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This is the story of a what happened between a co-worker and I this year. I posted about it a few months ago.
I’m 35 and have been disabled with arthritis for most of my adult life, as a result of which I can only do call center work, still live with my father, and have no life. Prior to last June, I had never dated.
December 2017, I started at a new call center, where a very attractive 40 year old member of the training staff started flirting with me while she was my trainer. This behavior included physical touch, frequent compliments, and several overtly sexual comments. Believing she was out of my league and only messing with me for amusement, I feigned disinterest, mostly by simply ignoring her. But in secret, I was always very attracted to her, and over the months developed a massive crush.
After about four months of this, after I had left training, she added me on Facebook one night and came onto me hard over messenger. She said that she was very attracted to me, and the fact that I didn’t seem interested in her drove her crazy, and made a serious proposition about getting together outside of work. She was very sexual. I declined at first, knowing it was a really bad idea, but was so enticed that I agreed to go out with her two weeks later.
We dated casually for five weeks and had an awkward, but enjoyable relationship. I had no idea what I was doing and mostly made a beta douche of myself. We never had sex. There was a verbal offer of sex on the table, but I was too timid to either make or allow it to happen when I had the chance. I became very infatuated with her, but was careful to not to reveal my feelings because I knew hers were nowhere near as strong.
The first week of July, she invited me to spend the first weekend of August, when she wouldn’t have her daughter, with her at her place. There was an explicit offer of sex. I accepted the invite.
A week later, she shut down on me and went cold overnight. She didn’t say anything, but it was like a switch had flipped, and she became aloof st work and drastically decreased contact with me. The warmth and flirtatiousness was totally gone. Within a week I knew it meant that she was done with me as a prospective lover. She continued including me in group activities, but mostly stopped giving me individual attention. I played it off like I was unbothered and to my knowledge didn’t give her any reason to doubt that I’d gotten the message. I continued interacting with her as a platonic friend for three weeks. The whole time, I was desperately hoping she would warm back up to me, and tried to come up with the balls to talk to her, but I knew she had lost interest so I never said anything.
At the end of July, our call center closed down. I got laid off, and she got transferred to another site within the same company.
The first Friday of August, the weekend she’d promised to spend with me, she shared in our group text that she was planning to have someone over to hook up that night. Whoever it was, it wasn’t me. So she replaced me in her plans with someone else and announced the fact where she knew I would read it. I still don’t know whether she did this deliberately to reinforce that she was done with me, or didn’t consider my feelings one way or another, or if I had played the role of a friend convincingly enough that she honestly thought I wouldn’t care.
I was devastated and immediately cut contact. After a week she reached out to check on me, and I only told her to remove me from the group text.
She reached out to me several times over the next month. Each time, I acted out in a way that probably exposed the fact that I was deeply butthurt and ego bruised over her rejection of me. I was hurting so bad I couldn’t act normally. First I unfriended her on FB, then regretted it and sent her a new friend request with an apology. Later she contacted me to tell me she could get me a job at the site she was transferred to, and I declined with a hostile remark. She rescinded the offer and never reached out again.
For the next two months, our only interaction was over FB, where she continued to like and comment on my posts, although I didn’t touch hers. I finally made the decision to block her, severing the last connection in our relationship. As things are now, I don’t expect to ever see or hear from her again...unless I deliberately go where she is.
I got a new job another city, but the commute is three times the distance as my old one, 3-4 hours a day total and more when traffic is bad. I can’t manage this. There are few call centers in my region and this is the only kind of work I can do. In another 3 months I will be eligible for re-hire at the site where she works now, which is close to home. This would by far be my best job option… except for her presence there.
I’ve accepted that she has rejected me, and that this is permanent, and completely given up any hope of ever dating her again. I know I shouldn’t have dated her in the first place and wish I had just stuck to my guns when I initially said no.
I feel total, utter humiliation at what happened between her and I and how I made myself look in her eyes. She went from flirting with me, chasing me, and begging me to date her, to blowing me off for another guy and announcing it in front of me. She went from being willing to break rules and risk her job to **** me to considering me un****able. I declined her advanced for six months, and she shut me down in the end. I think she is very likely aware of exactly what I am feeling.
The only way for me to deal with this is for her to be dead to me. I have nothing against her, but I NEVER want to see her again.
The way I feel now, it would be horribly uncomfortable for me to work with her. Due to her position there, it might be impossible to avoid daily interaction with her. There is no way for me to act normal. I don’t want to be friends, nor do I want to come across as bitter by ignoring or being hostile. I don’t want to act in any way that betrays how badly her rejection affects me. I just want to be able to look her in the eye and be totally, utterly unphased, but I don’t feel like I can.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,758,476 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by SWFL_Native
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I’ll get to the point for everyone. OP, if seeing her would bother you that much, dammit don’t take the job there. It’s that simple. I would highly recommend seeking a new line of work too.
There might have been a mutual attraction, but the fact that you could offend each other so easily means that you were not meant for each other, in spite of the attraction. This kind of thing happens all the time to most people. Some people even get married before they realize their mistake. Then it becomes a divorce.
I want to say I am so sorry you had to deal with such cruelty towards you.
That said, I think given your disability and chances of finding another line of work is so difficult, I would take the job. It seems like you are able to ignore her. Keep doing that. It will be uncomfortable at first but what is more uncomfortable, seeing her in the hallways or your empty pockets?
It the situation becomes unbearable and you feel SHE is crossing the line at work, talk to HR. I am assuming best case scenario she will ignore you back. In case she does not, you have a way out.
Tell HR that she flirts with you , makes you uncomfortable and you do not want to reciprocate. Tell them she continues to do this and you do not know what to do. They will ask you if you had a relationship with her and you are better off being honest. You will need to admit you reciprocated at one point(once) but you were were always felt like she was just teasing you. When you walk out of there the picture needs to be, she is harassing you in the workplace and you are a victim. I believe that you are, you need to make sure HR knows that.
Don't tell them you took the job knowing it could be a problem, they do not need to know that. That is not the issue.
The issue is what she is doing at that moment and how that interferes with your job TODAY. That is called sexual harassment and it is against the law in the workplace. They should take care of her, speak to her and she will need to back off or face consequences.
Don't let her bully like that or ruin you financially.
This is the story of a what happened between a co-worker and I this year. I posted about it a few months ago.
...
I got a new job another city, but the commute is three times the distance as my old one, 3-4 hours a day total and more when traffic is bad. I can’t manage this. There are few call centers in my region and this is the only kind of work I can do. In another 3 months I will be eligible for re-hire at the site where she works now, which is close to home. This would by far be my best job option… except for her presence there.
I’ve accepted that she has rejected me, and that this is permanent, and completely given up any hope of ever dating her again. I know I shouldn’t have dated her in the first place and wish I had just stuck to my guns when I initially said no.
I feel total, utter humiliation at what happened between her and I and how I made myself look in her eyes. She went from flirting with me, chasing me, and begging me to date her, to blowing me off for another guy and announcing it in front of me. She went from being willing to break rules and risk her job to **** me to considering me un****able. I declined her advanced for six months, and she shut me down in the end. I think she is very likely aware of exactly what I am feeling.
The only way for me to deal with this is for her to be dead to me. I have nothing against her, but I NEVER want to see her again.
The way I feel now, it would be horribly uncomfortable for me to work with her. Due to her position there, it might be impossible to avoid daily interaction with her. There is no way for me to act normal. I don’t want to be friends, nor do I want to come across as bitter by ignoring or being hostile. I don’t want to act in any way that betrays how badly her rejection affects me. I just want to be able to look her in the eye and be totally, utterly unphased, but I don’t feel like I can.
I'm going to say this in the nicest way possible ... you need to get over yourself.
If people haven't read your other thread on this debacle, they should, particularly post #23. You have a way of dramatically portraying yourself as the victim, when in reality you lunged headlong into this mindset.
SO this is not about some failed romance between you and this coworker. It's about survival. You NEED to work, so you just have to decide what situation is tenable for you.
I hope you have pursued therapy because, based on your posts here, you have serious emotional issues that need to be addressed so that you can interact with women in a non-harmful way.
This is the story of a what happened between a co-worker and I this year. I posted about it a few months ago.
I’m 35 and have been disabled with arthritis for most of my adult life, as a result of which I can only do call center work, still live with my father, and have no life. Prior to last June, I had never dated.
December 2017, I started at a new call center, where a very attractive 40 year old member of the training staff started flirting with me while she was my trainer. This behavior included physical touch, frequent compliments, and several overtly sexual comments. Believing she was out of my league and only messing with me for amusement, I feigned disinterest, mostly by simply ignoring her. But in secret, I was always very attracted to her, and over the months developed a massive crush.
After about four months of this, after I had left training, she added me on Facebook one night and came onto me hard over messenger. She said that she was very attracted to me, and the fact that I didn’t seem interested in her drove her crazy, and made a serious proposition about getting together outside of work. She was very sexual. I declined at first, knowing it was a really bad idea, but was so enticed that I agreed to go out with her two weeks later.
We dated casually for five weeks and had an awkward, but enjoyable relationship. I had no idea what I was doing and mostly made a beta douche of myself. We never had sex. There was a verbal offer of sex on the table, but I was too timid to either make or allow it to happen when I had the chance. I became very infatuated with her, but was careful to not to reveal my feelings because I knew hers were nowhere near as strong.
The first week of July, she invited me to spend the first weekend of August, when she wouldn’t have her daughter, with her at her place. There was an explicit offer of sex. I accepted the invite.
A week later, she shut down on me and went cold overnight. She didn’t say anything, but it was like a switch had flipped, and she became aloof st work and drastically decreased contact with me. The warmth and flirtatiousness was totally gone. Within a week I knew it meant that she was done with me as a prospective lover. She continued including me in group activities, but mostly stopped giving me individual attention. I played it off like I was unbothered and to my knowledge didn’t give her any reason to doubt that I’d gotten the message. I continued interacting with her as a platonic friend for three weeks. The whole time, I was desperately hoping she would warm back up to me, and tried to come up with the balls to talk to her, but I knew she had lost interest so I never said anything.
At the end of July, our call center closed down. I got laid off, and she got transferred to another site within the same company.
The first Friday of August, the weekend she’d promised to spend with me, she shared in our group text that she was planning to have someone over to hook up that night. Whoever it was, it wasn’t me. So she replaced me in her plans with someone else and announced the fact where she knew I would read it. I still don’t know whether she did this deliberately to reinforce that she was done with me, or didn’t consider my feelings one way or another, or if I had played the role of a friend convincingly enough that she honestly thought I wouldn’t care.
I was devastated and immediately cut contact. After a week she reached out to check on me, and I only told her to remove me from the group text.
She reached out to me several times over the next month. Each time, I acted out in a way that probably exposed the fact that I was deeply butthurt and ego bruised over her rejection of me. I was hurting so bad I couldn’t act normally. First I unfriended her on FB, then regretted it and sent her a new friend request with an apology. Later she contacted me to tell me she could get me a job at the site she was transferred to, and I declined with a hostile remark. She rescinded the offer and never reached out again.
For the next two months, our only interaction was over FB, where she continued to like and comment on my posts, although I didn’t touch hers. I finally made the decision to block her, severing the last connection in our relationship. As things are now, I don’t expect to ever see or hear from her again...unless I deliberately go where she is.
I got a new job another city, but the commute is three times the distance as my old one, 3-4 hours a day total and more when traffic is bad. I can’t manage this. There are few call centers in my region and this is the only kind of work I can do. In another 3 months I will be eligible for re-hire at the site where she works now, which is close to home. This would by far be my best job option… except for her presence there.
I’ve accepted that she has rejected me, and that this is permanent, and completely given up any hope of ever dating her again. I know I shouldn’t have dated her in the first place and wish I had just stuck to my guns when I initially said no.
I feel total, utter humiliation at what happened between her and I and how I made myself look in her eyes. She went from flirting with me, chasing me, and begging me to date her, to blowing me off for another guy and announcing it in front of me. She went from being willing to break rules and risk her job to **** me to considering me un****able. I declined her advanced for six months, and she shut me down in the end. I think she is very likely aware of exactly what I am feeling.
The only way for me to deal with this is for her to be dead to me. I have nothing against her, but I NEVER want to see her again.
The way I feel now, it would be horribly uncomfortable for me to work with her. Due to her position there, it might be impossible to avoid daily interaction with her. There is no way for me to act normal. I don’t want to be friends, nor do I want to come across as bitter by ignoring or being hostile. I don’t want to act in any way that betrays how badly her rejection affects me. I just want to be able to look her in the eye and be totally, utterly unphased, but I don’t feel like I can.
OP, I'm sorry this happened to you. You got played, and by a supervisor, no less! That's really out of line. You shouldn't have taken the bait. You should have reported her. But maybe you felt like you might be risking your job, if you reported her?
Hold your head up high. Keep interactions professional. She was a real jerk toward you, so remember that; don't let yourself get hung up on someone who's manipulative, like that. It's not worth it. SHE's not worth it. Keep telling yourself that.
Before you go in to start the job, take some time at home to do an exercise, to detach from her. Write a poison pen letter, letting whatever comes to mind flow onto the page. Keep writing, as long as there's words in you to write. Get it all out, and onto the page. Multiple pages, if necessary. Write until there's nothing left. Then, do a disposal ritual. You can burn the letter in the sink (where it's safe to do so). Watching it all go up in flames can be therapeutic. Or you can go out in the back yard, shred it to pieces, and bury it. Or you can tear it into tiny little pieces and flush it. (Probably not a good idea, if you have more than one page, plumbing-wise.). See how you feel, a few days later. Repeat one more time, if necessary. This does help. It moves the energy, from rattling around inside you, out of your system.
Best wishes. SHE screwed up, you didn't. Her behavior was outrageous! If there are any further incidents, flirting, asking out, etc. keep a log, with time and date of incident, & brief description. Keep this where she won't find it. If it continues, file a complaint, saying that the harassment is making it impossible for you to focus on your work. I doubt she'll go that far, but who knows.
I'm going to say this in the nicest way possible ... you need to get over yourself.
If people haven't read your other thread on this debacle, they should, particularly post #23. You have a way of dramatically portraying yourself as the victim, when in reality you lunged headlong into this mindset.
SO this is not about some failed romance between you and this coworker. It's about survival. You NEED to work, so you just have to decide what situation is tenable for you.
I hope you have pursued therapy because, based on your posts here, you have serious emotional issues that need to be addressed so that you can interact with women in a non-harmful way.
I noticed that the OP left out the part where his coworker pursued him while he continually rejected her advances. He had some strange push-pull relationship with her where he pushed her away when she came on to him, then pulled her back in when she started to back off. This woman was completely justified in finding a better partner.
Anyway, I don't really understand the point of this thread. You can either move out of your dad's house or choose to work with her.
I noticed that the OP left out the part where his coworker pursued him while he continually rejected her advances. He had some strange push-pull relationship with her where he pushed her away when she came on to him, then pulled her back in when she started to back off. This woman was completely justified in finding a better partner.
Anyway, I don't really understand the point of this thread. You can either move out of your dad's house or choose to work with her.
She was a supervisor! She was NOT justified in finding ANY partner among her staff that she supervised! She was using her hires for her own personal gratification! She only looked on the OP as a potential conquest, nothing more, I have no doubt. Who runs this company? The office was like a soap opera set! ALL of it was completely inappropriate.
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