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The right to fidelity came with my wedding vows. Full stop.
Saying you have to earn fidelity is a slippery slope. "You never take out the garbage like you are supposed, so I got jiggy with another man." It's always SO awesome when one person thinks everything in the marriage is great, then they only find out the other was unhappy when they discover the infidelity.
Of course both parties have an obligation to work on the marriage, and strive to be a good spouse. If one party feels the other isn't, I don't think the punishment should be sleeping with other people, and sleeping with other people certainly is not a solution.
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That would be ideal for her, wouldn't it? Why didn't she let him go if she couldn't fulfill her promise? Because she was unaware of how unhappy he was? Because she thought the marriage could be fixed? Because she was under the impression that she WAS fulfilling her promise? Because she thought he understood that taking care of a handful of kids and a house and whatever else didn't give her the opportunity to be a dewey eyed sex kitten all the time? People change and grow within a marriage, if he was unhappy with the direction it was taking he should have worked WITH her to fix it
It appears he cheated because he was unfulfilled in his marriage, not because divorce is complicated/difficult.
Millions of people beg to differ.
Y'all keep arguing this like anyone has even suggested he had no other options lol.
You keep arguing that it's the partners fault if someone cheats on their spouse, as if they have no responsibility for their own actions.
Get a divorce, or negotiate consensual non-monogamy.
Cheating is not ok. No one is "driven" to cheat, except by their own internal drive to be scummy.
Lots of married folks out there cheating. Millions of people aren't "scummy". That's not an objective explanation for why people cheat.
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Quite relevant if you're discussing how relationships work. Or should work. Or how emotions work.
She's not actually interested in my experiences. Regardless, I'm no longer interested in monogamy, but I accepted, a while ago, that I am not entitled to fidelity. I entered into commitments with the knowledge that I have to earn it over the entire course of my relationships. The same applied to them. But this isn't "progressive". It's reality. It just doesn't fluff the feels.
Lots of married folks out there cheating. Millions of people aren't "scummy". That's not an objective explanation for why people cheat.
She's not actually interested in my experiences. Regardless, I'm no longer interested in monogamy, but I accepted, a while ago, that I am not entitled to fidelity. I entered into commitments with the knowledge that I have to earn it over the entire course of my relationships. The same applied to them. But this isn't "progressive". It's reality. It just doesn't fluff the feels.
Exactly, that's YOUR experience with a very small portion of society.
Not everyone else's.
Sorry your relationships have taught you that type of dysfunction is okay. If you want to practice non monogamy, inform your future partners. But we don't have to agree with you.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate
Lots of married folks out there cheating. Millions of people aren't "scummy". That's not an objective explanation for why people cheat.
Millions of people are scummy, and yes, yes it is.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate
She's not actually interested in my experiences. Regardless, I'm no longer interested in monogamy, but I accepted, a while ago, that I am not entitled to fidelity. I entered into commitments with the knowledge that I have to earn it over the entire course of my relationships. The same applied to them. But this isn't "progressive". It's reality. It just doesn't fluff the feels.
You appear to not understand the definition of the word fidelity. There can be fidelity in non-monogamous relationships as well.
She's not actually interested in my experiences. Regardless, I'm no longer interested in monogamy, but I accepted, a while ago, that I am not entitled to fidelity. I entered into commitments with the knowledge that I have to earn it over the entire course of my relationships. The same applied to them. But this isn't "progressive". It's reality. It just doesn't fluff the feels.
That's fine. For you.
Just be open and honest with your partners. As long as everything is out in the open, no problem.
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Leaving isn't always the black or white issue it's portrayed to be by people who want to stone people who cheat.
No, it isn't, but lying is. I think for most people that's the issue. You stay in the marriage and you lie, your partner is unaware and not given a choice. Tell them you aren't happy, that you want to be with other people, and let them decide whether to stay or go or whatever the two of you want to work out. Otherwise it's just one person making choices that affect both people in the marriage. Is there any reason that someone shouldn't be honest with their partner?
Yes, we are. It's the basis of the two camps you presented. That's really the only point of contention in this thread:
No, it's not. There is literally nothing about what you quoted below that argues choice or the lack thereof. Nothing. The issue is shared responsibility, whether or not one can contribute to their partner's infidelity. Whether or not they are actually due fidelity unconditionally. Please pay attention.
Quote:
The discussions about this on social media are fascinating. There are two camps; entitlement to fidelity and fidelity earned. I'm with the latter.
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She owns her role in the demise of the marriage, but she is appalled that he cheated. I don't see how she can escape her role in the latter.
If you want to sleep with other people, get a divorce first. Placing blame serves no purpose, and if you are fooling around, you cannot be working on your marriage in good faith.
It's really simple.
Yes to that, at the least say it is over before embarking on the adventure. This is exactly why I dumped the friend I referred to in a previous post. You don't love him any more? Then say bye-bye up front.
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