Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
3 months ago I went on a date with a guy. The first date went okay. It started off pretty well, but he was too controlling and somewhat aggressive. On that first date after being out that night and too many drinks and us making out, we ended up eating breakfast at a diner like at 2AM. I went to go pee while we waited for food. As I was finishing in the bathroom he walks in locks the door, throws me against the wall and wants to initiate sex with me (he didn't force it it was like a sexual dominant behavior type deal). It was kind of hot (like out of a movie, diner sex haha), we made out and got physical, but NO sex, I wouldn't allow it and didn't want it there (I have more class than that). I walked out saying that isn't my thing. The rest of the night he wanted to take me home, but I said no. Remind you this was our FIRST date.
The next morning he texted me saying how much of a great time he had with me, and then proceeded to tell me he wanted to have sex with me and sent me two pictures of his erect penis. In one of those pics with a marker he wrote good morning with a smiley face on his penis. Okay at this point I was done, had no interest in dating him. However, he's very hot, and great sexual chemistry so soon after, he did become a FWB type of deal where every few weeks I would come over, we would roll around in the hay, and then I would leave. Sex was amazing. He would want to do dinner with me, but I would say no, as I didn't want to confuse the situation since I don't want to date him. We had about 6 of those interactions, purely come over, have fun and leave.
It's been a month since we spoke or messed around. I texted him to see what he was up to this weekend, if he wanted me to come over to have fun. He texted me telling me how ridiculous I am and it was upsetting to him. That I am only looking for sexual fun and have a different agenda than his, being that he would like to seriously date.
I responded saying that if he didn't like where this all went, that he was the one setting the overly sexual tone from the get go. I reminded him that I was the one that pushed back from sexual activities on the first date. He accused me of using my agenda against him. But my agenda from the get go was to meet guys and see where things go. He took things to a sexual turn very quick. His behavior was how you treat someone you just want to have sex with, not date.
He said I am obviously confused on what he wanted. The guy is bad news in general IMO, hence why I don't ever want to date him just wanted to have fun. However, I realize that I may have made errors too. Was I perhaps not clear enough on my intentions? Was I taking advantage without knowing? I mean he wanted sex with me so I gave it, I just didn't want to date him. Or should it have been obvious from the purely 6 sex sessions and nothing else that we had? I told him since we have separate agendas that I would no longer reach out to him. I deleted his number.
I ask because I am trying to become more self aware and careful with others moving forward.
When you initiated the FWB with him, did you make it clear that that is what it was and not a relationship deal? I'm unclear from your post about whether you actually had a conversation with him stating specifically that you only want an FWB with him and nothing more. If you didn't specify, then it's not outside the realm of possibility that he misunderstood your intentions, regardless of his aggressiveness on your first date.
It's a little confusing because you acted like sex is SO important to you that you weren't gonna lower yourself to do it in a diner bathroom on the first date, but then you turn around and ONLY have sex with him like he's only good enough to be a FWB, not date you.
It definitely sounds like a huge communication/expectations breakdown.
Don't get me wrong ... the dick pic is a BAD move, but ... the whole thing is weird.
I get this odd feeling, that you think that a relationship structure is dictated by how fast you have sex. Like if you have sex early, or it's a priority early on, that you CANNOT have romance. Romantic relationships only look one way...holding off on sex and waiting (how long?) to build the relationship first.
If your thinking is that black and white, you should probably be discussing that in very frank terms with anyone you begin to date. Did you explicitly tell this man that if you had sex with him at that stage, you would view him as only a FWB (or perhaps more accurately, a FB) and that you would be unable or unwilling to go on to have a romantic relationship, specifically because of the early-stages sex? Like, did you make that clear when he was coming on strong?
I can tell you one thing from the perspective of a woman who has had plenty of male lovers...it does seem common that if a man has you around mainly for sex/hookups, that it's going to have a short shelf life before he'll be over it and no longer into doing that with you. Whether he wants to transition it into a romance, or he just wants to be done. Most guys won't be casual for the long term. And most of the guys I've known who are into casual sex, treat their lovers like the flavor of the week. (Actually, correction, women who are into casual sex sometimes do the same thing, come to think of it.)
When you initiated the FWB with him, did you make it clear that that is what it was and not a relationship deal? I'm unclear from your post about whether you actually had a conversation with him stating specifically that you only want an FWB with him and nothing more. If you didn't specify, then it's not outside the realm of possibility that he misunderstood your intentions, regardless of his aggressiveness on your first date.
So after the first date I was turned off so we didn't talk at all for a couple of weeks. After a couple of weeks, I was feeling a bit, you know horny, and said what the heck, since he wanted to have sex so badly when we first met. So i texted to him to see what he was up to, he said he was home, and I could come over for some fun, if I wanted to. Then after that it was just pretty much we would just text each other when horny, come over, have fun, then leave. That's all it's been since.
So we never communicated it I suppose. Now looking back I guess I did take advantage, although if he would have never made such aggressive sexual advances on the first date, I would have never initiated sex with him later on.
I get this odd feeling, that you think that a relationship structure is dictated by how fast you have sex. Like if you have sex early, or it's a priority early on, that you CANNOT have romance. Romantic relationships only look one way...holding off on sex and waiting (how long?) to build the relationship first.
If your thinking is that black and white, you should probably be discussing that in very frank terms with anyone you begin to date. Did you explicitly tell this man that if you had sex with him at that stage, you would view him as only a FWB (or perhaps more accurately, a FB) and that you would be unable or unwilling to go on to have a romantic relationship, specifically because of the early-stages sex? Like, did you make that clear when he was coming on strong?
I can tell you one thing from the perspective of a woman who has had plenty of male lovers...it does seem common that if a man has you around mainly for sex/hookups, that it's going to have a short shelf life before he'll be over it and no longer into doing that with you. Whether he wants to transition it into a romance, or he just wants to be done. Most guys won't be casual for the long term. And most of the guys I've known who are into casual sex, treat their lovers like the flavor of the week.
Honestly I had no interest in dating him and having a romantic relationship with him. Had nothing to do with the how fast he wanted to have sex. It was more the way he went about it. He was very aggressive, too aggressive actually, where I even had vibes this guy may be physically abusive towards others. On our date he would tell me where to sit, would not let me order for myself. I don't see sex at the very beginning as a bad thing, but it's more the way one goes about it. Throwing me against the wall and trying to have sex with me in the diner bathroom, while it's hot in a sexual way, is a bit much for a first date. Then sending me pictures of his penis the next morning after I declined sex, I mean come on, that's a terrible move and killed any potential in me wanting to date him,
I was actually totally fine with it fading away and wasn't expecting anything from him. I was just surprised from his response to this last text message. Again, I had zero interest in dating him, and for me, to your point he was just a flavor i was enjoying. It was just his reaction towards me made me think maybe I did something wrong.
... although if he would have never made such aggressive sexual advances on the first date, I would have never initiated sex with him later on.
No, you would be dating him and having the same sex regularly, in the context of a relationship, if he had acted right on the first date, or at least that is what the first post implies.
Hitting him up when you were horny definitely is a user move though.
No, you would be dating him and having the same sex regularly, in the context of a relationship, if he had acted right on the first date, or at least that is what the first post implies.
Hitting him up when you were horny definitely is a user move though.
To your second point I could see that. He put such an emphasis on sex from the get go, that really was the impression of what I got of what he really wanted in the beginning. It felt more of like a lust situation than a wanting to get to know me better. Which is okay, because in all honesty, aside from the sex stuff, personality wise I didn't see potential nor was I particularly attracted to his personality. But the sexual chemistry and lust factor was very strong, obviously.
You both were confusing, IMO. The question is, do you think you would like to transition into a relationship with him? If so, then just tell him that you would like to and try to start over.
Well, all I can say, is that if he wanted a sub to his Dom then he really ought to have negotiated for that. If that's the game he wants to play, he needs to learn to do it properly. Certainly not spring it on people on a first date, jeez.
So he was too red-flaggy to relationship with, but he was a hot lay to have a good time with rather than staying home bored and lonely and restless and horny, huh? Well I cannot judge. I've been there and done that. But I always had some part of me thinking, "Ya know, that probably wasn't such a smart idea" ...maybe the whole thinking with the little head thing, y'know?
I wouldn't overthink if you did something wrong necessarily. It was a fling. It had its season. Now it's done, unless your mutual bored/lonely/restless/horny needs should, one cold night, align once more...
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
