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in brief: unfaithful live-in girlfriend now has breast cancer. now what do i do?
so, i went out w/ this girl for eight months hot and heavy, with us moving in together toward the end. many fights along the way, mainly w/ me trying to break up w her due to a suspected connection w an ex that she denied existed. turns out she'd mislead me about their relationship from date 1 and had, in fact, spent two months of our 8 cheating on me w/ him.
i left her but after a seven month absence she got back in touch w/ me and, bingo bango, 3 months later we're living together again, with her claiming to be a changed woman. plan had been to work through her infidelity with couples therapy, which she has refused to talk about since i discovered it and see if we couldn't get my trust in her to rise above the zero zilch nada none level.
well, then she was diagnosed with breast cancer. a true horror. and i felt terrible for her and swore that i'd see her through it and past recovery and that we'd have a great life together once she got better. as to couple's therapy, she said she couldn't deal with anything but her health and that therapy was off the table, now and in the future, and that there'd be no talk of her cheating and that guy, etc. no relationship talk, okay, because i'm about to have a body part removed. if anything needs to be dealt with, you have to deal w/ it on your own.
she swore that she was over that guy and never wanted to see him again, which she's said before, so how'm i to know? you'd think, given the uncertainties surrounding her health, she'd be true to her word, but i've learned that this girl is capable of just about anything. she's not a bad person but she is very messed up. and very dishonest. and no, in her online dealings, she is not transparent but again that topic is off limits.
do i love her? i don't know. i do know that i'm attached to her in a very unhealthy way. my therapist thinks i need to leave her right now today, but i've sworn to her that i'd take care of her, so that's what i've got to do. i did pack up and try to leave once but my guilt and listening to her horror at having to possibly face surgery alone made it impossible. (she doesn't have any friends she can count on and no family nearby.)
my question is, how do i handle not being able to talk to my so-called partner about anything having to do with the past or, indeed, the present, if it's emotional in nature and not about cancer? i mean, she hasn't done one thing to help me get over what she did. and now i'm having to live with that day in and day out.
i feel incredibly selfish for thinking about myself at a time like this but i'm having serious issues stuffing my own feelings and worries in a closet.
one thing i've been trying to do is to detach myself from her a little bit, while still giving her everything she needs. i've been getting up earlier and not hanging out in bed w/ her. i'm meditating and trying to learn mindfulness. i've been reading about non-attachment. and about how to have a FWB relationship, which is how I"m beginning to think i need to look at this situation, even if she doesn't (or that might be her reality already without me knowing it.).
my reality is that she will not be able to be there for me in the way that i need with regards to just about anything. it's been that way since the beginning but i've only realized it recently. had i really gotten it earlier, i would have stayed away but it's too late for that now.
gak. what a mess. and believe me, i'm no saint. but i'm just trying to hold on as best i can.
in brief: unfaithful live-in girlfriend now has breast cancer. now what do i do?
so, i went out w/ this girl for eight months hot and heavy, with us moving in together toward the end. many fights along the way, mainly w/ me trying to break up w her due to a suspected connection w an ex that she denied existed. turns out she'd mislead me about their relationship from date 1 and had, in fact, spent two months of our 8 cheating on me w/ him.
i left her but after a seven month absence she got back in touch w/ me and, bingo bango, 3 months later we're living together again, with her claiming to be a changed woman. plan had been to work through her infidelity with couples therapy, which she has refused to talk about since i discovered it and see if we couldn't get my trust in her to rise above the zero zilch nada none level.
well, then she was diagnosed with breast cancer. a true horror. and i felt terrible for her and swore that i'd see her through it and past recovery and that we'd have a great life together once she got better. as to couple's therapy, she said she couldn't deal with anything but her health and that therapy was off the table, now and in the future, and that there'd be no talk of her cheating and that guy, etc. no relationship talk, okay, because i'm about to have a body part removed. if anything needs to be dealt with, you have to deal w/ it on your own.
she swore that she was over that guy and never wanted to see him again, which she's said before, so how'm i to know? you'd think, given the uncertainties surrounding her health, she'd be true to her word, but i've learned that this girl is capable of just about anything. she's not a bad person but she is very messed up. and very dishonest. and no, in her online dealings, she is not transparent but again that topic is off limits.
do i love her? i don't know. i do know that i'm attached to her in a very unhealthy way. my therapist thinks i need to leave her right now today, but i've sworn to her that i'd take care of her, so that's what i've got to do. i did pack up and try to leave once but my guilt and listening to her horror at having to possibly face surgery alone made it impossible. (she doesn't have any friends she can count on and no family nearby.)
my question is, how do i handle not being able to talk to my so-called partner about anything having to do with the past or, indeed, the present, if it's emotional in nature and not about cancer? i mean, she hasn't done one thing to help me get over what she did. and now i'm having to live with that day in and day out.
i feel incredibly selfish for thinking about myself at a time like this but i'm having serious issues stuffing my own feelings and worries in a closet.
one thing i've been trying to do is to detach myself from her a little bit, while still giving her everything she needs. i've been getting up earlier and not hanging out in bed w/ her. i'm meditating and trying to learn mindfulness. i've been reading about non-attachment. and about how to have a FWB relationship, which is how I"m beginning to think i need to look at this situation, even if she doesn't (or that might be her reality already without me knowing it.).
my reality is that she will not be able to be there for me in the way that i need with regards to just about anything. it's been that way since the beginning but i've only realized it recently. had i really gotten it earlier, i would have stayed away but it's too late for that now.
gak. what a mess. and believe me, i'm no saint. but i'm just trying to hold on as best i can.
advice, anyone?
You should listen to your therapist, but I understand this struggle with guilt. What I would do is be there for her throughout the process of recovery and such, but be detached. Like you said before, she may betray you again (she broke her word before). But that's just me. The smart thing to do is run don't walk, and give yourself time and room to heal. You don't owe her anything, and if she was in your situation, she wouldn't do the same for you. She would leave you and say "Adios, sucks to be you." (Again, I would do the not so smart thing because my guilt overrides my brains, so that's a tragic flaw of mine admittedly)
in brief: unfaithful live-in girlfriend now has breast cancer. now what do i do?
so, i went out w/ this girl for eight months hot and heavy, with us moving in together toward the end. many fights along the way, mainly w/ me trying to break up w her due to a suspected connection w an ex that she denied existed. turns out she'd mislead me about their relationship from date 1 and had, in fact, spent two months of our 8 cheating on me w/ him.
i left her but after a seven month absence she got back in touch w/ me and, bingo bango, 3 months later we're living together again, with her claiming to be a changed woman. plan had been to work through her infidelity with couples therapy, which she has refused to talk about since i discovered it and see if we couldn't get my trust in her to rise above the zero zilch nada none level.
well, then she was diagnosed with breast cancer. a true horror. and i felt terrible for her and swore that i'd see her through it and past recovery and that we'd have a great life together once she got better. as to couple's therapy, she said she couldn't deal with anything but her health and that therapy was off the table, now and in the future, and that there'd be no talk of her cheating and that guy, etc. no relationship talk, okay, because i'm about to have a body part removed. if anything needs to be dealt with, you have to deal w/ it on your own.
she swore that she was over that guy and never wanted to see him again, which she's said before, so how'm i to know? you'd think, given the uncertainties surrounding her health, she'd be true to her word, but i've learned that this girl is capable of just about anything. she's not a bad person but she is very messed up. and very dishonest. and no, in her online dealings, she is not transparent but again that topic is off limits.
do i love her? i don't know. i do know that i'm attached to her in a very unhealthy way. my therapist thinks i need to leave her right now today, but i've sworn to her that i'd take care of her, so that's what i've got to do. i did pack up and try to leave once but my guilt and listening to her horror at having to possibly face surgery alone made it impossible. (she doesn't have any friends she can count on and no family nearby.)
my question is, how do i handle not being able to talk to my so-called partner about anything having to do with the past or, indeed, the present, if it's emotional in nature and not about cancer? i mean, she hasn't done one thing to help me get over what she did. and now i'm having to live with that day in and day out.
i feel incredibly selfish for thinking about myself at a time like this but i'm having serious issues stuffing my own feelings and worries in a closet.
one thing i've been trying to do is to detach myself from her a little bit, while still giving her everything she needs. i've been getting up earlier and not hanging out in bed w/ her. i'm meditating and trying to learn mindfulness. i've been reading about non-attachment. and about how to have a FWB relationship, which is how I"m beginning to think i need to look at this situation, even if she doesn't (or that might be her reality already without me knowing it.).
my reality is that she will not be able to be there for me in the way that i need with regards to just about anything. it's been that way since the beginning but i've only realized it recently. had i really gotten it earlier, i would have stayed away but it's too late for that now.
gak. what a mess. and believe me, i'm no saint. but i'm just trying to hold on as best i can.
advice, anyone?
IMO, you're letting her call all the shots, when in reality, she needs you definitely more than you need her.
I'd tell her that you have a condition for staying and getting her through her treatments, and that is that she WILL accompany you to couples therapy, and she WILL be more forthcoming, and if she feels like she can't or won't, you're out.
in brief: unfaithful live-in girlfriend now has breast cancer. now what do i do?
so, i went out w/ this girl for eight months hot and heavy, with us moving in together toward the end. many fights along the way, mainly w/ me trying to break up w her due to a suspected connection w an ex that she denied existed. turns out she'd mislead me about their relationship from date 1 and had, in fact, spent two months of our 8 cheating on me w/ him.
i left her but after a seven month absence she got back in touch w/ me and, bingo bango, 3 months later we're living together again, with her claiming to be a changed woman. plan had been to work through her infidelity with couples therapy, which she has refused to talk about since i discovered it and see if we couldn't get my trust in her to rise above the zero zilch nada none level.
well, then she was diagnosed with breast cancer. a true horror. and i felt terrible for her and swore that i'd see her through it and past recovery and that we'd have a great life together once she got better. as to couple's therapy, she said she couldn't deal with anything but her health and that therapy was off the table, now and in the future, and that there'd be no talk of her cheating and that guy, etc. no relationship talk, okay, because i'm about to have a body part removed. if anything needs to be dealt with, you have to deal w/ it on your own.
she swore that she was over that guy and never wanted to see him again, which she's said before, so how'm i to know? you'd think, given the uncertainties surrounding her health, she'd be true to her word, but i've learned that this girl is capable of just about anything. she's not a bad person but she is very messed up. and very dishonest. and no, in her online dealings, she is not transparent but again that topic is off limits.
do i love her? i don't know. i do know that i'm attached to her in a very unhealthy way. my therapist thinks i need to leave her right now today, but i've sworn to her that i'd take care of her, so that's what i've got to do. i did pack up and try to leave once but my guilt and listening to her horror at having to possibly face surgery alone made it impossible. (she doesn't have any friends she can count on and no family nearby.)
my question is, how do i handle not being able to talk to my so-called partner about anything having to do with the past or, indeed, the present, if it's emotional in nature and not about cancer? i mean, she hasn't done one thing to help me get over what she did. and now i'm having to live with that day in and day out.
i feel incredibly selfish for thinking about myself at a time like this but i'm having serious issues stuffing my own feelings and worries in a closet.
one thing i've been trying to do is to detach myself from her a little bit, while still giving her everything she needs. i've been getting up earlier and not hanging out in bed w/ her. i'm meditating and trying to learn mindfulness. i've been reading about non-attachment. and about how to have a FWB relationship, which is how I"m beginning to think i need to look at this situation, even if she doesn't (or that might be her reality already without me knowing it.).
my reality is that she will not be able to be there for me in the way that i need with regards to just about anything. it's been that way since the beginning but i've only realized it recently. had i really gotten it earlier, i would have stayed away but it's too late for that now.
gak. what a mess. and believe me, i'm no saint. but i'm just trying to hold on as best i can.
advice, anyone?
Well, your first mistake was moving in at all. Your next mistake was coming back for seconds.
By your timeline, she refused couples therapy before her diagnosis. The "plan" was your plan. Evidently not hers.
You're on a rudderless ship and bingo bango, here you are stuck on the shoals.
You're paying (I assume) for a therapist. Listen to them.
Or, buckle down to get through this with no expectations. If you stay, you must outline some conditions and stick to them – but know that, most likely, in another few months, you'll still be rudderless with no real girlfriend and no real appreciation for your sacrifice.
Staying because of guilt – you're refusing a life jacket.
Well, your first mistake was moving in at all. Your next mistake was coming back for seconds.
By your timeline, she refused couples therapy before her diagnosis. The "plan" was your plan. Evidently not hers.
You're on a rudderless ship and bingo bango, here you are stuck on the shoals.
You're paying (I assume) for a therapist. Listen to them.
Or, buckle down to get through this with no expectations. If you stay, you must outline some conditions and stick to them – but know that, most likely, in another few months, you'll still be rudderless with no real girlfriend and no real appreciation for your sacrifice.
Staying because of guilt – you're refusing a life jacket.
okay, all, thanks. yes, i know i should leave and i know that if i did, she'd manage her coming ordeal okay, but i gave her my word and i'm going to stick by it as best i can. yup, that makes me a sucker, but my current thinking is that i'll only stay until she's back on her feet, less than six months, i'd guess, maybe three.
three or six, it's still going to be tough. the only way to do it, i think, is, as catzpaw says, to dial expectations down to zero. which i have started to do, by admitting to myself that she's not the right one for me and that i will have to leave eventually. before, i thought she was *it*, the forever one, and i'd have constant nightmares about her ex and what they did together. since saying to myself, she ain't it at all, i haven't had a single nightmare. and i'd been having them nightly for months. the relief has been unexpected and palpable and suggests to me i am on the right path, at least as far as expectations go.
so: no expectations for a long term future, no expectations for fidelity, no expectations for our bad sex life, no expectations at all, if i can manage it, which i know i won't be able to but i'm gonna try. i'd welcome any suggestions you might have in this regard. thanks again!
okay, all, thanks. yes, i know i should leave and i know that if i did, she'd manage her coming ordeal okay, but i gave her my word and i'm going to stick by it as best i can. yup, that makes me a sucker, but my current thinking is that i'll only stay until she's back on her feet, less than six months, i'd guess, maybe three.
three or six, it's still going to be tough. the only way to do it, i think, is, as catzpaw says, to dial expectations down to zero. which i have started to do, by admitting to myself that she's not the right one for me and that i will have to leave eventually. before, i thought she was *it*, the forever one, and i'd have constant nightmares about her ex and what they did together. since saying to myself, she ain't it at all, i haven't had a single nightmare. and i'd been having them nightly for months. the relief has been unexpected and palpable and suggests to me i am on the right path, at least as far as expectations go.
so: no expectations for a long term future, no expectations for fidelity, no expectations for our bad sex life, no expectations at all, if i can manage it, which i know i won't be able to but i'm gonna try. i'd welcome any suggestions you might have in this regard. thanks again!
I'd do the same thing. I gave my word, so I better keep it.
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