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IMO, you're letting her call all the shots, when in reality, she needs you definitely more than you need her.
I'd tell her that you have a condition for staying and getting her through her treatments, and that is that she WILL accompany you to couples therapy, and she WILL be more forthcoming, and if she feels like she can't or won't, you're out.
She'll come around.
oh, she'll go to couples therapy but will stop the moment she has to tell the truth about pretty much anything or she'll try out a new lie or she'll use her genius-level iq to wriggle out of it somehow. the fact is, she has a driving need to appear perfect and if anything threatens that view of her own perfection, she'll do whatever it takes to get it restored. in the past, she has told me some whopper lies and found a way to make me believe them. looking back at it, i can't believe i fell for them but i did, because my need for her seemed so great.
i don't feel that same need so much anymore, but i am in this situation i can't get out of. the best i can do is work on managing it and try not to go bonkers in the process.
Formerly: yup, we're still living together. her surgery is in a week or so.
bob: i hear ya but, to my way of thinking, it's too late for that. anyway, i do have some sympathy for her. the guy is a hardcore dark narc and he got his hooks into her but good. and i guess he still does, despite what she says.
btw / i suppose i'm not looking for stay-go advice; more: how to manage my expectations and feelings going forward. my shrink says it's going to take "extreme self care" on my part, but what that amounts to, we have yet to talk about.
my question is, how do i handle not being able to talk to my so-called partner about anything having to do with the past or, indeed, the present, if it's emotional in nature and not about cancer? i mean, she hasn't done one thing to help me get over what she did. and now i'm having to live with that day in and day out.
i feel incredibly selfish for thinking about myself at a time like this but i'm having serious issues stuffing my own feelings and worries in a closet.
I don't understand why you want to talk about the past.
Formerly: yup, we're still living together. her surgery is in a week or so.
bob: i hear ya but, to my way of thinking, it's too late for that. anyway, i do have some sympathy for her. the guy is a hardcore dark narc and he got his hooks into her but good. and i guess he still does, despite what she says.
btw / i suppose i'm not looking for stay-go advice; more: how to manage my expectations and feelings going forward. my shrink says it's going to take "extreme self care" on my part, but what that amounts to, we have yet to talk about.
Hmmm. That certainly makes your situation far more challenging. I definitely understand your sympathy for her predicament regarding her cancer diagnosis, but please do not excuse her previous (and likely current) bad behavior by giving her any sympathy in connection with her infidelity and lies.
Moving out and simply being there for her in order to be true to your word might be best. You're not in the right headspace for a FWB situation with her and your past circumstances with her do not lend themselves well to that sort of a set-up either. Ever. Get that notion out of your head as soon as possible. It's a horrid idea. There are few benefits to being friends with a dishonest person.
Bank on needing to cut ties with her once your verbal promise has been fulfilled and her life has become its post-cancer "new normal." Don't let her use her illness to use and manipulate you any further.
You need to set some healthy boundaries. I think you are in "hero" mode right now and you want to save her. I think you can be there for her as a friend and offer her emotional support, but that is as far as it can go-just like she told you she couldn't focus on your needs right now. Don't put the cart before the horse. Slow down and process some of this. Don't make promises you can't and don't want to keep.
You need to set some healthy boundaries. I think you are in "hero" mode right now and you want to save her. I think you can be there for her as a friend and offer her emotional support, but that is as far as it can go-just like she told you she couldn't focus on your needs right now. Don't put the cart before the horse. Slow down and process some of this. Don't make promises you can't and don't want to keep.
Worst mode to be in. You have to get out of that asap.
Formerly: yup, we're still living together. her surgery is in a week or so.
bob: i hear ya but, to my way of thinking, it's too late for that. anyway, i do have some sympathy for her. the guy is a hardcore dark narc and he got his hooks into her but good. and i guess he still does, despite what she says.
btw / i suppose i'm not looking for stay-go advice; more: how to manage my expectations and feelings going forward. my shrink says it's going to take "extreme self care" on my part, but what that amounts to, we have yet to talk about.
How do you know that the other guy didnt dump her, if she told him about the cancer, and thats when she called you? The amount of scandal shes probably hiding from you, you'd probably leave her if you found out.
Youd really stick by someone like that? You dont have to keep your word, she didnt do it for you.
BTW this woman has cancer and most people in this thread are telling you to leave her. Is it registering how bad the situation has to be for a unanimous vote to leave?
How do you know that the other guy didnt dump her, if she told him about the cancer, and thats when she called you? The amount of scandal shes probably hiding from you, you'd probably leave her if you found out.
Youd really stick by someone like that? You dont have to keep your word, she didnt do it for you.
BTW this woman has cancer and most people in this thread are telling you to leave her. Is it registering how bad the situation has to be for a unanimous vote to leave?
He's gonna do what he's gonna do. Even I admit, I would probably do the same thing, but the wise thing to do is leave.
...he can keep his word. "Be the better man". But my advice would be to vanish right after all is said and done.
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