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I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now he has met my imidiate family but I havent ever met any of his family. It does bother me sometimes but when I tell him this he talks about me meeting his mum and that he will set a date but i feel it's never honest and nothing ever comes of it or he will ask me when he knows I'm doing something or often just asks me to come along when I know he hasn't consulted his mum first (just turning up would be embarrassing right?) anyway we were shopping on the weekend (standing in a que to get into a shop) and we heard his name being called. It was some of his relatives. He takes himself out of the que to say hello (I stayed in the que and I didn't quite know what to do with myself as I haven't even met his mum yet!!) I was smiling at his relatives and him but he didn't even egknowledge me, he didn't mention I was with him, didn't introduce me or invite me into the conversation. We had been having fun shopping together and then it was like I didn't even exist. I went into the shop while he was still outside talking to his relatives and left the shop after a while and went around on my own to try and get my head around what had just happened (he was texting and calling me as he had finished with his relatives) when I then told him that I was upset he thought I meant because he had left the que and couldn't re-join it. (Why wouldn't he think that totally ignoring me infront of family would upset me?) when I explained my feelings he said that they were distant relatives there would have been no point in meeting them and he hadn't seen them in over 10years and his mum doesn't even speak to them and that is the answer I continue to get. This is my first relationship so have never had to deal with meeting significant others family or anything like that before and I'm not sure where I stand. Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Should I be more upset then I actually am? How do I make him understand that it was a horrible feeling and you wouldn't do that to a stranger let alone your girlfriend of 3 years.
Just a little more background I have only ever met one of his friends (we bumped into him while out) and he does tell me that his mum knows about me and asks after me etc but I haven't ever personally spoken to her or even when he is on the phone to her he will walk away or do it when I'm occupied.
Please help!!!!
We do not live together although we have spoken about it. He lives by himself and was for a while against the idea of me leaving any of my belongings at his apartment (which I thought was because if family visited they would see them) but now I have left a lot of my things there. I haven't met any of his co workers at all (the man I met was once a co worker but doesn't work with him anymore).
We both work throughout the week and live in different cities so we see eachother every weekend and once throughout the week depending on how busy we are. If we have any holiday time during the year we spend that together also. He is 25 and I'm 23 so we just do normal couplelly things. Go out to eat, shopping, cinema, lots of traveling (we have been on holiday together multiple times longest has been 12days). The longest I have spent staying with him is 2weeks.
Hmmm... this secrecy is, well - suspicious.
Bringing GF home to introduce to parents, in most circumstances, is a signal that a guy thinks she’s special and the relationship is fairly serious.
Perhaps he doesn't consider you his GF? Or he is with you, but you are not included in his long term plans?
Or he fears that his parents would be disappointed?
Hiding you from his friends is even worse. Does he have any friends? Go out with them?
All of those points have run through my head at some point also, perhaps I'm blind sided by our relationship but being with somebody 3years and not considering her your gf is very worrying and something I can't quite comprehend, the long term plans I can never be sure about but he has mentioned that he would like to propose within the next year? And the last point you made really hits home for me. I didn't mention this intailly as everybody I have spoken to before had said that it is the reason why and I didn't want race or culture to be the only thing that was mentioned as we have worked hard in our relationship to get past this. I am white British and he is a British born Pakistani, for the first couple of months of our relationship I did consider that this may be sort of a wedge between us but getting to know him and what he stands for has taught me otherwise. His mum split from his dad when he was young and re-married a white British male, this is whom my bf calls dad as he never really knew his biological father. So Perhaps instead of it being a race issue that everybody seems to latch onto it might just be that I'm not good enough and he may be embarrassed of me in a way? He is very much so a mummy's boy so perhaps he is scared of me not being up to her standards?
We both work throughout the week and live in different cities so we see eachother every weekend and once throughout the week depending on how busy we are. If we have any holiday time during the year we spend that together also. He is 25 and I'm 23 so we just do normal couplelly things. Go out to eat, shopping, cinema, lots of traveling (we have been on holiday together multiple times longest has been 12days). The longest I have spent staying with him is 2weeks.
This guy is either ashamed of you or cheating with you.
Is there any possibility he might not be keeping YOU a secret, but keeping some aspect of his family a secret? Like maybe there is something about them, that he's ashamed of, and feels he would rather you did not see?
I speak as someone who isn't very close to her family, and frankly I don't respect my parents much either one. I was really nervous about my boyfriend meeting my Mom. People say that women become their mothers, and I think I'd rather be shot. I mean, I do love my Mom but I would never ever want to be like her. She's extremely overweight and has done horrible dyes to her hair that makes it always look dead and straw-like, she's not aged well, and beyond that she has a lot of weird ideas and makes highly questionable life choices. My Dad...when I found out he still thinks it is somehow OK to drink and drive, yeah that did it for me. I don't love the idea of identifying with them as their offspring to be honest. The only relative I was proud to claim and totally adored, died some 7 years ago.
My Mom visited and the world did not end, but I tell ya, I still fear that my boyfriend silently judges me for being her daughter.
There's more than one way to interpret things and none of us are mind readers.
Is there any possibility he might not be keeping YOU a secret, but keeping some aspect of his family a secret? Like maybe there is something about them, that he's ashamed of, and feels he would rather you did not see?
I speak as someone who isn't very close to her family, and frankly I don't respect my parents much either one. I was really nervous about my boyfriend meeting my Mom. People say that women become their mothers, and I think I'd rather be shot. I mean, I do love my Mom but I would never ever want to be like her. She's extremely overweight and has done horrible dyes to her hair that makes it always look dead and straw-like, she's not aged well, and beyond that she has a lot of weird ideas and makes highly questionable life choices. My Dad...when I found out he still thinks it is somehow OK to drink and drive, yeah that did it for me. I don't love the idea of identifying with them as their offspring to be honest. The only relative I was proud to claim and totally adored, died some 7 years ago.
My Mom visited and the world did not end, but I tell ya, I still fear that my boyfriend silently judges me for being her daughter.
There's more than one way to interpret things and none of us are mind readers.
That's not a weird question at all and makes sense in many ways. When I first met him he was quite secretive about his family life and work life and still now doesn't mention his family much at all. He rarely see's any of his family apart from his mum he sees her most weeks. (Being together 3 years I know a lot more about his family and work life) They don't seem like a tight knit family and there isnt many occasions in which they all get together. I come from a large family and am currently still living at home with my parents and siblings so it's very hard to keep something a secret and I'm a pretty open book anyway. Being that he lives alone and is very independent adds to it I'm sure as he has nobody to answer to. It's just I always knew that a situation like the one I explained above would arise and I played it out so differently in my head compared to what actually happened. And also I would have handled the situation a lot better than he did but that may just come down to him having a bit of an awkward personality as he does often get awkward in situations like that.
We are all really just assuming things but it's like trying to get blood out of a stone when I want to talk to him about something serious and it just ends up going around in circles so I just wanted some more opinions and advice.
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