Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I feel a bit pathetic writing about this, but it has troubled me for a long time. It's probably just my own personality that's the problem, but I want to find a way of dealing with it.
About 14 years ago, some 14 years into what I thought was a secure and happy marriage, I was devastated to discover my wife was having an affair with a colleague at work. Although she vehemently denied it for months, I eventually found proof of the affair that she could not deny, and she then admitted it. She admitted she had allowed herself to get too close to her colleague with whom she found she could discuss problems at work and who was very sympathetic and supportive. She said she did not want to bring her work problems home, although I'm sure would have been as sympathetic and supportive as he was! It then gradually escalated into en emotional affair (with ages spent texting one another), and then eventually, a physical affair. it took ages to get her to break contact, although working in the same place was not helping. Eventually, I took the matter into my own hands and after scrutinising the job vacancies in her field of work, showed her a great job that was advertised - except it was overseas, although that was the main attraction for me! She applied for, and got the job and we moved away. Since then she has had no contact with the affair partner who, in fact, has now divorced his wife and married a young woman in his workplace with whom was also having an affair.
I thought everything was going OK until a few years later, I found that my wife had been conducting regular online communication (texts and FaceTime) with an old flame from her schooldays (well she says she was aware that he fancied her, but she saw him as just a school colleague). However, when I accidentally became aware of the frequency of their contact and the content of it, I felt that while she was just being friendly with him, he seemed to have quite another agenda in relation to her! When I asked her about it and said that I felt very uncomfortable with her having regular contact with a member of the opposite sex who was not a mutual friend, and who appeared to want more than just an exchange of messages from her, she apologised and admitted that it was a mistake to respond to his initial overtures (via LinkedIn), and told him that she did not want to continue the contact, and asked him not to contact her. He still does try to contact her, but she always tells me and never responds.
Despite all that, I continue to feel very anxious and insecure, almost to the point of becoming paranoid, when my wife is working away (which she has to do quite often). We try to maintain regular contact when she is working in another country, but if, for some reason, she fails to contact me when she says she will, or fails to respond to my message or phone calls I become very anxious. There is always a good reason for her lack of response (unexpected work & social commitments etc) but knowing that doesn't help.
How would you suggest I deal with this? I feel I cannot raise it with my wife as I know she would feel that I didn't trust her and would feel quite offended.
Unfortunately, we can't tell you how to process your emotions and feelings. I think it's about figuring out whether or not you can accept this new reality, and deal with the insecurities due to her infidelity. Maybe counseling will help?
I feel a bit pathetic writing about this, but it has troubled me for a long time. It's probably just my own personality that's the problem, but I want to find a way of dealing with it.
About 14 years ago, some 14 years into what I thought was a secure and happy marriage, I was devastated to discover my wife was having an affair with a colleague at work. Although she vehemently denied it for months, I eventually found proof of the affair that she could not deny, and she then admitted it. She admitted she had allowed herself to get too close to her colleague with whom she found she could discuss problems at work and who was very sympathetic and supportive. She said she did not want to bring her work problems home, although I'm sure would have been as sympathetic and supportive as he was! It then gradually escalated into en emotional affair (with ages spent texting one another), and then eventually, a physical affair. it took ages to get her to break contact, although working in the same place was not helping. Eventually, I took the matter into my own hands and after scrutinising the job vacancies in her field of work, showed her a great job that was advertised - except it was overseas, although that was the main attraction for me! She applied for, and got the job and we moved away. Since then she has had no contact with the affair partner who, in fact, has now divorced his wife and married a young woman in his workplace with whom was also having an affair.
I thought everything was going OK until a few years later, I found that my wife had been conducting regular online communication (texts and FaceTime) with an old flame from her schooldays (well she says she was aware that he fancied her, but she saw him as just a school colleague). However, when I accidentally became aware of the frequency of their contact and the content of it, I felt that while she was just being friendly with him, he seemed to have quite another agenda in relation to her! When I asked her about it and said that I felt very uncomfortable with her having regular contact with a member of the opposite sex who was not a mutual friend, and who appeared to want more than just an exchange of messages from her, she apologised and admitted that it was a mistake to respond to his initial overtures (via LinkedIn), and told him that she did not want to continue the contact, and asked him not to contact her. He still does try to contact her, but she always tells me and never responds.
Despite all that, I continue to feel very anxious and insecure, almost to the point of becoming paranoid, when my wife is working away (which she has to do quite often). We try to maintain regular contact when she is working in another country, but if, for some reason, she fails to contact me when she says she will, or fails to respond to my message or phone calls I become very anxious. There is always a good reason for her lack of response (unexpected work & social commitments etc) but knowing that doesn't help.
How would you suggest I deal with this? I feel I cannot raise it with my wife as I know she would feel that I didn't trust her and would feel quite offended.
If you cannot raise the issue with your wife, then the initial problem that set the stage for her first affair is still there ... you don't have emotional intimacy.
You've described a LOT about her deception and your insecurity, but you haven't addressed the most important part, which is the marriage bond.
Did you two go to any kind of counseling after the affair? Simply moving away isn't going to repair the emotional lack that existed between you at the time.
She should NOT be offended if you ask her about her actions because anyone who has had an affair should know that secrets breed sickness, and the ONLY way for a marriage to heal after an affair is to have total and complete openness between the spouses.
That doesn't mean that you are in a perpetual role of jailer, checking up on her and demanding to see her texts and messages. But she should be more than happy to volunteer to you anything you need to feel secure about what she's doing. The fact that she was messaging the old flame is a bad sign that she still feels the urge to have a dual life.
It sounds like she has a well-established pattern of hiding her true desires. For some reason she doesn't feel like she can be her true self with you, and that is what you need to look into.
The only way you two will be able to stay married and be happy is to get marriage counseling so you have a safe space to express yourselves and an impartial party present to guide the discussion in a healthy way.
Your wife likes to play the field. Let her, without a husband at home. She will probably never change, and she'll keep hiding her affairs. She might also be having ONS behind your back too.
There is something missing from your relationship. If there wasn't she wouldn't be reaching for something else trying to fill that void. Why do you feel like she needs something else? Has she ever voiced needing more?
Unfortunately, we can't tell you how to process your emotions and feelings. I think it's about figuring out whether or not you can accept this new reality, and deal with the insecurities due to her infidelity. Maybe counseling will help?
This sums it up tbh.
(To OP)
Really, having an affair is such a blow to a relationship, and it can have such an effect.
I don't know what I'd do if I found out my girlfriend/spouse was having an affair. I do think I would be a little more cool and "relaxed" in my faithfulness. But from what you said, you two got together when the culture was vastly different. And it is natural to have concerns in this case because if it happened before, it could happen again.
I'd suggest counseling as well to not only help you process this, but to also help you in what to do about this marriage (whether to stay or go, etc.).
A Leopard cannot change its spots, and the tiger cannot change its stripes . One can't change one's essential nature. She's never going to change amigo.
Your wife likes to play the field. Let her, without a husband at home. She will probably never change, and she'll keep hiding her affairs. She might also be having ONS behind your back too.
In 14 years the only thing she's done is communicate with an old friend, which she ceased doing on your request but for the last 14 years you've just been waiting for her to transgress again???
And it is simply not true that just because a person had an affair they will definitely have more.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
