Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Always play the middle and give them information separately. That way they both think they know what you’re doing and where you're going. Who said movies like A Fist Full of Dollars aren't educational?
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 19,999,259 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains
Unhappy parents don't tend to raise happy, emotionally healthy children .
My thoughts exactly. I couldn't stand seeing my parents unhappy. I often wished they'd just end it (the marriage) rather than stay and torture each other.
Unhappy parents don't tend to raise happy, emotionally healthy children .
I disagree. You can learn a lot about relationships from parents who work theirs out rather than destroy a family. It's not about mom or dad's happiness once you have kids. That bed is made. Believe it or not, parents can be adult about the situation and agree to get along for the sake of the kids. Honestly, there are plenty of years left to do what you want when they're grown.
If parents are wallowing in unhappiness and self pity, there is something wrong with that parent and they aren't going to raise emotionally healthy children by divorcing either. That just teaches the kids if things don't go your way, leave. Why do you think children of divorce are so much more likely to get divorced than children whose parents never divorced? It's because they learn by example that when the going gets tough, you leave.
You have to think about what you're teaching your kids if you're leaving for a petty reason like you're just not happy in the marriage anymore. You made a vow. Stand by it. Show your kids how to work on a relationship. How to be an adult about the situation.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 19,999,259 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
I disagree. You can learn a lot about relationships from parents who work theirs out rather than destroy a family. It's not about mom or dad's happiness once you have kids. That bed is made. Believe it or not, parents can be adult about the situation and agree to get along for the sake of the kids. Honestly, there are plenty of years left to do what you want when they're grown.
If parents are wallowing in unhappiness and self pity, there is something wrong with that parent and they aren't going to raise emotionally healthy children by divorcing either. That just teaches the kids if things don't go your way, leave. Why do you think children of divorce are so much more likely to get divorced than children whose parents never divorced? It's because they learn by example that when the going gets tough, you leave.
You have to think about what you're teaching your kids if you're leaving for a petty reason like you're just not happy in the marriage anymore. You made a vow. Stand by it. Show your kids how to work on a relationship. How to be an adult about the situation.
Parents are only human, they're entitled to have 'something wrong with them'. Not every problem can be fixed by posing as a family when you're as far apart as strangers.
Parents are only human, they're entitled to have 'something wrong with them'. Not every problem can be fixed by posing as a family when you're as far apart as strangers.
You don't have to "fix" the problem. Just learn how to be adults and get along. You don't have to fight. You don't have to wallow in self pity. There are other options. We're talking about doing something difficult for a short time until your kids are raised.
My experience in life is that people who think SOMETHING will make them happy end up just as miserable once they have the SOMETHING they were sure would make them happy. People, situations, things...don't make us happy. As my grandmother was fond of saying "Happiness is a choice". You can choose to be happy where you are. Grass is greener syndrome usually doesn't work out. Why do you think second marriages are more likely to fail than first marriages?
I've watched too many people leave only to end up just as miserable as they were before a year later because they never fixed that made them miserable in the first place. If you think something outside of yourself is what will fix you feeling miserable, you're mistaken. That power is within and you don't need to change your situation to access it.
Grandma was right. "Happiness is a choice". Some of the happiest people I've known lived in situations that most of us would consider miserable.
If I was still a teenager, and was living at home having to watch abuse, neglect, etc..happening to my other parent, then yes. I would like for them to get away from each other.
From a teenagers perspective, if you knew one of your parents was neglected and unhappy in the marriage to your other parent and wanted out, would you hold it against them? Or would you support whatever decision they made? Wouldn't you want them to be happy, even if it meant splitting up? Elaborate, please.
When I was in high school, my parents would have terrible fights about work. My dad had a couple of small furniture stores and my mom worked for him as a head manager and also did many other duties including doing the artwork for their ads. The store's logo was her handwriting. She was his top salesperson. And my dad used her as the heavy when he wanted to fire someone. I wish that she could have worked for another company but then again, my dad's company really needed her skills.
Anyway, the fights very were stressful to listen to. I was amazed that my dad didn't want a divorce as she was the more verbal and emotional one in their fights. My sisters and I would have been fine with a divorce since that would have made all the fighting stop.Throughout the fighting, there was never any question that our parents loved us all a lot.
My boyfriend's parents divorced when he was in high school. His dad was an abusive (both verbally and physically) alcoholic. There were a few nights of the rest of the family sleeping at a womens shelter. His mom took out a restraining order that is still active. The children were very relieved and happy with the divorce. My boyfriend and his sisters have a very strained relationship with their dad. Part of that is because he never acknowledged his problem and never apologized for his behaviour. His dad's second wife died suddenly in her sleep after two years of marriage. The marriage was so short-lived that it was a happy one. His third marriage is starting to get a bit strained. It's been almost three years and the honeymoon period is over. They both drink. Her first husband was an alcoholic and she divorced him over it. She's very wealthy so he has an incentive to keep on his best behaviour. He's nicer to her children than he is to his own.
As to the long term effects of our parents divorcing, I think that it made both of us a bit cynical about marriage. The good parts are that when we do get into a conflict, we don't let it get out of control, if the topic is too hot, we will stop the discussion and return to it when the emotions are less heated. We also never go to bed still mad at each other. I know that I am careful to never say anything too hurtful as things once said, cant't be unsaid/unheard. And even the best apology can't really undo the hurt of cutting words. And we also are very moderate in our drinking habits. He doesn't want to become an alcoholic. And alcohol does make a fight much worse.
Another lesson learned from my parents is that running a business with your s/o is not always a good thing for the health of the relationship.
So we are trying to learn from our parents' mistakes and missteps. We know that they are only humans, and humans aren't perfect.
Last edited by miu; 04-24-2009 at 09:45 PM..
Reason: Added another thought.
From a teenagers perspective, if you knew one of your parents was neglected and unhappy in the marriage to your other parent and wanted out, would you hold it against them? Or would you support whatever decision they made? Wouldn't you want them to be happy, even if it meant splitting up? Elaborate, please.
I would not have held it against them.
one other thing I do know, though, was knowing that they had a lifetime commitment to each other and would always stand by that commitment, had a great deal to do with the sense of stability I had as a kid.
My thoughts exactly. I couldn't stand seeing my parents unhappy. I often wished they'd just end it (the marriage) rather than stay and torture each other.
Right. I think it takes a much STRONGER person to take the steps to leave and remove themselves and their children from an unhealthy situation than it does to stay and grin and bear it.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 19,999,259 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains
Right. I think it takes a much STRONGER person to take the steps to leave and remove themselves and their children from an unhealthy situation than it does to stay and grin and bear it.
Isn't that the truth! Too many people stuff and ignore their pain rather than do something about it and they're miserable for it. Marriage isn't perfect, people aren't perfect, parents aren't invincible and immune to mistakes, let them be happy and realize everything isn't about you as a teenager. That's how I looked at it when I was a teen.
ETA: Cross out invincible, I meant to say aren't infallible.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
.
