videos of his adventures and whatnot and would ask for me to do the same. (We’re in different countries) Then he planned with my one of my friends a surprise for me. He asked her to buy me a necklace with a flower and print his letter. Then he wired her the money. He knows that I don’t usually accept gifts from men but he told me I should as it was an early birthday gift. I sent him a long message thanking him. Then he would bring it up in our conversations. Once telling me the price, second telling me how much effort and time it cost him to buy it.
However I got busy with a summer job and I would reply once a day. He started getting desperate, so one day he told me he had cut his wrists because of me. I felt depressed and asked him for time and space. He didn’t respect it. He started contacting my best friends and asking them for help to fix us. I kept talking to him and trying to pretend like everything was fine. Recently one of his friends contacted me saying he has changed. That he couldn’t stop crying and wakes up in the middle of the night screaming. He also advised me to block him. Then after I spoke to him today he sent me photos of his cuts.
He says his intentions are pure but I feel it’s borderline obsessive.
I don’t understand what is going on with him? I don’t think this behavior is acceptable. And I don’t know what to do
You were giving him mixed signals. Sure, you said you would only be friends, there was an age difference, you don't accept gifts, you "don't like to date," etc. But you would sleep in his room, hold hands, accept gifts, wrote him a "long" thank you message, and you knew he was acting possessive and had "confessed" he liked you. He started "acting different" precisely because he was attracted to you and saw the relationship differently than you, no matter how you might go on about only being friends, etc.
You liked the attention this boy was giving you. You like the drama. You have a "history of volatile relationships and friendships" – do you think that's all on the other participants? You really need to get honest with yourself about what part you are playing.
This will not be a popular opinion, I'm sure, but think about the "best friend who almost raped you." I'm assuming that best friend was male. Give some thought to what I'm telling you about sending mixed signals.
You do know what to do. Cut this kid loose and get to work on yourself, girlfriend. Preferably with a counselor.
Wait a minute. Can't you be arrested for being with a 16 year old when you're 21? Run don't walk to the nearest exit before you find yourself in deep trouble. What you're doing is inappropriate.
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