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I've been with my wife for about 10 years now. Married for 7years. Have kids.
When we started dating we spoke aboit each others pasts and relationships and she told me she had a boyfriend. In conversations then i asked her if she had any terminated pregnancies or miscarriages and she said she hadnt had sex with her guy.
Fast forward to 4 years ago i found some old pics of her and her ex making out and asked her and then she said she had sex once with protection but it was more like an in out thing just to try, but never actually went ahead and didnt want to talk further about it because she didnt want to even try that but he asked to try but stopped there.
Fast forward to 2 nights ago, i was clearing our old usbs and find a letter of hers from 12 years ago to her friend stating she was not only dating the guy but was also engaged to him(which she denied to me when one of our common friend told us she was engaged in the past) and the letter also mentioned she had a miscarriage .
Im very hurt that she has lied to me especially when i have asked her about it. She addressed the engagement part and said it was just something they both spoke about and few friends knew but it wasnt official with any proposal. But she is diverting the miscarriage topic and blaming me for being disrespectful for asking .
I know it happened before my time and it doesnt affect me in any way but its the lies that is really bothering me and making me wonder that if she has lied to my face about such big stuff like miscarriage then what else has she lied about... (she even lied about it to doctor when they asked what number pregnancy we were at - we had 1 miscarriage 3 years ago and she would always count that).
Need advise and help how i should clear my head...
I think it’s wrong for boyfriends/girlfriends or spouses to demand the gory details of past relationships. My husband of 35 years knows absolutely nothing about any of my past relationships other than I was married once before.
I've been with my wife for about 10 years now. Married for 7years. Have kids.
When we started dating we spoke aboit each others pasts and relationships and she told me she had a boyfriend. In conversations then i asked her if she had any terminated pregnancies or miscarriages and she said she hadnt had sex with her guy.
Fast forward to 4 years ago i found some old pics of her and her ex making out and asked her and then she said she had sex once with protection but it was more like an in out thing just to try, but never actually went ahead and didnt want to talk further about it because she didnt want to even try that but he asked to try but stopped there.
Fast forward to 2 nights ago, i was clearing our old usbs and find a letter of hers from 12 years ago to her friend stating she was not only dating the guy but was also engaged to him(which she denied to me when one of our common friend told us she was engaged in the past) and the letter also mentioned she had a miscarriage .
Im very hurt that she has lied to me especially when i have asked her about it. She addressed the engagement part and said it was just something they both spoke about and few friends knew but it wasnt official with any proposal. But she is diverting the miscarriage topic and blaming me for being disrespectful for asking .
I know it happened before my time and it doesnt affect me in any way but its the lies that is really bothering me and making me wonder that if she has lied to my face about such big stuff like miscarriage then what else has she lied about... (she even lied about it to doctor when they asked what number pregnancy we were at - we had 1 miscarriage 3 years ago and she would always count that).
Need advise and help how i should clear my head...
If shes been a good lady up to this point you are blessed! its unfair to judge her based of her past. She didnt want you to think any less of her. She wanted you to be proud of her. We all have done things in the past that we are ashamed off.
How about a session or two with a marriage counselor?
What exactly are you upset about? That she had sex with someone(s) else? That she may have been engaged? That she once loved or at least cared about someone besides you? Were you expecting a virgin bride? Is this a religious thing?
How was the marriage before you started finding pictures (4 years ago!) and now the usb thing? If it's been a good marriage maybe you should let the past stay buried.
Does it ever occur to you that she's embarrassed by her past, although I don't see it as much of a past tbh. That maybe she feels you are judging her for it, what little there is of it?
If shes been a good lady up to this point you are blessed! its unfair to judge her based of her past. She didnt want you to think any less of her. She wanted you to be proud of her. We all have done things in the past that we are ashamed off.
Op, if you've been happy and love ea other and things are otherwise all ok, l'd go with this too.
lt's past man, long long past by the sounds and there are reasons we do or say whatever we do sometimes, maybe even our own guilts or pain or who knows.
What matters is the present and future.
I'm willing to bet your wife was shamed and felt pressured to hide what was a upsetting and possibly traumatic past. Many women feel like their value as a woman goes down or she won't attract the right guy if her past with other men or children are known.
It's still lying and something you and your wife need to discuss. Being lied to for that length is just as traumatize and can end relationships. If you can't trust your partner then you can't have a forward moving relationship.
It's sad and I feel for the wife. But lying is hurtful and damages relationship because now your partner has no idea who you truly are.
I've been with my wife for about 10 years now. Married for 7years. Have kids.
When we started dating we spoke aboit each others pasts and relationships and she told me she had a boyfriend. In conversations then i asked her if she had any terminated pregnancies or miscarriages and she said she hadnt had sex with her guy.
Fast forward to 4 years ago i found some old pics of her and her ex making out and asked her and then she said she had sex once with protection but it was more like an in out thing just to try, but never actually went ahead and didnt want to talk further about it because she didnt want to even try that but he asked to try but stopped there.
Fast forward to 2 nights ago, i was clearing our old usbs and find a letter of hers from 12 years ago to her friend stating she was not only dating the guy but was also engaged to him(which she denied to me when one of our common friend told us she was engaged in the past) and the letter also mentioned she had a miscarriage .
Im very hurt that she has lied to me especially when i have asked her about it. She addressed the engagement part and said it was just something they both spoke about and few friends knew but it wasnt official with any proposal. But she is diverting the miscarriage topic and blaming me for being disrespectful for asking .
I know it happened before my time and it doesnt affect me in any way but its the lies that is really bothering me and making me wonder that if she has lied to my face about such big stuff like miscarriage then what else has she lied about... (she even lied about it to doctor when they asked what number pregnancy we were at - we had 1 miscarriage 3 years ago and she would always count that).
Need advise and help how i should clear my head...
How about a session or two with a marriage counselor?
What exactly are you upset about? That she had sex with someone(s) else? That she may have been engaged? That she once loved or at least cared about someone besides you? Were you expecting a virgin bride? Is this a religious thing?
How was the marriage before you started finding pictures (4 years ago!) and now the usb thing? If it's been a good marriage maybe you should let the past stay buried.
Does it ever occur to you that she's embarrassed by her past, although I don't see it as much of a past tbh. That maybe she feels you are judging her for it, what little there is of it?
No i dont care about the part that she had sex or that she was engaged or that she had to terminate her pregnancy(or if it was a miscarriage). I cant get over the fact that she straight up lied to my face about it. She wouldnt even have told me now after 10 years if i didnt find that letter.
Even now she said the engagement thing wasnt real and the ex was telling people about it then(they broke up because he ended the relationship because he cheated and then wanted to be with that other woman).
But she is just not telling me about the miscarriage and just saying its not what im assuming . Im assuming and judging her so she doesnt want to talk about it. It doesnt make sense. Im assuming based on a letter she wrote.
ldk op.
But right there there was a lot of hurt from it all and what had happened for her. And maybe now it's all been long long over with yrs ago , new life and you.
The lie well, me l'd just say to hell with it unless there's been other things. ls she generally honest?
ldk op.
But right there there was a lot of hurt from it all and what had happened for her. And maybe now it's all been long long over with yrs ago , new life and you.
The lie well, me l'd just say to hell with it unless there's been other things. ls she generally honest?
Yeah generally been pretty honest. Few white lies here and there but has always been vague about her past and lied or hidden the full picture. She does say stuff like dont know the full picture and what she went through and she doesnt like talking about her past as she has pushed it somewhere far and doesnt want to talk about it.
That being said, her ex and his wife are part of her social circle and whenever she is in town we've met alongside common friends and she has always been cordial with them both, so makes me wonder what was so bad to not talk about if you are ok with the person now.
She has been a pretty good wife and great mother to our kids.
Never cheated or flirted with anyone
But the thing is that i hate being blindsided and this felt like it. And it feels like if this could be something she blatantly lied to me what else could she have lied about too? Its the basic trust that has shaken
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