Maintenance Sex Might Sound Boring—but It Could Save Your Relationship (long-term, marriage)
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Maintenance sex is common and important in loving relationships. No matter how busy or tired you get, you must make time to connect on a regular basis--even if it's just 5 minutes. Long periods of no sex can lead to temptation.
Not just 'temptation' but also frustration and anger.
When my Dw and I were both 25 she decided that we should be celibate. The following 35 years of marriage have been filled with frustration, arguments and no real 'connection'.
Not just 'temptation' but also frustration and anger.
When my Dw and I were both 25 she decided that we should be celibate. The following 35 years of marriage have been filled with frustration, arguments and no real 'connection'.
You know, I could never imagine people in their 20s not desiring sex in their marriage. I guess YOUTH doesn't drive the drive. I think this is why people stay in long term relationships indefinitely, with no marriage proposal for of the spouse immediately stop putting out after the vows are said.
You know, I could never imagine people in their 20s not desiring sex in their marriage. I guess YOUTH doesn't drive the drive. I think this is why people stay in long term relationships indefinitely, with no marriage proposal for of the spouse immediately stop putting out after the vows are said.
To be fair to her, she had a back injury which damaged some nerves. As a result the injury triggered her body to stop producing Estrogen. She began menopause at that time, genitals went into atrophy, etc. She became very sensitive to touch, any stretching of the genital lining causes abrasions, bleeding and pain.
To be fair to her, she had a back injury which damaged some nerves. As a result the injury triggered her body to stop producing Estrogen. She began menopause at that time, genitals went into atrophy, etc. She became very sensitive to touch, any stretching of the genital lining causes abrasions, bleeding and pain.
She developed a fear of sex, due to that pain.
You've mentioned this many times before but one thing you've never mentioned is whether or not she sought medical attention/HRT or whatever or just quit.
You've mentioned this many times before but one thing you've never mentioned is whether or not she sought medical attention/HRT or whatever or just quit.
Okay, at first we had no health insurance. Then I re-enlisted in the US Navy where we were 'covered' but the HM Corpsmen had no idea how to treat her. [Military-Medicine is primarily non MD personnel, it is HM Corpsmen/medics, nobody with college and med-school background].
She went to a few civilian MD doctors, but they insisted that they could not diagnose her with menopause because she needed to be over 50 for the system to accept that diagnosis.
Her mother and aunts all died from female cancers [cervix and breast]. When she was 12 she was orphaned. So she has an extreme fear of HRT. She refuses any HRT.
Eh. Not everyone wants to have their partner throw ‘em a bone (so to speak...) when said partner really isn’t into it.
I think it depends on just how "not into it" they are and why. There is a lot to this whole thing and I can think of a few pieces of writing my brain references immediately on the subject.
Obviously "Come As You Are" which is a book I've recommended many times all over this forum and elsewhere.
But also, a writing on Fetlife that made the front page for a while, about "Mexican Dinner Consent." The guy was saying that he was frustrated with one of the typical defining standards of consent being "enthusiastic" because he felt that in a long term relationship, sometimes life just makes you somewhat less than enthusiastic but it can be a good idea to just do it anyways (the point of the OP.) He said that he is not a tremendous fan of Mexican food, but his wife is. And sometimes she'll REALLY want to go do Mexican dinner. He's not wild about the idea but he goes along. Once he's there and eating his food though, he's like "Yeah ok, this isn't too bad" and usually has a satisfying experience, even if he was dragging his feet out the front door. So this "maintenance" sex, he calls it "Mexican Dinner Consent" where one or the other partner might not be really feeling super sexual before the fact but once they get into it, they're into it and they do enjoy themselves. And honestly in a longterm relationship, I think there will be periods of time where life just makes people TIRED. It is easy to feel like sex is just more effort than one has to give.
But I know personally, that if I give in to the impulse to say "not tonight, I'm just so tired" and I do that often enough for long enough, I simply lose all interest in sex. It is very hard to revive it then. And as soon as my partner becomes resentful and responds to not getting it enough, it stacks the baggage of conflict feelings on top, which makes it even less likely I will want to engage sexually with them.
What my partner and I do now, is that each weekend and other evenings when possible, we block off as much time as we can for quality time together. We know that we want to include sex in there and we generally do, but overall that is time we both avoid scheduling anything that will interfere with us just enjoying leisure time together. Now granted, my kids are teenagers and that makes a huge difference. Having little kids running around is probably one of the first and biggest challenges most couples deal with that puts a hitch in their together time.
Submariner, I think that your situation is a little too complicated to fit easily into these kinds of conversations. I mean, when I see posts like "my wife decided we would be celibate" I can feel your bitterness, and I'm like "Damn though, she has medical problems" and then you come back and tack that on... Thing is, where there's a will there's a way, if one cares deeply about one's partner and the fulfillment of their needs is important. I get that she is avoidant of normal sex for valid medical reasons. But did she continue to be affectionate? Did you press her to engage in sex past the point of comfort? Is she afraid she can't even snuggle with you lest you try to do something that will hurt her? Did her need to not have intercourse make her disengage with all physical affection with you? Because that's the part I can imagine being truly hurtful. And validating a lot of resentment on your part. And as I've said before, I really wish that more people were willing to consider more flexible arrangements than strict monogamy especially in situations like this. Because I truly believe that it would have been a very loving choice if she'd been willing to let you have a side relationship.
The sense I'm getting is that you feel (rightly or wrongly) that she simply stopped caring about your intimacy needs when she became unable to safely have intercourse. I also wonder if you've had conversations about that, and how they went. I feel like maybe both of you could have been more sensitive and accommodating to each other. I am sorry you've both had to struggle with all of this; it is a sad situation.
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