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Don't get married if you know you will cheat. At the very least tell your SO that you will cheat on them and let them decide early on if they want to marry a lowlife. Think about how severely you will harm your children for the rest of their life when you consider doing something so selfish and stupid. For the rest of your life you will be cleaning up the mess you made of your children's lives. I am currently witnessing the effects of such stupidity with a friend and a family member.
Don't get married if you know you will cheat. At the very least tell your SO that you will cheat on them and let them decide early on if they want to marry a lowlife. Think about how severely you will harm your children for the rest of their life when you consider doing something so selfish and stupid. For the rest of your life you will be cleaning up the mess you made of your children's lives. I am currently witnessing the effects of such stupidity with a friend and a family member.
Yeah or just have an open relationship. Plenty of people are down for that.
Is her bipolar being treated and was it a recent diagnosis?
Is this the first time this has happened in your 19 years of marriage?
If so it sounds like she is truly having some breakdown, which could be resolved. And likely wouldnt be an issue again, with treatment.
19 years of marriage and a family is a lot to throw away just because of a treatable illness.
No, the bipolar isn't recent. She was diagnosed in 2004 and had a couple rough years after that. Then she controlled it well until 2015. Then she had a major episode and spent nearly a month total hospitalized. She never got the stability back that she previously had. Even with multiple medications, therapist visits etc.
It was there she met the guy she became obsessed with. I think she harbored fantasies about him for 2 years, before she acted on it. The issue that really sealed the deal for me was that she consciously pursued him from September 2017, after I discovered the emotional affair, until the week of Valentine's Day.
I took off Valentine's day to try to celebrate the progress we made. Then two days later, we had our last marriage counseling session. She told both me and the therapist that things were resolved. But a few days later, I found out that very week she had been sending the guy pictures to try to get him to meet up.
And even after that, she continued to pursue him into this summer. When he blocked her, she would have friends try to get around that to try to set up the meetings.
Then other guys fell into the mix as well over the summer.
So yes, there were mental issues at play. But it just became too intolerable. For my sanity, I needed to move on.
No, the bipolar isn't recent. She was diagnosed in 2004 and had a couple rough years after that. Then she controlled it well until 2015. Then she had a major episode and spent nearly a month total hospitalized. She never got the stability back that she previously had. Even with multiple medications, therapist visits etc.
It was there she met the guy she became obsessed with. I think she harbored fantasies about him for 2 years, before she acted on it. The issue that really sealed the deal for me was that she consciously pursued him from September 2017, after I discovered the emotional affair, until the week of Valentine's Day.
I took off Valentine's day to try to celebrate the progress we made. Then two days later, we had our last marriage counseling session. She told both me and the therapist that things were resolved. But a few days later, I found out that very week she had been sending the guy pictures to try to get him to meet up.
And even after that, she continued to pursue him into this summer. When he blocked her, she would have friends try to get around that to try to set up the meetings.
Then other guys fell into the mix as well over the summer.
So yes, there were mental issues at play. But it just became too intolerable. For my sanity, I needed to move on.
It sounds like you tried to work it out and thought it through. She really did behave inappropriately. I am very sorry.
Assuming an ostensibly committed relationship, zero tolerance.
This isn't a hypothetical, "I wonder what I'd do," either, so the standard, "Well, you don't know what you'd really do till you're in the situation" admonition doesn't apply.
I would leave after any type of affair. My husband and I travel separately, have separate hobbies and friends etc. If there was no trust, we wouldn't be able to live the way we do, and I have no desire to become his mom and have to check up on things.
We both feel this way, and have been cheated on in the past.
To me the only time affairs are acceptable are in an open marriage, but then they aren't affairs that is a lifestyle.
I've never stepped out on my wife in 28 years, and I'm awfully sure she hasn't stepped out on me.
That being said, I don't subscribe to the conceit of people who loudly say, "Why I'D never cheat." Having seen a lot of acquaintances go down that path, including some pretty holier-than-thou types, I'm of the opinion that anyone is capable of cheating under the right set of circumstances.
Take a rough patch or boredom in a marriage, throw in the right person at the right time saying the right things with the right amount of alcohol and opportunity and, yes, it's quite possible. To say "It would never happen with me," is nice and all, but that's more of a conviction than a statement of fact. What's more, it's a bit dangerous, because it means you are so sure of your infallibility that you don't notice it sneaking up on you.
The other thing? No one walks down the aisle at their wedding thinking, "Okay. A few months of monogamy and I'll start playing the field again." Well, no one except for sociopaths. The very large percentage of people think it's forever. But the passion cools, things get stale both inside the bedroom and out, and things begin to go off the rails. At that point, I'd say both partners have contributed to the affair one of them has been having.
I've seen the aftermath of affairs, and they aren't pretty. All relationships are built on trust. Shatter that trust, and it's really hard to repair. Yet, I've known plenty of relationships where an affair or indiscretion was discovered, the hard work was done to fix matters, and the marriage ended up being stronger than ever.
One of my best friends had a fling with a co-worker 25 years ago. His wife discovered the affair and was rightfully outraged. Not condoning Dave's affair for a moment, but I can see why it happened. His wife was a kind of a cold and severe woman, someone who wasn't known for being especially nice. So when someone at his office found him attractive and funny, I can see why he took the bait.
They separated for a couple of months, then went to counseling. It wasn't easy, for both of them really had things they needed to address. Things got better over time. Trust was restored. They had twin boys, and now their marriage is extraordinarily happy. Just food for thought for those who have a divorce attorney on their speed dial, just in case.
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