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I'm 30 years old, a single mother of 2, and the dreaded "middle child" in my family. I'm probably closest to my parents but not very close to my siblings. It isn't that we don't get along, but I don't include them in my list of people I go to for support or that I confide in.
For as long as I can remember, I've been the peacemaker in the family. The supportive one, the "help me fix all my problems" one. A few years ago I started talking about moving out of state. Everyone talked me out of it. My older brother moved away about 5 years ago; and while it was tough, it was manageable. Then this year my parents moved. I was a little upset at first but understood because we've all expressed dissatisfaction with this city.
In the past year, I decided for sure that I'm moving summer of 2010 and my parents moving away helped solidify it. They provided a lot of help with the kids and I knew I missed them most; so once they moved I felt "I could do it" now.
Also over the last year, I've formed some very close relationships with childhood friends from my home town (Chicago) and the man in my life is there too. He and I are getting serious and are both looking forward to the move next May.
My sister and her husband have separated and now she is talking about "us" moving back to Chicago next year. All the while trying to convince me that "we" should move south or to the west coast. I'm SO agitated by this! Honestly, I am looking forward to a little physical space and my sister and I really are not close at all.
Am I being a brat in feeling like this is "my" move?? That I want this for myself not to be her crutch while she moves on from this separation (from a man that has moved out at least a dozen times during their less than 4 year marriage and who she describes as more of a roommate). I'm tired of explaining why I'm NOT moving south or west. I'm tired of the talk as if my relationship is non existent. Is it me, them, or both??
You're an adult. You do what is best for you and what makes you happy. Go ahead and place some distance between you and your sister, if that is what you need. If that makes you a brat, you're not alone. Seems to me like you've made sacrifices for your family; is not an entitlement on their end.
Don't let anyone drag you down or guilt you into doing anything you don't want to. Life is too short and if your relationship isnt that good to begin with DON'T move closer! DON'T FEEL BAD- just do want you need to do- you are sacrificing your happniess!
it doesnt sound like it's you....i think your sister is afraid to do this on her own, so she wants your support. i say move to where YOU want to move. sounds like you already have your plan and a circle of freinds waiting for you. your sister needs to do what is best for her---but she needs to figure that part out for herself.
Go where you want to. Your siblings have already caused you to place your life on hold once, don't let them do it again. If your sister needs a crutch to lean on, let her move to Chicago, or whereever your parents moved to.
maybe you are the only person your sister has to lean on during this painful time in her life? I think that having family to go to in times like that is very important, are you sure it would be so awful to have her move with you? of course, I would move where you want to, when you want to, and if she wanted to come to (separately) then so be it...I would not let her influence your decision of where and when.
I'm 30 years old, a single mother of 2, and the dreaded "middle child" in my family. I'm probably closest to my parents but not very close to my siblings. It isn't that we don't get along, but I don't include them in my list of people I go to for support or that I confide in.
For as long as I can remember, I've been the peacemaker in the family. The supportive one, the "help me fix all my problems" one. A few years ago I started talking about moving out of state. Everyone talked me out of it. My older brother moved away about 5 years ago; and while it was tough, it was manageable. Then this year my parents moved. I was a little upset at first but understood because we've all expressed dissatisfaction with this city.
In the past year, I decided for sure that I'm moving summer of 2010 and my parents moving away helped solidify it. They provided a lot of help with the kids and I knew I missed them most; so once they moved I felt "I could do it" now.
Also over the last year, I've formed some very close relationships with childhood friends from my home town (Chicago) and the man in my life is there too. He and I are getting serious and are both looking forward to the move next May.
My sister and her husband have separated and now she is talking about "us" moving back to Chicago next year. All the while trying to convince me that "we" should move south or to the west coast. I'm SO agitated by this! Honestly, I am looking forward to a little physical space and my sister and I really are not close at all.
Am I being a brat in feeling like this is "my" move?? That I want this for myself not to be her crutch while she moves on from this separation (from a man that has moved out at least a dozen times during their less than 4 year marriage and who she describes as more of a roommate). I'm tired of explaining why I'm NOT moving south or west. I'm tired of the talk as if my relationship is non existent. Is it me, them, or both??
I like you.
I don't know why. This is the first time I read your posts.
Anyways, I think you are not a brat. I think you need to do what is best for you and your children.
I too wanted to move for the most part and alot of the fam were convincing me otherwise. I didn't like that considering other sibs moved away and it wasn't an issue.
I would rather not see you get involved with your sister's 4 year spat with the boy-man husband of her's.
You have to stand up for yourself and say, "I'm not doing that."
I don't know why. This is the first time I read your posts.
Anyways, I think you are not a brat. I think you need to do what is best for you and your children.
I too wanted to move for the most part and alot of the fam were convincing me otherwise. I didn't like that considering other sibs moved away and it wasn't an issue.
I would rather not see you get involved with your sister's 4 year spat with the boy-man husband of her's.
You have to stand up for yourself and say, "I'm not doing that."
I totally agree with Funymann here. You can't always be the one that everyone runs too. It will make you crazy! I'm not the middle child, but I was in a very similar situation with my parents, and OLDEST sister (who is almost 50 yrs old). I was the one that always had to make all the decisions, schedule doctor's appointments for my mother, take time off work to get her there, I was the baby, but I was also the only grown up. I HATED it! I love them all, but I had to remove myself from that situation.
Do what is best for YOU and what will make YOU HAPPY. Don't feel like you're being a selfish brat...and so what if you are...we all have to be a little selfish once in a while. It'll be ok.
Just want to add my thumbs up to the others who advise you to do what's best for you and your children. Your younger sister has made her own choices and is old enough to make her own decisions and stand on her own two feet. Of course she's justifiably nervous about going out on her own but she shouldn't expect to rely on you as her prop. Obviously you have your hands full being a single mother and, from what you say, you've done more than your fair share where family is concerned.
And, if you did succumb to her suggestion about the two of you moving elsewhere together, what's to say that she won't get back with the husband and leave you floundering? You say he's moved out before and come back (which she's obviously gone along with) so it's a fair bet the cycle will continue until she sorts out that mess ...
In my opinion you're not being a brat at all. When she brings it up again just tell her nicely that of course you'll always be there for her but that you've made your decision to move to Chicago and you're looking forward to moving ahead to a new life. Assure her that you're never far away via telephone, email, etc. but that it's time for both she and you to grow up and forge your own lives and that moving with her to the South or to the West Coast isn't going to happen.
I have an analogy to relate. For many years I blamed my mother for the mistakes that I made when I left home and went out on my own. Suffice it to say that it's a VERY long story but the crux came for me when I was about your age and was on the 'phone with my brother in England. Sorting out our mother's psychological bent has always resulted in enigma and always bothered me. My brother interrupted me and said, "Look, we know that our mother was and is peculiar but you're over 30 now and it's time you stopped blaming HER for what's happened to you because you're a grown woman now and are responsible for your own actions."
It was a momentary kick in the teeth and in the gut but my brother was absolutely correct.
Good luck and I hope the projected move works out well for you and your children and that the relationship with the man in the wings in Chicago works out too. Would love to hear the outcome! Cheers!
Wow! Thanks to everyone who responded. I appreciate that you were all willing to dig a little deep. It helps greatly. And my BF is hugely supportive but we have very different family structures and sometimes I feel like he just doesn't "get it"
Just to clarify, my sister is older. Her and my older brother are barely a year apart and always felt like "one" in a sense. I have a younger brother who I really only see if there's a family function. My sis is 35, with 4 kids, and a host of drama. I swear I've just had my fill of "woe is me" drama queen antics. I let her and the kids live with me the last time her and husband had drama. Cancelled a trip to see my BF to take her car shopping when the husband left with their only vehicle. Takes her kids to doctor's appointments. This sort of "stuff"
Sorry...I'm ranting. I know I've been taken advantage of here and there and I'm just ready for a new version of me. 30 seems so appropriate for this transformation.
Again, thanks all! I'm SO excited about the move. (Not so quietly) counting down!
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