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I think I'm just having a moment where I need to rant, although it would be lovely if at least one person out there saw a fraction of my perspective and validated my belief that I'm not entirely crazy. Given that no one so far has seen my point of view, I'm assuming that I'm just overly sensitive and naive. It wouldn't be the first time.
I'm getting married in less than a month. My fiance, whom I have discussed this with extensively, is divorced. His ex-wife is still "friends" with all of his friends in the sense that his friends talk to her every now and then. Thankfully, the ex is moving away (FAR away) in the next few weeks with the man she left my fiance for. He's over the whole divorce, and really changed as a person (and very much for the better) because of it, and became the man I'm in love with. This is all great.
However, she pops up EVERYwhere. I mean, I'm already a bit down about the wedding because, well, it's been done before. He's seen a woman he loves walk down the aisle in a pretty ridiculous white get up and said vows to her. Yeah, that didn't work out, and yeah, 99% of the time I'm beyond excited about our upcoming wedding, but it still stings my heart just a bit that it's been done before. Maybe that affects how I feel about her popping up.
But when we're around his friends, they discuss her, despite repeated efforts to end those lines of conversation. There are pictures on facebook of the happy couple (not his, he got rid of all that stuff), and she's tagged with his last name, which she no longer has. Until he untagged himself, you could click on photos of him and pictures of the two of them as a married couple popped up. That just doesn't sit right with me. It really doesn't sit right with me at all that no matter where I turn, there she is. A photo, a conversation, wherever.
His friends discuss he and I with her. We were in Atlanta for a joint bachelor/bachelorette party this past weekend, which was an amazing gesture and a really good time, and she was brought up. At the party for us, pretty closely related to our wedding. One friend even commented that "she knows what we're all doing here in Atlanta this weekend, we talked about it." I get that they were married and a whole bunch of stuff happened in the past and they were so in love, blah blah blah, but am I being completely irrational when I request that it just not be brought up around me? Is it equally irrational to not want to be brought up to her? I can't stand her, but I also can't imagine she's that fond of hearing about me either.
I didn't date much before I met my fiance, and I've never really even known anyone my age who is divorced, most are single or still in their relationships. Thankfully there are no children involved. Basically, am I just stuck with her the rest of our life together? Even though they divorced and both have moved on, apart, and away, is this just how things work, that the past can't just stay where it is and out of my present?
HE needs to tell his friends in no uncertain terms that they are divorced and he would appreciate it if they neither talked to her about you/him, nor about her in the presence of either of you.
as far as the fact he has been married before bothering you some, that is really nothing to worry about. YOU are comparing yourself and your relationship to theirs and until you stop things like that will continue to bother you. do you think about that "they" have done this before when having sex? this is the same basic thing, you are worrying about the past. maybe this is partially why his friends mention her so much, it could be that you are doing it often enough to make them think it is ok.
maybe this is partially why his friends mention her so much, it could be that you are doing it often enough to make them think it is ok.
I actually worried that this could be an issue, so I've literally never said her name in their presence. I'm not terribly close to any of them, so there really hasn't been an occasion, nor would I want to discuss something so negative with people I'm trying to get know. I don't even like discussing her with my fiance.
do you think about that "they" have done this before when having sex?
Since we sleep on their old bed, um, yeah, unfortunately, but only like twice since we've been together. I don't make a regular habit of just grossing myself out.
Unfortunately many of us have a past, some past husbands, others just past relationships. You can never obliterate them from your current loves life. It just doesn't work that way.
I understand completely how annoying it can be to have the ex'es aura surrounding you, but it's just something you live with. Eventually they fade into the background as you start building a new life.
Good luck with your upcoming wedding, I hope it goes well and you have a wonderful day.
My first thought is do not get married if you are not sure. Beyond that I think Djuna nailed it. Absolutely lose the bed or at least give it a new home in a guest bedroom. The marital bed is something that should carry no memories other than the ones you made together.
My first thought is do not get married if you are not sure. Beyond that I think Djuna nailed it. Absolutely lose the bed or at least give it a new home in a guest bedroom. The marital bed is something that should carry no memories other than the ones you made together.
At least I know for sure I'm not nuts for hating that thing.
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