Sos !!!! (wife, how to, marriage, guy)

[yhwhshalomjr]

I decided that I may need to start my own thread for your pov
When you love someone, your perspective can sometimes be clouded
Young and immature I married and I still care very much for him, years
later
here's the scenario
I messed up and let a good mate go, divorced , then he asked me to remarry
3 years after the divorce, I was in a rebellious mindset then and said no, Now I regret it, This was the marriage for me and I was too foolish to realize it. I long to be with them again, my heart aches..
I lost contact for about 16 years, and one day I stumbled over a site that
gave me his number and I called him and he was estatic,
I found out by my ex- in law that he had married 3x's since me and all ended
in a divorce, But he said I caught him single and wanted to get back together immediately, and he started making arrangements for us to get back together, and about 3 weeks later, he cooled off//
I was floored, what could have changed his mind? We never got as far as to meet up together as planned
He did mention while we were reminiscing that he was young and really did love me more than life and I hurt him twice, not with cheating on him or anything, just rejecting the marriage and abandoning him.
I told him how much I desired to make it up to him and could he find it in his heart to forgive me, I guess it was hard....for him ..He waited anxiously for me to send him a pic of myself.. and when he received it he said he could tell I had got bigger (when we were married I was this size,) ? and he said that I was still very pretty to him...?????????
What happened?
open to advice from mature conservative men..
we were both military, and now retired at a fairly early age, we met there,
Back then in 80's I found it difficult to juggle miltary and family life (but I made a good homemaker ) I was stressed then
He said he loved me because of things that he could find no where in life.
we both had the same childhood, adopted and abandoned and all.
He was a good husband and father ; and I was a good wife to him...we had everything in common, did everything together
all the marrieds at whatever military installation we lived at, said we were the ideal couple..
Now since he's seemed to cool off.
I call him once or twice a month and we chat small talk...I call to see how things are going with him, etc.
and he's always free to talk, and he's always eating out,( which is indicative of "SINGLE" for him, when we were together, he always liked all of his meals at home)
so this is not normal for him... He mentioned that he keep getting into relaionships because he does not want to be alone
I knew this already, but he can't continue to marry hoping to find security (has no real biological family) mother, father, lady who raised him all died.. and brothers were split somewhere in the adoption phase....
but he's always happy to hear from me, he never initate calls to me ,what's up with
this dude? is he playing with my head??
p.s. he said he had a friend........Definition for him: a safety net, don't like being alone , some to have sex with
I have investigative proof that he is not living with her, or married to her
this is someone he says to keep him from being lonely.
He wanted me to move up to the state that he lives in....
chime in men.....
thanks
sorry this was so lengthy, trying to give as many details as I can, so you can get an idea of what I'm dealing with....
females can chime in too, but I prefer a man's take on this

[ellie]

I'm female but it sounds to me like this guy isn't sure he wants to move so fast. It's none of your business why. Just let things move along at their own pace.

He knows how to get in contact with you now. Get comfortable with the idea that you may not get back together.

[Beth56]

I would say he has abandonment issues. Maybe he's not sure he can handle a third time. By the way, did he send you his recent picture? If not, maybe his weight isn't the same and he doesn't want you to know.

[yankeegirl313]

I would let him make the next move.

[Capt. Cave Man]

Once bitten, twice shy. If I were him I'd blow you off too. Just my opinion. I guess I have no desire to go back to someone who kicked me TWICE in the "dangles".

But then again I'm not in that situation, so I can't be 100%.......but still, come on.

Plenty of fish in the sea, if you go after him please don't treat him like a POS.

You wanted an opinion, I gave it to you. I have nothing against you or him, just my opinion is all.

I do wish you the best, and from the bottom of my heart....THANK YOU for your service to our country. Big or small, I don't care. I tip my hat.

[yhwhshalomjr]

Originally Posted by Beth56

I would say he has abandonment issues. Maybe he's not sure he can handle a third time. By the way, did he send you his recent picture? If not, maybe his weight isn't the same and he doesn't want you to know.

Beth;
You know, he hasn't sent me a pic ; I asked him once and he just danced around
the question;
But in the back of my mind, it bothered me
Thanks for bringing this up

[yhwhshalomjr]

Originally Posted by Capt. Cave Man

Once bitten, twice shy. If I were him I'd blow you off too. Just my opinion. I guess I have no desire to go back to someone who kicked me TWICE in the "dangles".

But then again I'm not in that situation, so I can't be 100%.......but still, come on.

Plenty of fish in the sea, if you go after him please don't treat him like a POS.

You wanted an opinion, I gave it to you. I have nothing against you or him, just my opinion is all.

I do wish you the best, and from the bottom of my heart....THANK YOU for your service to our country. Big or small, I don't care. I tip my hat.

Chuckling.........
You're right , and I respect you for your honesty
I stated that I was immature and my issues, I didn't just up and kick him in the pants, ya know,...There were situations that led up to it.
So I definitely have matured mentally, and wouldn't treat anyone undeserving
with rejection; There was really no bad guy at the time that these decisions were made. I was holding on to anger/resentment for something that happened before we got married while stationed in Korea
whatever happens , I love him and want his forgiveness more than anything
by the way people can change for the better
Thanks a lot for you views

[Beth56]

Originally Posted by yhwhshalomjr

Beth;
You know, he hasn't sent me a pic ; I asked him once and he just danced around
the question;
But in the back of my mind, it bothered me
Thanks for bringing this up

You are welcome. It sounds like he is having a difficult time. Everyone he ever loved has either left him or died. I can't blame him for having second thoughts about you. If you sincerely think you made a mistake and really love this guy, then take your time. He had 3 marriages after you and he may not be the same person you once knew. Life has a way of knocking you around and changing the essence of what you were when you were young. Don't say or do anything unless you know you mean it. It's been a long time. I think you need to get to know one another again. One of you may find the other is no longer right for you. Sometimes you just can't go back and pick up where you left off. Good luck.

[yhwhshalomjr]

Originally Posted by yankeegirl313

I would let him make the next move.

Thanks;
You're probably right , but it's hard to do
I know him and , sometimes I feel he want me to rectify the pain that I caused him, by making me realize just how crappy it can feel to be rejected.
And I might add, that he's doing an excellent job of it.

[Beth56]

Originally Posted by yhwhshalomjr

p.s. he said he had a friend........Definition for him: a safety net, don't like being alone , some to have sex with
I have investigative proof that he is not living with her, or married to her
this is someone he says to keep him from being lonely.

Be careful with this. It sounds a little obsessive to me. If he doesn't call you, then leave it alone. The last thing you want is to be obsessed and begin to stalk him. That screams desperation. Sometimes it's just better to move on.