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Hi everyone, I really need to tell what's happening to me to someone since I haven't told any friends because I'm so embarrassed. Please bear with me, I know that what I'm doing is wrong in so many ways but it seems I cannot help it.
My ex-wife and I divorced a few months ago after maybe a year of separating, going back together and separating again. I'm still in love with her, and even though I know that we cannot be together again since so many things have happened in the last year between us, I still want to be with her every minute of my life.
Background:
Everything started in 2010 when my wife and I lived in City-1. I wasn't the best husband, but also never cheated, drink, gambled, hit her or anything like that, I did do things during our intimate moments that I knew she didn't enjoy, to be sincere I never knew they were such a big deal, how stupid of me. One day she told me that she didn't know if she loved me anymore. We would talk about it a little bit, but most of the time she would tell me that she was unsure about her romantic feeling towards me.
I tried to be as nice as possible but after a few months she left me to go live with a friend. We would see each other often since we agreed (or maybe I convinced her? I don't really know) to go see a therapist to try to fix our marriage.
Another couple months go by and in late July 2010 I discovered she had been dating another guy, her coworker, she said that besides kissing nothing else happened and that she didn't want a divorce, that she were not going to contact him anymore and that we should start fresh. Since I still loved her I agreed to this, but of course trusting issues emerged that hadn't existed before.
During our meetings with the counselor, she said that she had felt used during our relationship, that she had agreed to do things just to please me and so I don't get mad. I'm not violent though, I don't think I even raised my voice more than 2 or 3 times during the 8 years we were together. So I don't really understand why she just didn't say something like "No, when I say no is no", I would have backed off immediately. Anyway, she said things like basically "You have f*cked the love out of me" and even that "She felt like she had been assaulted over and over", that didn't feel
romantically connected to me anymore and that when this other guy came to her life she felt connected with someone again. I said things like I didn't trust her anymore, that we were supposedly trying to fix things and she had been seeing someone else at the same time. She was a liar and cheater. That she should have said anything and not got after the first guy that smiles at her, etc. That she lied to me when she said we were trying to have kids when in reality she was back on the pill without telling me. Granted most of the time we would talk about how much we loved each other and enjoyed each other’s company and that we wanted to start things again from scratch.
A month later, in August 2010, she moves to another city (City-2) and the plan was me following her after collecting my yearly bonus a couple months later and find a job there. During one of my visits to this other city I checked her phone and discovered that she had been texting this guy again. As you can imagine **** hit the fan, I yelled, called her everything in the book and so on. She basically told me that it was just as friends since he lives in City-1 and why should I worry, nothing would happen, dismissing the whole incident even though she promised not to talk to this guy anymore. I was so f*cked up mentally by this point that a couple weeks later a lost my job, they simply found out I was planning to move anyway and I was looking for another job. She was so pissed when I told
her and drove back to City-1 to help me move with her to City-2. A couple weeks passed and things didn't go well, I was looking for a job but stayed at home a lot which made things very stressful.
Minor things like buying a $40 fan became big issues; she would yell and tell me that I was wasting all the money (even though we have enough savings to live for more than 2 years without me working).
Later that month she told me she was moving out for good (Dec 2010) and wanted the divorce. As you can imagine I was crushed, I asked her not to do it, told her that things will get better once I get a job, that time heals everything. She moved out anyway. We saw each other very little in the following 3 months. Except maybe when I landed a good job again in city-2 and we went out for dinner to celebrate and during Valentine's that she surprised me at home with a gift and told me that she missed me. During this time I met another girl, I was so lonely, and she helped to make my days go by in a less depressing way. She wasn't my ex-wife though so things basically faded between the two of us.
Fast forward to mid-March 2011, my ex comes back from visiting friends in City-1 and started calling me to go out and see each other. We started getting very close again and one day, after many months, suddenly we have sex. She cries afterwards and tells me she we shouldn't have, that it was a big mistake, that every time we have sex she remembers how poorly I treated her before, that I shouldn't get
my hopes up to get back together and basically dumped me. Repeat the same thing maybe 3 times more (we start seeing each other, get close, have sex, she dumps me) in the following months.
Is during this period that she files for divorce and in June we finally get the decree in front of the judge. So you can see how weird was going ahead with the divorce while spending a lot of time together and even making love. Me always hoping she wouldn't go ahead with it, and she telling me that she loves me and that she is stalling with the paperwork, but then everything changes and we go back to the same thing.
She finds a summer job in City-1, which I don't like for obvious reasons but keep it to myself. The day before she leaves we have sex again and tells me that she loves me, that I'm the only man in her life, that she'll be back in just 2 months. The first week we communicate constantly and tell each other how much we missed each other but then things start cooling down, hoping to get things back on track I asked her if she wanted me to come visit and after a couple weeks of hesitation she says yes but that she didn't want to have any intimacy. I said ok, and go visit her mid-July, just a month ago. As soon as I arrive to her apartment she is completely over me, we go out and she cannot stop hugging and kissing me, we go back home and she undresses me and the obvious happens. The next couple
days things are just ok, I could tell she was struggling with her feelings but didn't say anything. Once I come back home, she call me a couple days later and tells me that she doesn't want to see me ever again, that we are done and we'll never be back together.
Present:
She came back from her summer job last Friday, she started calling me again when she was on the road, I went to pick her up as she told me as soon as she arrived. We hanged out for a couple hours and dropped her at home. I was trying to be a little distant the whole time, I have had time to think about it and things really needed to be over otherwise I'd never be able to move on. She calls me later that night and tells me her AC is not working if she can stay at my place. Of course, like the sucker I am, I agree. I cannot deny we have a great weekend together with a lot of touching and kissing but no sex. We don't see each other on Monday and she calls me on Tuesday saying that she misses me, we hook up that night and as expected everything changed again. The next day, yesterday, she doesn't want to pick up my calls until after a while when she tells me all these horrible things including that she hooked up with this same guy when she was in City-1 in March and saw him again
during the summer.
Now I'm just angry with her and myself. I haven't been able to sleep all night. She told me that in October she's planning to go to City-1 again to visit. You know what that means. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel that yes I was far from a perfect husband, but I have been working hard to make things work again between us but doesn't work.
I'm sure I shouldn't even contact her anymore but it doesn't help if it's a unilateral decision. I know I'll eventually miss her and she will call and I'll be standing at her front door 30 mins later.
I really need suggestions here, this is crushing me and it's like I'm a freaking junkie even though I don't want anything like this in a relationship but it's so hard that all my dreams went down the toilet and really I want the happy times back. I always pictured myself leaving a peaceful life with her and my kids.
What do you guys think happened to the "You are the only man in my life?"? Do you guys think she loves me but she's traumatized about our past? Or she just likes to play with me?
I just don't understand the calling me again and again after failing, does she truly misses ME? Or she just feels lonely and in reality anyone could feel that void?
Why would anyone do all this to someone you say constantly that you love? Doesn't she realize that every time she dumps me she hurts me a lot?
What do you think is her story with this other guy? Does she love him?
I'm thinking on finding a therapist, though never have been much of a talker, I feel that this is eating me inside.
You covered your situation very well; and I feel for you! One of the comments you made near the end of your posting was that you 'feel like a junkie'; and in a way you are addicted....addicted to her emotionally.
Unfortunately, her ambivalence ("I love you/I don't love you") is not going to change as long as you continue with the see-saw off-again, off-again scenario.
I can't read her mind; but she's playing mental gymnastics with you. Why is she doing it? She has to answer that question - and maybe she doesn't know.
Does she love you? Again, only she can answer. Perhaps her definition of love is 180 from your definition of love. Perhaps she misses you only when she's lonely; perhaps she misses the good times you shared. But, once you're together again, she faces the reality that she's not truly in love with you (and maybe part of her pain is that she doesn't know how to love; or how to accept love).
The other guy she sees: her explanation that he is 'just a friend' is one of the oldest cop-outs.
Should you see a therapist? If you do, it could help you to understand why it is difficult for you to cut her off and move on. And why you are emotionally addicted to her. You'll learn how to affirm yourself; build up your self-esteem/self-respect/self-confidence, and to realize that you deserve the entire loaf and not just the crumbs.
You have been more patient and tolerant with her than most would have been.
How can I say this gently? I can't: Your ex-wife is a psycho. Get her off your grid. Change your numbers, block her email addresses, have no further contact with her, and get yourself into therapy, not only so you can stop being a doormat to her instability, but so you can learn why a woman should never have to explain to you or any other man that "no means no."
Your ex feels she was sexually assaulted by you, I'm not going to debate whether it did or didn't happen, just stating what you've posted. Its a big issue. This is your ex and you come across as bit obsessed. Disconnect and move forward without your ex-wife.
Your ex feels she was sexually assaulted by you, I'm not going to debate whether it did or didn't happen, just stating what you've posted. Its a big issue. This is your ex and you come across as bit obsessed. Disconnect and move forward without your ex-wife.
I get the sense that she's playing these "mental gymnastics," as Zen mentioned, to get back at him. But as you say, can't really debate whether it did or didn't happen. It might have, but she might also just be a whackadoodle. Only the OP really knows.
I get the sense that she's playing these "mental gymnastics," as Zen mentioned, to get back at him. But as you say, can't really debate whether it did or didn't happen. It might have, but she might also just be a whackadoodle. Only the OP really knows.
Hes obsessed. I've delt with this issue and know the signs. There are two sides to the story.
Your ex feels she was sexually assaulted by you, I'm not going to debate whether it did or didn't happen, just stating what you've posted. Its a big issue. This is your ex and you come across as bit obsessed. Disconnect and move forward without your ex-wife.
I understand, I'll regret not being patient with her for the rest of my life. That's the main reason why I try so hard to make things right again, and feel so guilty about our relationship going downhill.
I understand, I'll regret not being patient with her for the rest of my life. That's the main reason why I try so hard to make things right again, and feel so guilty about our relationship going downhill.
What you are doing is mentally unhealthy, please move forward with your life. There are some wrongs you just can't make right.
Best Wishes
Been there done that. Not everything is your fault. As hard as it is, move on. I have to remind my ex wife that I don't want her to contact me. Cut all ties.
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