My ex-husband was just such a moron I can hardly keep track of all the stupid things he did and the clueless way he acted during our three year marriage. However...here are a few goodies from the distant past:
I agree that one should never take or send a man to the grocery store. Nothing good will come of it. My ex, however, hated to be left alone, so he insisted on coming shopping with me one evening. We got to the store and I started my usual route, left to right. Every time we got to a new aisle he would stop and stand in the middle of everything and look around, bewildered, and say, "What do we need in this aisle?" I would tell him, for instance, a can of green beans. He would stare at the shelves, glassy-eyed, and say, "Why do they hide things? You should just be able to walk up to the shelf and get what you want." I said, "You CAN do that. See?" Then I would pick up the can. I won't go into the whole drama, but he "just couldn't understand" how people could find anything. His shopping consisted of sugar, ice cream, potato chips, fat, and other wise choices.
My ex always told me that he was a much better cook than me. I don't know why he popped off like that because I cooked every night and all he could put together was a sandwich. In any case, someone gave us a wok for our wedding and he wanted to make stir-fried rice. Instead of judging or trying to take over, I just left him alone and decided that I could always eat something else later if need be. About 10 minutes later - you guessed it - I smelled smoke. I went into the kitchen and whatever rice wasn't scorched to the bottom of the pan was flying out into the room like popcorn. I said, "What happened?" He started swearing about the "stupid rice," like it should know how to cook itself. I then saw that he hadn't cooked the rice first...he had poured about a pound of dry, hard rice into the pan which was totally coated in oil...to which he started adding cold water!
Of course, the whole thing went up in flames and we had to use wet dish towels to put it out. When it was all over I gently said that I thought the rice had to be cooked first before it was stir-fried in the wok. "No, it doesn't," he smarted. "The wok cooks everything for you!" Whatever! Just to prove how dumb I was being, he actually ate this burnt mess...I made a sandwich.
I had posted this doozy on another site, but for anyone who may not have seen it, another thing that my ex used to do was barge into the bathroom while I was taking a shower and throw a glass of cold water in my face. he thought he was so funny..then he'd run out the door, laughing like a lunatic.
This jerk had zero respect for privacy and was always needing to be around me...even pounding on the bathroom door when I had it locked. He would constantly call me at work on his days off because he wondered when I was coming home. "Well, when I get off work, I suppose!" Sheesh! On that note, this next one is a real wonder to me. One night, I was locking up the store to come home and the key broke off in the lock. I knew I could slide the spare key under the door and someone could unlock it from the outside. I called by husband and asked him if he would drive over to unlock the door - it was two blocks away. He whined that he was watching his show and didn't want to miss it and could I wait until it was over...an hour and 45 minutes later! I asked him if he could come during the commercial since we lived so close. He just sighed and slammed the phone down. I did not call back and prepared to spend the night if necessary. About ten minutes later I heard him tapping on the door and saw that he had this stupid, exaggerated patience look on his face. He was all aggitated and kept pointing to the bottom of the door, making these stupid gestures about me sliding the key under and him unlocking it. Right, moron, I got it! It was my plan, after all. Once this was done we each went to out own cars and drove home. Then he griped and griped and complained all night long, "Now I don't know what happened on my show! Thanks a lot...can't you even figure out how to turn a key?!"
When I wised up and finally left him, he cried and hit the wall and cried some more and just couldn't understand why I left.
I guess I had better stop here, but, oh, I've got a million of them!
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Too Many Moments to Count!
