I have a rotten DIL (Christian, how to, married, women)

[cremebrulee]

As some of you already know, things have not been good for the past 11 years with my son.

I was just wondering, how many of you DIL's encourage your husband to spend time with his mother?

I hope you do...b/c if it wouldn't be for his mother, he wouldn't be here and you would have never met him.

I constantly see how DIL's rant and rave about their MIL's. Some MIL's are mean, but most are simply older, set in their ways and say what they think.

I've heard some pretty awful things said by DIL's about their MIL's...and it always makes me think this....

If their MIL is really that bad, then she must be having a hell of a time with her husband, b/c the MIL raised him to think and believe as he does...

I have never had to deal with this in my family before....our family was always welcoming family visits...as a lot of them were from out of state. My mother loved her MIL, FIL, etc...and welcomed them in her home. But, the difference is, my mother was a kind person who loved people and wanted to rejoice in their successes...she wasn't intimidated by her MIL, but more so, complimented by her....and never ever, would she have tried to turn her husband against them.

Also, I don't have any friends who have been made to suffer this...they all get along with their DIL's and love them dearly. I couldn't wait to have a DIL...

She had a very difficult childhood...and actually she is the best out of her other sibblings...but very manipulative, cunning and actually scarey...I've had to cut them both off...for the past two years...but I wrote my son, and started calling him...he doesn't reciprocate...I believe he'd feel guilty and wrong if he did...he has compromised his whole being for her...

It is sometimes unconceivable to me, that a woman can be that ruthless? Without guilt, or saddness for the relationship she has destroyed?

I hope and pray, all you DIL's out there realize, your MIL is not threat to you...your husband loves you more, in a very different way, as it should be...but to drive a wedge between mother and son, is ruthless and very cruel.

If your MIL is mean, that that is a different story....but if she is not....please, encourage a relationship with her, don't fear her...learn from her, good and bad...because she is the reason, you find qualities in your husband to love...

any of you out there, have had to deal with this....and please, I ask you, no fighting if your going to respond to this thread...be civil and kind to others...

Thanks
Creme

[sierraAZ]

In my observations, creme, most DILs have to nag their husbands to stay in some contact with their mothers and if they don't send cards, gifts, etc. that job is never gonna get done.

As you may know, I personally prefer orphans (or MILs residing at least a few thousand miles away)...; however, they come with their own different sets of problems...

[mkat321]

I encourage my husband to spend time with his 'first' family as much as he can without taking time away from the kids and our family life. This despite overt and continual attempts to get rid of me over the years. I was raised to hold family very high no matter what and I try to teach this to my children by encouraging my husband to mend fences {though he's not the one who did the hurtful things} and spend time with his mother and other relatives.

That said, I have to argue the point you made that the MIL is the one who taught the husband how to think/believe etc. My husband is very different from his family, has been since he was a teen and always will be. His mother taught him to be very narrow-minded, elitist {this despite their annual income being at or below the poverty level many times over his growing up} and to hold those who think differently than their family does in contempt and ooze hatred around them, lightly covered by a veneer of 'good, church attending Christians who mean well' My husband is the very opposite, open minded, loving, caring, looks at the person and their character, not their family name or what part of town they live in, models love, respect, caring and honor to our children and those around him, and is very dedicated to his faith and not only professes it but honestly believes in it, practices it to the best of his ability. He is a shining example of rising above the things one's mother/family try to teach when those things are not right or peaceful.

[driftwoodpoint]

I think you need to be polite to your extended family. But if the person is unkind or not good to be near your family than I think you need to protect your children from a bad influence. I'm thankful that all of our extended family gets along and are nice people. I really feel bad for people who are stuff with unloving people in their families.

[Ivorytickler]

I don't consider it my DIL's job to do anything about my ss's (raised them since they were small so might as well be sons) contacting me. I expect them to worry about their own relationships with their own mothers. If my ss's do or don't contact me, that is their problem not hers.

Why do you consider it your DIL's job? Sure she never would have met him without you but that doesn't mean SHE owes you. More like he does. Whether or not he stays in contact has more to do with how you raised him than anything else.

Honestly, it sounds to me like you have too many expectations of your DIL's (couldn't wait to have one because you expected something from her). I enjoy my DIL's company but I don't worry about what she does for me or how often we get together. I just enjoy her company when we do. She's married to my ss not to me. I expect her to nurture her relationship with him not one with me.

[dragon_fly_12]

I encourage time spent with his mother and grandmother. Especially his grandmother.. no idea how long she'll be here.

I wish it was reciprocated back towards my family, but he is who he is.

There are a lot of bitter women raising children. There are a lot of young girls learning how to be manipulative, cunning, and controlling because mom taught them that is how they had to make their way in this world. Unless a woman is ready to face this problem and acknowledge that she really doesn't need to be this kind of person, the cycle will continue.

[mommytotwo]

I have two great mother in laws that my husband has absolutely ZERO initiative to bother contacting.

He loves his mother, but she lives 5,000 miles away.

He never calls her, though he just has to pick up the phone. She lives in another country, but really, he doesn't have to swim there, just pick up the phone and say "Hi". the poor lady.

When he does call, she spends the first 15 minutes yelling and crying that he never calls her.

She's a really nice lady, he's just LAZY.

It's rather pathetic.

When I call her, she spends the first 1 minute trying to make me feel guilty that it has been a long time since I called her. Then I move on and hope that she is grateful I called at all. It;s not my job to call her, it's his mother. I get rather tired of acting like his secretary fulfilling all his familial obligations. Enough already.

The other MIL is DH's stepmother. I love her too, but DH thinks shes sneaky. Never calls her and if his father dies may never speak to her again for all i know.

I used to fight to get DH to call his mom, but then I gave up. Sometimes I dial and hand him the phone when it is ringing, then he is stuck. That is the best method to get him to talk to her after it's been a while. No arguing, no nagging, just give him the ringing phone. But I only do that very rarely now because I just don't care anymore.

When the Step-MIL and FIL visit, they stay for a couple weeks. Maybe DH gets his fill?

No, I think he is just a procrastinator. Why do now what you can do tomorrow, or better yet, next week or just plain later. I keep telling him his relatives are old, and he should call them regularly just in case one of them up and dies unexpectedly. This doesn't move him. Later, is what he thinks. Another day, he thinks. Well, I don't know what the hell he is thinking, who can't pick up the phone and call their mother? (People that actually like or love their mother that is, which he does)

Anyhow, no bad blood here between me and multiple MILs. Love them. I don't know what the fuss is between DILs and MILs really. I think sometimes there is not enough respect going in both directions. that means trouble.

[mommytotwo]

sorry for the rant!

[cremebrulee]

I had one great MIL, and one who was a pain in the butt...she didn't mean to be, it wasn't in her to be mean or anything more then caring, although, she interferred way to much...and I was the one who always got the cards, made the calls, etc...but point being, even if she would have been mean, I would have never tried to play the victim to my husband, or speak to her unkindly...she meant well, she was much older, and wiser in a lot of ways...then, I didn't see it, but now I do.

Actually had no expectations from my DIL...I was thankful for her, b/c my son loved her so much...I was told once, by her, that I was all he and his friends talked about...I think that in itself intimidated her.

I'm not going to go into detail...but what I can say, is, that this is not your normal everyday family politics...I wish it were.

Thanks so kindly for your responses, as I was thinking of so many Mother's out there who are hated by their DIL's.

and by the way, they live far away...actually I managed for 10 years, to put up with it...so I supposed she was shocked I lasted that long. I can't, anymore...

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by mommytotwo

sorry for the rant!

no, no, no rant at all, as I welcome your perspectives...thank you