Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I don't know that I've ever posted a personal relationship problem here. I've talked about personal issues, but they've been mine. This one is "ours", and I'm not sure I'll be able to convey it clearly without feeling like I'm violating her privacy. But here goes.
So as the title says, I need help sorting out my feelings and thoughts about our sex life. For the faint of heart, we're both in our 60s and we have sex. Deal with that
We have sex, but not as often or in as mutually enthusiastic a manner as I'd like. I provide most of the energy and enthusiasm, and that wasn't always the case. Things started to shift about 7-8 years ago, but that was subtle and we both adjusted. Like I said, we're older and fairly realistic. Another shift started about 2-3 years ago, and we made changes she needed which, TMI or not, make sex less intense. She misses the intensity, and I'm sure she feels a loss also.
I feel kind of useless. I work fine and all, but we don't, and that feels like it's on me to fix. I'm the one with the motivation, anyway. So I feel useless and sad but also irritated, like I'm doing more than my part already and.....I know, it's not about keeping score. So then what, equanimity? **** equanimity.
It may be that I want to be, or to feel, wanted. It is that. How does a man talk about that without sounding whiney, and ultimately, coming off as less attractive? And how do I separate my personal insecurities from this real and separate issue that's poking them? Poking That we've made adjustments she needs and that's left us both less happy makes this especially tough to broach. An egg shell conversation I really don't want to have.
And it may be that we conclude that this is where we are and we have to accept that. Maybe I need to feel wanted in some other way, and maybe she can or can't help with that. Seems to be the unacknowledged elephant in the room. I hate elephants.
But I can do the conversation. How do I get my head straight before I open my mouth, though? I'm a bunch or raw emotion.
Okay, I'm struggling a bit here. I'm in my 50s so I think I get what your saying. I probably don't have to explain here that your wife is probably struggling terribly with her lost of estrogen. Generally gets to its lowest point in your 50s and goes downhill from there. Things can get very painful. The estrogen also physically drives a woman's sex drive, so while in her head she may long for how she used to feel, the body often just does not respond. This varies, of course, person to person.
I would first ask if your wife has done all she could in talking to her physician (should be a gynecologist). There are several topical (much more safe) creams that can be used to give back some "life" to the area, if you catch my drift. But, even that might not work. But if she isn't having some sort of exam to see what's going on, that would be the first step. There are other conditions that can worsen in the genital area with lack of estrogen that she should be checked for.
If all that checks out okay, I would say that you are going through something that has plagued older couples for all of time! Honestly, women get hit very hard after menopause. I know men get ED, but there are things that help that and more people discuss it openly. Just not much to be done for women in this stage of life.
Are you feeling like she'll resent you for wanting more attention and enthusiasm? That she'll think it's petty, or you're insecure? Are you worried she'll comply and it'll be just what you wanted, but then always feel it's not deserved, but an act?
Before you have the talk, try doing some things that make you feel more attractive, and confident. Try earning more attention from her by working on you. Are you doing what you can to be the 'best you'?
When I force myself to work out on a regular basis, I feel stronger, more confident, and that probably is more attractive than wondering if I'm getting the attention I deserve.
It's good that you're working through it together. Are you concerned about feeling like the bad guy?
If you're both feeling a loss, then I'm not getting what is difficult about this conversation.
We haven't talked about the "loss", so when I say she feels it I'm reading her. She's proud, and I think this is a challenge for her to accept. So me bringing it up is awkward.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL
Are you feeling like she'll resent you for wanting more attention and enthusiasm? That she'll think it's petty, or you're insecure? Are you worried she'll comply and it'll be just what you wanted, but then always feel it's not deserved, but an act?
Before you have the talk, try doing some things that make you feel more attractive, and confident. Try earning more attention from her by working on you. Are you doing what you can to be the 'best you'?
When I force myself to work out on a regular basis, I feel stronger, more confident, and that probably is more attractive than wondering if I'm getting the attention I deserve.
A lot of what you say in the first and third paragraph, except the deserving part. I don't deserve or not deserve sex. I think I'm a good partner for her, and I think I do a lot to maintain her love for me, but this is about desire. I guess she either wants to **** me or she doesn't, even if that desire starts out between her ears and ends up between her legs, or someone does.
But it's the word "deserve" I'm quibbling with. Whether it's my fault or not, her desire has ebbed, and we need to work on that if it's to improve. So I'm not denying I play a part. Just need to get my lines down.
I think I meant not deserve sex, but do you feel as though you deserve to be desired by her? Do you feel desirable? Ask her what it is or was she found most desirable about you, because you really can't change her, can you? That's why I would suggest first doing what you can to be the most confident before the talk.
ETA: I.E. —I felt my attraction going away before, I thought back to when I was madly in love with my then husband. It was this masculine, worker-guy attitude, confident he could fix things, make things whatever. I tried to picture that more often, because that’s not what changed about him.
I think I meant not deserve sex, but do you feel as though you deserve to be desired by her? Do you feel desirable? Ask her what it is or was she found most desirable about you, because you really can't change her, can you? That's why I would suggest first doing what you can to be the most confident before the talk.
ETA: I.E. —I felt my attraction going away before, I thought back to when I was madly in love with my then husband. It was this masculine, worker-guy attitude, confident he could fix things, make things whatever. I tried to picture that more often, because that’s not what changed about him.
The part about feeling like I'm good enough strikes a chord, and I have to own some of that independent of anything that's going on between us. But then I was quick to point out that I deserve her respect as her partner, but the desire part has me wondering. So yeah.
As to your edit, I can't really say what specifically sparks her desire for me. It was certainly there, and to some lesser extent still is, but I can't define it. I'm not sure she's ever told me
I don't think it is sex. You feel not wanted. It looks like over so many years together you both just grow apart.
It was a slow process, and you didn't notice it for a long time, but now it hit you. Growing apart in marriage doesn't happen overnight. It happens slowly over a period of time, which could range from a few months to many years.
If you or your wife doesn't feel as close as you once were, that might be the sign of trouble in your relationship.
Take a moment to evaluate it.
Has communication between you severed? If you know why she is acting distant and what's bothering her, it's something you can repair with time. When one or both people stop working together towards the good of the relationship, it's a sign that the person no longer cares like they used to.
Do you both just don't care what the partner is up to anymore? Does anyone ask what the partner is doing on offtime? Do you spend your time at home in separate rooms and rarely go out or do things together any longer? Those are all signs you're growing apart.
Are you needed?
When you're close, each person seeks to help the other in any way that they can. There aren't typically conversations about "I handle these duties" or "You need to get off your butt."
Perhaps she did things by herself for too long, so she stopped needing you because you were not available when she needed you.
This all affects sex life. The desire to be close to the partner.
More often than not, when two people grow distant it's just a phase. There was love there at one point and provided both people remain willing to work for it, you can find the spark again. But sometimes people do grow apart.
Perhaps you should just leave the troublesome environment and take a trip together. Whatever she would like to do, whatever you heard she wanted to see, but you never came around to do it. Do it now. Surprise her. Show some romance outside the bed. It might bring back sparks and help mend the relationship again.
Are you making yourself physically desirable, OP, in terms of great hygiene, brushing teeth twice a day (electric toothbrush and Waterpik) and before making love, fresh breath, clean body, and dressing well and stylishly to look attractive.
Do you give your wife's body loving attention in making love to her whole body with caresses all over, kisses all over, and attention to many body parts - foreplay, before, after, and during.
This will likely get worse as you get into your 70's. Most women want less sex while most men have the same sex drive they always did. So what do you do if your sex drive is 10x greater than your partner's?
One thing you can do is make sure you both enjoy what sex you do have. Personally, I want my partner to have an orgasm before I do. That's probably the most I can contribute to the encounter, and it gives me the feeling I'm having a moment together, not just satisfying myself. Then when I've had mine we can relax and bask in the afterglow for a few minutes before going to sleep.
The other thing is you may have to accept that you will have to be the one to bring up the idea for sex, or it won't come up at all. And you may have to accept a number of rejections of the idea for every acceptance of the idea. I think this is where love is important. It's important to have a sex life, but if it's less frequent than it was, if you love each other, you accept it.
I think it's important to realize this is your partner's body changing. That it's not a rejection of you, especially if sex is the only aspect of your relationship that has changed. In that case it's not that she finds you less desireable, she finds sex less desireable. You have to be accepting of her diminished desire. But you can't give up on sex either. It's a fine line.
Quote:
Originally Posted by homina12
I don't know that I've ever posted a personal relationship problem here. I've talked about personal issues, but they've been mine. This one is "ours", and I'm not sure I'll be able to convey it clearly without feeling like I'm violating her privacy. But here goes.
So as the title says, I need help sorting out my feelings and thoughts about our sex life. For the faint of heart, we're both in our 60s and we have sex. Deal with that
We have sex, but not as often or in as mutually enthusiastic a manner as I'd like. I provide most of the energy and enthusiasm, and that wasn't always the case. Things started to shift about 7-8 years ago, but that was subtle and we both adjusted. Like I said, we're older and fairly realistic. Another shift started about 2-3 years ago, and we made changes she needed which, TMI or not, make sex less intense. She misses the intensity, and I'm sure she feels a loss also.
I feel kind of useless. I work fine and all, but we don't, and that feels like it's on me to fix. I'm the one with the motivation, anyway. So I feel useless and sad but also irritated, like I'm doing more than my part already and.....I know, it's not about keeping score. So then what, equanimity? **** equanimity.
It may be that I want to be, or to feel, wanted. It is that. How does a man talk about that without sounding whiney, and ultimately, coming off as less attractive? And how do I separate my personal insecurities from this real and separate issue that's poking them? Poking That we've made adjustments she needs and that's left us both less happy makes this especially tough to broach. An egg shell conversation I really don't want to have.
And it may be that we conclude that this is where we are and we have to accept that. Maybe I need to feel wanted in some other way, and maybe she can or can't help with that. Seems to be the unacknowledged elephant in the room. I hate elephants.
But I can do the conversation. How do I get my head straight before I open my mouth, though? I'm a bunch or raw emotion.
Last edited by bobspez; 05-08-2019 at 06:37 PM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
That we've made adjustments she needs and that's left us both less happy makes this especially tough to broach. An egg shell conversation I really don't want to have.
