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First time poster and college student. I know there are other threads similar to mine, but I do not know how to find them.
Just went through a 3-year relationship. Like most relationships, it typically got worse as time went by. We were awesome at first, and we loved to hang out despite having completely different interests. At first, though, she never really talked, for I thought she was shy. But she never quite changed over the years, and never got me to take part in activities involving her interests, despite my wanting to do so. I would plan events to do, but she always threw stuff that I knew she wanted to do under the bus.
Other than that, she was absolutely perfect for me. Everything else was absolutely fantastic (including the sex). And despite a rather shaky communication dialog, everything else between us was absolutely dandy. It was the only true source of conflict.
A couple of weeks ago, she broke up with me. The two reasons she claimed for breaking up dealt with the communication issue, along with a general fear that we wouldn't be close after graduation (difference in where to go). I was distraught for 2 days, but managed to keep myself distracted. I had a prior breakup before, so I had a general idea of what to expect. However, I found myself dealing with it very well. I went out with friends the first night, and have generally just been going out to bars for casual drinks.
However, on day 3 of the breakup, the stress started to hit me hard. I wasn't stressing the fact that I was single, but I was generally just worried for her sake (we pretty much spent all our time together, but she never really had an extended social network of friends). I found myself missing her very much, and I wanted to get in touch with her.
I do not know her current state of mind, and I know that people generally need their space after a breakup. But I desperately want to get in touch with her for the sake of making sure she's okay. Is there any compromise? Should I call her just to make sure? Should I send a light text message? Or if there's any advice on rekindling a friendship?
Also, since we were in a relationship for 3 years, I'd like to think we were both extremely dedicated to making this work. If communication is the only true problem on the surface (since there is always a possibility of winding up in the same place post-grad) is there any hope to salvage the relationship?
Just in my opinion, usually it works best if the one who breaks up contacts the other first. Remember, if she broke up with you, it wasn't meant to be. Basically, you have no control over it, so do not try to control something you cannot.
Enjoy the single life and find a young lady that you have common interests with!
Ahem somewhat similar issues my ex had with me .. we broke up ..had break up pangs ..felt i couldnt live without her ..state of denial .. self-pity all the hula baloos ..and still living with the Alive and Kicking Attitude .. hope u do the same .. dont waste your time and dont mess up your mind .. just let go of what seems to be a PAST .. History .. no one can change the past ..but u can definitely change the future .. long story short ..live your present with a HOPE to live a better future ..with a better companion ..good luck and god bless ..cheers !
I know you want to contact her, but resist the urge. SHE broke it off with YOU. Which means that if you contact her, she'll probably talk to you out of guilt or maybe out of familiarity, but NOT b/c SHE wanted to hear from you, rather that YOU wanted to hear from her.
She wants space, and as much as it hurts, you have to let her go. If she comes back later, YOU need to reevaluate this relationship for yourself. Is it truly something that you want? In the mean time, try to engage in activities with other friends, and do things that get your mind off of her. In time you'll find it easier and easier. Hang in there!
You need to move on. She broke up with you and she will be fine. If she isn't fine, she could contact you, but she hasn't - this should tell you something. I know how difficult a break up is, but this is for the best. Communication is the key to a long term relationship and common interests are a big bonus as well. Your relationship lacked both of these elements, so no matter how good the other aspects were it was not destined to last. You may not see this now because you are in the midst of it, but she did you a favor by breaking up with you. You can do better. Take care.
It's hard to just walk away from a relationship when you've been at it for that long, isn't it? Indeed, it is.
Here's the bad news: You're NOT going to fix this one.
Here's why: She broke up with you, which means that A) if you go chasing her and trying to "fix" whatever you think was broken she'll have an utter lack of respect for you specifically because of that, and B) there were adequate things there you felt were lacking on her part (such as the communication) and yet she stated that as part of the reason for her dumping you.
The way this works: You all are looking at (whether nearing or nearing within a year or so) graduation. To put it bluntly, she's been with you for this long and she's wondering what she's missing by not dating other guys. She feels she hasn't explored her options, whether that three years began in high school (or especially if it began in high school) or it's all been during your college years.
She sees this phase of her life as "over" and wants to move on.
What you haven't grasped is that she's FINE, YOU'RE the one who's stressing over this.
Clues:
- You began your post with a not-so-subtle negative outlook: "Like most relationships, it typically got worse as time went by." Dude, that line speaks volumes. It suggests an outlook which is probably much more negative than you THINK it is. It also, even without ANY of the rest of your post, indicates a certain neediness.
- You indicate that she hasn't called, you're stressing about it, but you say you're really stressing for her sake. Honest to God, son, I want you to stop and imagine how that sounds to another man, especially any men here who have been around the block a few times. Here's the thing: We are NOT laughing at you, but at your lack of self-realization at this point, and we're ONLY laughing because we've been there and done that and learned how silly it was. Psychologists call it Justification.
- When you say you're worrying (for her sake, of course), you may not realize it but you sound kind of... well, kind of critical about your now ex-, and NOT in that "constructive criticism" fashion. She doesn't communicate well, she doesn't have a social network... You indicate that SHE never changed over the years while subtly indicating that you have. That's a suggestion that you've grown as in individual while she hasn't. That ALONE may be a reason for her dumping you, and NOT because she feels inadequate compared to you but because she sees herself as having grown in some direction of which you're apparently completely ignorant! I'm not saying this IS the case, but dude -- honestly, if she was actually THAT stagnant on a personal level, are you really naive enough to think she'd be the proactive one who dumped YOU?!?
- You've been "through a breakup before" and had a general idea of what to expect. Well, aren't you just the WORLDLY one, despite posting a topic like this? That's not me making fun of you, that's me pointing out something you need pointed out to you. You talk as though you pity this girl, you seem critical of her -- I know you may not MEAN to be or you may not realize you are, but trust me, you're MEANING what you say more than you realize -- and you're portraying yourself as the calm, mature one here while "being concerned for her because [insert shortcoming here]."
No. Just NO. Stop NOW.
The advice: This is GOLD I'm giving you, son, absolute GOLD. You're a grown man who's still got some growing up to do -- and there's nothing wrong with that, it happens to LOTS of us and it keeps happening. In fact, think of every single NEW situation that comes into your life as a growing experience and you'll never be insulted by being told you have some growing up to do.
That being said -- if you go chasing this girl the ONLY things you're going to be doing are: A) ruining any possibility that she'll seek you out IF she actually has anything to mull over in her head -- which I assure you, she does not, she's quite finished with you, the thing about not staying close after graduation was abundantly clear if only you had the wherewithall to dissect it and grasp that she already doesn't see you together, and B) you're going to even tarnish (I'd use a harsher illustration here but it would be filtered) the MEMORY of your time together by irritating her with this activity.
1. Leave her alone; it's over, she's finished with YOU even if you're not finished with her.
2. Sit the heck down and examine yourself. You think you love this girl, I understand; but what you have NOT realized is that you don't respect her as much as you think you do.
3. You're justifying YOUR loneliness and feelings of being adrift now that this is over. Relax, I PROMISE you, it gets easier and easier with a little bit of time, and one day you'll look back at this and laugh at yourself, assuming you're maturing as efficiently as you suggest in your post.
4. There are other grad schools; it might behoove you to find one, otherwise you're NOT going to get this out of your head. However, recognizing that such things are difficult, the next best thing is simply avoiding her, not in a nasty way, but definitely avoiding her for a while, until the sting wears off.
5. Stop and think about what you now have going for you. You're young, you're closing in on graduation and you've got SOME experience in relationships, all you need is some critical introspection -- because trust me, the image you THINK you gave us of you and the image we actually got are NOT the same. And the only person who can solve that is YOU.
6. Try being single for a while, thinking of yourself as an individual rather than part of a former couple. MOVE ON. Learn that you don't NEED to be in a relationship to be happy. Learn to be happy with yourself and ONLY yourself.
Thank you for that post. That was seriously a good wake up call and reality check that I certainly needed, and I feel a lot better just by reading your post. I guess it's just one of those things where I'm just telling myself I'm over her, when in reality it's not at all the case. I've got a ton of stuff lined up over the next week to just keep me distracted. I definitely have not been sulking over her, but I guess I'm just going through a withdrawal phase.
I'm going to a few exchanges and invites next week. Some casual drinking (not binge) is in store. We'll see how it goes!
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..good luck and god bless ..cheers !
