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I agree it was dubious or even it was a mistake. Maybe it triggered some reaction/response in his mind which resulted in this (today already 6-week long) silence and stone wall. Or, equally, it might have been something or someone else. And I have no idea...
I just wanted to respond to your comment about me flying over to see him - it was a weird reaction to a weird action, since how could you expect someone after several years spent in a relationship and about to buy tickets to go and meet his parents (we were planning to do it in February, and parents were waiting!) to just block your SO??? Without any fight.. any issue... just after hearing from your sister that she happened to talk to your SO??? Who on earth could behave like this??
Let's get a better grip on the reality of the situation, please.
It wasn't "several years." You said it was two years, which when you meet once a month adds up to approximately 30 dates plus, of course, online communication.
You need to admit to yourself that you just did not know who he REALLY is, and that is understandable.
You keep asking how this could happen. It's not that big of a mystery. It's clear now that he has been hiding parts of his life from you. You made some progress in getting to know his life, but as you got closer and closer to meeting his parents, the pressure he must have been feeling about his "worlds colliding" got to be too much.
He obviously thought that your sharing details about him with his sister was crossing some line, and when it came down to your meeting his parents, he couldn't handled it and freaked out.
Please stop obsessing over this. He has serious problems to behave this way, and he doesn't want you to know about them.
He blocked you, and you need to accept that and move on.
Wow. I don't want to insult you (and I am female, but your request that only males answer was absurd), THE GUY IS NOT INTO YOU. It doesn't matter why.
Why are you settling for crumbs (not even crumbs, really)?
What are you getting out of wanting a "relationship" (fiction) with this dude who not only has zero interest in you, has told you in no uncertain terms to buzz off?
Maybe it triggered some reaction/response in his mind which resulted in this (today already 6-week long) silence and stone wall.
dont think so, since the flight itself was a response to an existing stone wall.
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it was a weird reaction to a weird action, since how could you expect
i took that into account, and thats the part im most sympathetic about.
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Without any fight.. any issue... just after hearing from your sister that she happened to talk to your SO??? Who on earth could behave like this??
sadly, too many people to narrow it down:
1. people in lots of trouble
2. people who didnt really care
3. people who are being manipulated or controlled (such as by family or friends)
4. people who have moved on
5. people who have second thoughts
6. cowards
he could be any or all of those, and youre more likely to get good answers later rather than now, because his guard is up.
by the time you find out (if ever) you will almost certainly have moved on yourself. those telling you to consider (or simply begin) moving on now are giving good advice.
hes choosing to shut you out. you dont get to veto that, thats not how it works. its NOT fair to you, its certainly unfair. but unfair or unreasonable or whatever it is, its his demand-- its not a vote. you might get an explanation later, but if you try any harder to get one now, you only lower the odds that youll ever know.
you dont have to tell me that plans like yours take time to figure out when stuff like this happens. im divorced, we went through some of this stuff. accepting this isnt going to happen overnight, but you cant keep telling yourself that getting to the bottom of it is necessarily going to change anything.
its not a vote. relationships only exist as long as theres some form of consensus, or something much worse like slavery. theres no consensus anymore. you cant (also shouldnt try to) force him to explain. thats not a vote either.
lets pretend for a minute that youre going to wait to hear from him. for how long? if a month goes by and you havent heard from him, are you still going to wait? 6 months? a year?
i dont agree with the people downplaying your relationship entirely, nor do i figure your assessment is entirely realistic at this point. i figure its somewhere in the middle. wheres the truth, really?
also, you didnt answer this:
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are you sure you care about his situation, or are you just concerned that you dont know and cant fix it? because neither of those by themselves really mean you care about him.
go back and look at the 10 pages of this thread.
look at all the things you said about him that would concern us if we were close to him personally. theres a lot to be concerned about.
yet in every post, your primary concern seems to be entirely about resolving your confusion, getting closure or explanation, how it might hypothetically affect you in terms of your feelings towards guys in the future-- youre not talking about any concerns you have about him.
even when you talk about the things hes worried about, you phrase them as things HE is worried about. thats very telling. it shows a lack of emotional closeness that i can explain other ways, but the easiest explanation is that you dont care about him-- you care about the relationship, not him.
you really dont seem to be concerned about him at all, in any of your posts. and even when you were asked, you just skipped over that. even if you brushed off the question, it might say something to what your feelings about him really are, but its surprising that you said nothing at all.
i think you believe you care. but i dont necessarily think you care about him like you think you do.
the most likely reason for him ghosting you (not the only possibility by far) is that he either doesnt want the stress of a relationship right now (which means youre not that important to him) or that he has someone else (which means at the very least, that youre not as important as you thought.)
thats probably the most likely reason he left the way he did. there are others, of course.
but you seem more concerned about the relationship than the person, and if so thats a major red flag for you to look at, if you want to be in a good relationship. if hes going through all this stuff, and you still care about him-- why isnt that in your words? any of them? (it should probably show up whether you intend it or not.)
if you dont care about him-- and i think you might not-- then what do you REALLY want? not for me, not for the forum-- for you. you want to solve an important mystery? find the clues to solve that one. youre telling yourself you care about a person, and you might not. that means youre going to great lengths (and expense) to fool yourself.
whats so important that you would do that? not calling you a name, not really intended as an accusation. i dont know you and you dont have to answer to me.
however, you brought this matter to everybody here, and this is the reply. theres possibly a bigger mystery than just what happened with your partner-- namely, what are you really in this for? you deserve an answer to that, too.
Last edited by dynamicjson; 02-25-2019 at 06:21 PM..
dont think so, since the flight itself was a response to an existing stone wall.
i took that into account, and thats the part im most sympathetic about.
sadly, too many people to narrow it down:
1. people in lots of trouble
2. people who didnt really care
3. people who are being manipulated or controlled (such as by family or friends)
4. people who have moved on
5. people who have second thoughts
6. cowards
he could be any or all of those, and youre more likely to get good answers later rather than now, because his guard is up.
by the time you find out (if ever) you will almost certainly have moved on yourself. those telling you to consider (or simply begin) moving on now are giving good advice.
hes choosing to shut you out. you dont get to veto that, thats not how it works. its NOT fair to you, its certainly unfair. but unfair or unreasonable or whatever it is, its his demand-- its not a vote. you might get an explanation later, but if you try any harder to get one now, you only lower the odds that youll ever know.
you dont have to tell me that plans like yours take time to figure out when stuff like this happens. im divorced, we went through some of this stuff. accepting this isnt going to happen overnight, but you cant keep telling yourself that getting to the bottom of it is necessarily going to change anything.
its not a vote. relationships only exist as long as theres some form of consensus, or something much worse like slavery. theres no consensus anymore. you cant (also shouldnt try to) force him to explain. thats not a vote either.
lets pretend for a minute that youre going to wait to hear from him. for how long? if a month goes by and you havent heard from him, are you still going to wait? 6 months? a year?
i dont agree with the people downplaying your relationship entirely, nor do i figure your assessment is entirely realistic at this point. i figure its somewhere in the middle. wheres the truth, really?
also, you didnt answer this:
go back and look at the 10 pages of this thread.
look at all the things you said about him that would concern us if we were close to him personally. theres a lot to be concerned about.
yet in every post, your primary concern seems to be entirely about resolving your confusion, getting closure or explanation, how it might hypothetically affect you in terms of your feelings towards guys in the future-- youre not talking about any concerns you have about him.
even when you talk about the things hes worried about, you phrase them as things HE is worried about. thats very telling. it shows a lack of emotional closeness that i can explain other ways, but the easiest explanation is that you dont care about him-- you care about the relationship, not him.
you really dont seem to be concerned about him at all, in any of your posts. and even when you were asked, you just skipped over that. even if you brushed off the question, it might say something to what your feelings about him really are, but its surprising that you said nothing at all.
i think you believe you care. but i dont necessarily think you care about him like you think you do.
the most likely reason for him ghosting you (not the only possibility by far) is that he either doesnt want the stress of a relationship right now (which means youre not that important to him) or that he has someone else (which means at the very least, that youre not as important as you thought.)
thats probably the most likely reason he left the way he did. there are others, of course.
but you seem more concerned about the relationship than the person, and if so thats a major red flag for you to look at, if you want to be in a good relationship. if hes going through all this stuff, and you still care about him-- why isnt that in your words? any of them? (it should probably show up whether you intend it or not.)
if you dont care about him-- and i think you might not-- then what do you REALLY want? not for me, not for the forum-- for you. you want to solve an important mystery? find the clues to solve that one. youre telling yourself you care about a person, and you might not. that means youre going to great lengths (and expense) to fool yourself.
whats so important that you would do that? not calling you a name, not really intended as an accusation. i dont know you and you dont have to answer to me.
however, you brought this matter to everybody here, and this is the reply. theres possibly a bigger mystery than just what happened with your partner-- namely, what are you really in this for? you deserve an answer to that, too.
Very good post. Very insightful questions.
I too would like to know the answers to some of those questions.
I too would like to know the answers to some of those questions.
theyre not easy questions for a person to answer. if you think of a question as a thing on a university exam, you are going to be expected to find a certain number of answers per hour.
this is more like different ways of asking a single question on an exam that can take literally decades. its a hard question for some people. fortunately, asking it the right way can help a person answer it more quickly sometimes. also-- im not assuming im right. theres some evidence, i think, but time will say more about this than even proof would. also, thanks.
Let's get a better grip on the reality of the situation, please.
It wasn't "several years." You said it was two years, which when you meet once a month adds up to approximately 30 dates plus, of course, online communication.
You need to admit to yourself that you just did not know who he REALLY is, and that is understandable.
You keep asking how this could happen. It's not that big of a mystery. It's clear now that he has been hiding parts of his life from you. You made some progress in getting to know his life, but as you got closer and closer to meeting his parents, the pressure he must have been feeling about his "worlds colliding" got to be too much.
He obviously thought that your sharing details about him with his sister was crossing some line, and when it came down to your meeting his parents, he couldn't handled it and freaked out.
Please stop obsessing over this. He has serious problems to behave this way, and he doesn't want you to know about them.
He blocked you, and you need to accept that and move on.
Thisssssssss.
He's nuts but you flew there and then lied about talking to his sister too...it's been 6 weeks. It's done. Don't give up your life for someone far away, that you really don't know.
As this friend told me, "maybe he doesn't love you as he said, or he changed his feeling, but anyway why should he suddenly stop talking to you, he must be crazy"
Strange that you didn't mention this earlier.
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I didn't go asking all the friends I've met, who knows, maybe I could get same reaction as when I spoke to his sister about the weather...
He's nuts but you flew there and then lied about talking to his sister too...it's been 6 weeks. It's done. Don't give up your life for someone far away, that you really don't know.
Where did I lie? There were 2 talks to his sister when this all happened - one (first) about her family and weather about which he freaked out. And second - when I told her about the problem of his silence.
Please don't accuse me of lying when it;s nothing to lie about.
Anyway, I guess it's time to put a stop in the discussion, I asked what people think about this situation and I got their views.
yet in every post, your primary concern seems to be entirely about resolving your confusion, getting closure or explanation, how it might hypothetically affect you in terms of your feelings towards guys in the future-- youre not talking about any concerns you have about him.
even when you talk about the things hes worried about, you phrase them as things HE is worried about. thats very telling. it shows a lack of emotional closeness that i can explain other ways, but the easiest explanation is that you dont care about him-- you care about the relationship, not him.
you really dont seem to be concerned about him at all, in any of your posts. and even when you were asked, you just skipped over that. even if you brushed off the question, it might say something to what your feelings about him really are, but its surprising that you said nothing at all.
but you seem more concerned about the relationship than the person, and if so thats a major red flag for you to look at, if you want to be in a good relationship. if hes going through all this stuff, and you still care about him-- why isnt that in your words? any of them? (it should probably show up whether you intend it or not.)
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It's highly strange to me how you can judge about lack of emotional closeness on my side from my posts. How am I supposed to voice my feelings about him or my care or concern about him to make you see I'm concerned about HIM??? I wanted to be with this person. To share my future with him. How is it possible to Draw a line between "concern about relationship" and "concern about HIM"? I brought up the situation before the forum to get your opinion about the situation and what might have happened. I DID NOT ASK for opinion about MY FEELINGS, because I know my feelings and I don't have to question them. And I wouldn't have been going through all this if I didn't care ABOUT THIS PERSON. Even if I wrote in my posts "I'm worried about him, if he's all right, or if he's ok now", that's nonsense to ask the forum as there's NO ANSWER to that. I'm worried, I'm concerned, I wanted to be with this person because I love him. What other concern is needed??
It's highly strange to me how you can judge about lack of emotional closeness on my side from my posts.
i explained it though, in detail. and it isnt a sure thing. hes either going through a great deal, to the point of freaking out and asking to be left alone-- your response to that is to confront him in person. ok, i get why, but its part of the bigger picture.
the bigger picture is that his feelings are a mystery to you. i realise that could be because of the sudden change, except that you insist that this sort of thing doesnt happen-- and it does. its not like several planets have to perfectly align.
this happens, and when it does, there are more typical reasons and (sometimes) less typical reasons. i get that your confusion is genuine, i get that you want resolution, thats all understandable. its just that it seems to be the only thing you care about here. its the only thing that "comes through" in all youve said on several pages.
so you cant expect someone to notice that and not mention it. theres little need to be defensive when each time such things were said, it was with qualifiers and some benefit of the doubt.
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How am I supposed to voice my feelings about him or my care or concern about him to make you see I'm concerned about HIM???
well, nothing you said so far suggests that youre sincerely concerned about his well being, his feelings, or what hes going though-- except where it affects you personally.
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I wanted to be with this person.
yes, but the most important question is why you wanted to be with him. you havent even said that you love him, did you know that?
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he loves me
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HOW IS IT POSSIBLE to dump someone you said so many times you LOVE
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how you break up a relationship with someone you told you love
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As this friend told me, "maybe he doesn't love you as he said
in all these pages you havent even mentioned your love for him until you were confronted with the idea that you dont care. every single mention of love is about him loving you.
its possible thats what this is really about. now in this post, finally, you say:
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I'm worried, I'm concerned, I wanted to be with this person because I love him. What other concern is needed??
im not going to bother you with the details of why i think this line is worth a bit of scrutiny, but its all about context.
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How is it possible to Draw a line between "concern about relationship" and "concern about HIM"?
its very possible, even easy. one doesnt require the other. apart from thinking that nobody does this sort of thing he did (but they do) you seem to think nobody has major concern for a relationship that involves someone they dont care about-- but thats still more common.
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I brought up the situation before the forum to get your opinion about the situation and what might have happened.
thats exactly what youre getting. in fact if you got anything other than this, you would NOT be getting my opinion about the situation and what might have happened. in my opinion, this is your very best opportunity to get some clues about what happened. i appreciate the fact that youre rejecting the idea.
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I DID NOT ASK for opinion about MY FEELINGS,
not explicitly, no-- but if your primary concerns are the well being of your partner and understanding what happened, then your feelings are relevant-- youve talked about them more than youve talked about him
(and youve barely talked about his-- the theme youve gone through over and over is that you dont understand his feelings. why doesnt that tell you anything, even when other people make a connection?)
in a thread where you mostly talk about your feelings and confusion, you dont want opinions on your feelings?
at what point do we just throw our hands up and say "well its alright, shes going to ask what we think, but if its not what she wants then i guess we have to pretend to think something else instead."
your feelings are extremely relevant here. though so is the fact that they seem to be the main theme, possibly the only theme.
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because I know my feelings
actually, the reason this is all a mystery to you is arguably that:
1. you dont know your feelings
2. you dont know his either
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and I don't have to question them.
i already said you didnt have to. its odd for you to explain to me that you dont have to question your feelings when i already said:
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i dont know you and you dont have to answer to me.
i really dont like making points based on how defensive someone is, its overdone and inconclusive, but several people have said youre not giving us the entire story.
IF YOU give people a mystery to unravel, and it unravels in a way that you dont like, do you get to blame the team of detectives you put together?
im not saying youre responsible for what happened, though youre putting all of this on him. its very possible that theres something about your feelings that might help you figure out what happened. if you ignore that possibility, you might not ever solve this.
asking you to consider your own feelings more deeply is reasonable.
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And I wouldn't have been going through all this if I didn't care ABOUT THIS PERSON.
i wont argue with that, there are reasons you (or anybody) might. im certain you believe you care about him. other people have said he might not (or doesnt) care about you, and theres evidence for that too.
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Even if I wrote in my posts "I'm worried about him, if he's all right, or if he's ok now", that's nonsense to ask the forum as there's NO ANSWER to that.
if you can show me an entirely rational person, i can tell you how its relevant that theres no logical reason to mention that you care about him in any post on 10 pages, until someone suggests maybe you dont as much as you think.
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I'm worried, I'm concerned, I wanted to be with this person because I love him. What other concern is needed??
other than the concern that the reason you dont understand is because you dont really WANT to understand?
not sure. if i were the only critic here, id say just chalk me up to being a jerk and thats it. if other people made harsher comments, id go back and look at them. maybe the wording of some of them wasnt as fair as it could be. i havent checked, but ive pulled every punch (im actually trying to make it easier for you to accept the possibility, not more difficult, but youre fighting me-- which is alright, im not offended) and if i were going to be obtuse, id say that the reason youre more upset with what im saying is because your worried im right.
however, thats a bit too circular for my taste and im not saying any of this because i want you to be unhappy.
you gave us a mystery to solve, we are going in circles, youve got some good theories to go on.
mine was the one that spent the most time saying "of course i could be wrong." your response? YOURE WRONG and I DIDNT ASK about that!
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theyre not easy questions for a person to answer. if you think of a question as a thing on a university exam, you are going to be expected to find a certain number of answers per hour.
this is more like different ways of asking a single question on an exam that can take literally decades. its a hard question for some people.
i could be way off. but your reply isnt doing a lot to dismiss what i said.
shall i go then? good luck with your mystery. i think we would live in a better world if nobody was lonely, but once the damage is done there are all sorts of weird (sometimes horrible, sometimes wonderful) things people do in response.
i agree with the people that think youre better off with someone else. but as to whether you know your feelings? im not sure you do. i wasnt even the first in the thread to suggest otherwise.
why does more than one person here think maybe he didnt care about you, or you didnt care about him, or both? where are people getting that crazy idea?
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