My partner’s best friend is ignoring me to the point it is a burden (boyfriend, girlfriend)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I've (32F) been in a relationship with a guy (30M) for about a year. Although we need to work on some (classic) communication stuff, we are confident and comfortable enough in the relationship to move in together this summer. We already have lots of exciting life plans! We both have good, close friends on our own, while having the desire for our respective friends to meet and maybe be friends with each other if there is a match.
The challenge is my partner's best friend (30M). He acts strangely around me, doesn't look at me or even ignores me completely. It's to the point where at dinner parties, while talking, if my partner and his friend's girlfriend (25F) end up having a two-way conversation about something when his friend wanted to say something, I try to show him that I'm still listening to him, but he ignores me completely, only looking at my partner to seek his attention. It seems minor, but the accumulation of all the situations is becoming more and more of a burden.
On the other hand, this friend has had a partner for about 3 years. She is nice and we get along pretty well. However, she is ALWAYS there, every time my partner and his friend see each other. Automatically. They have a guys weekend at a cabin, she goes to meet them on Saturday night. When my partner finally finds out she'll be there, he invites me to come too, but since his friend only mentions it 2 days before, I already have other plans with friends that I wouldn't cancel for that. They play video games together about 3 times a week and she is again, ALWAYS on the call. She didn't play video games before she knew her boyfriend, but now she does. However, it seems like she doesn't really like it but still sticks on the calls (my partner says the same thing). They have a three-way chat group where they talk to each other every day and I am not invited...
I consider myself to have made an effort to try to connect with his friend. I downloaded a messaging application that he and his friends use because they don't want to use Messenger, I regularly offer to invite them for dinner, outdoor activities, getaways, and I even suggested that we only invite this friend for a hiking trip while his girlfriend was working. But my partner told me that he didn't feel like it and it stayed that way. I would add that we see my partner's friends at least 5 times more than mine. My friends almost all have kids, so it definitely changes the dynamic.
To date, I have tried twice to discuss the situation with my partner, telling him that I was finding it difficult to connect with his friend, describing some of the situations where I felt ignored, and mentioning that I was really starting to feel left out. I asked him if I had done anything to frustrate his friend or if his ex was close to him and therefore he might find it difficult to deal with a new person. He said I didn't do anything wrong and even told me that his ex also found it difficult to interact with his friend. I also told him that I could see that he himself was not acting that way with his friend's girlfriend, that he was inclusive and friendly.
His reaction: My partner smirked both times and told me that he thinks his friend was poorly socialized as a child, so that's why he is like that. But he doesn't offer to talk to him or do anything to help me not feel left out.
I'm not sure what to do now. A friend told me to let them do their three-way thing and make other plans, but I find it really annoying to have to put myself aside because of this friend. I know that sometimes you don't get along with all of your partner's friends, but since he's his best friend, they see each other quite often, and we're moving together, I want to find a solution that will be sustainable for our future.
I knew someone years ago that was in a similar situation as you are. Her boyfriend's best friend was oddly territorial and jealous of anyone not from his own personal circle joining into the space and ignored her. Let go of the fantasy of a desired kumbaya that you've built in your mind. Stay cordial and pleasant around his best friend. Get busy with your own interests and hobbies, stop being needy and clingy. There's nothing more of a turn off than someone that doesn't have their own interests! Don't burden your boyfriend with strife or nagging about his bestie. In the end, you'll end up getting the boot out the door before a guy's best friend will...living with him or not!
The friend might be socially awkward but, in any case, he does not like you. Since that is the case, tell your boyfriend to see less of his bff, to where it is tolerable to you. If he still shrugs it off, then, break it off. Since your boyfriend hangs around with pricks, he is most likely a prick too.
Last edited by MercedesBoy; 05-28-2022 at 09:37 PM..
The longer you are together and the deeper your relationship becomes, the less of an issue this will be. Don't fight it or try to fix it. Just flow with it. He'll come around to you or he won't but it's really their relationship that has to adjust.
Don't move in with your bf. Quit trying to be friends with your bf's best friend. Politely ignoring him is good enough. Do your own thing when his friend is around. Maybe do more of your own thing when he's not around. Don't count on your bf even noticing if you are gone.
I would ignore the friend. Be minimally polite. Don't be anything to him. So many best friends of exes started **** for no reason. It is as though they are terrified a woman will get in the way of their bromance. I have yet to meet a normal best friend. It wouldn't concern me now. Back then I was wondering what I did wrong. One actually hit on me after we’d broken up. Just disrespect and strange. Oddly too my exes when they met a friend of mine weren't friendly. I dont know, maybe I knew immature people.
Your bf is no help. I’d try to not have to hang out with any of them. What’s the point? They can hang out separately.
Sorry you are having difficulty connecting with your Partners friend. Since you call him partner and not boyfriend, I would stay out of it. Don't get annoyed about it, you don't care that much for this guy so don't try to get in between their friendship. Let it be. And I'd suggest you not move in with your partner until you've been together for a few years. Your story is something I'd expect to hear from a teenager so just let yourself mature for a few more years. This guy, this partner, well maybe find another partner
Your boyfriend and his friend are lovers and his lover is jealous because your mutual boyfriend is paying too much attention to you.
oh good lord
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
