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I have been seeing a young man for almost 4 years-when I say young, I mean, sixteen years younger than me. I have learned a great deal about him in that time and a lot of things that I didn't know came out. For the first seven months that I knew him, I was so happy, (they say ignorance is bliss), well, after seven months, I broke up with him because he had went out for the weekend without me and my feelings were hurt, it felt like he just wanted my car, because I had made it very clear to him that he couldn' t keep my car for the entire weekend.
When he showed up Monday morning with the keys, he had a pack of cigarettes, I used to smoke, and buying me cigarettes was something he said he would never do, so it seemed arrogant as hell that he thought he could just bring me a pack of cigs and everything would be alright. Well I cried for almost three months, I didn't a word from him that entire time, then I was leaving out of my parking lot and he was driving by, we saw one another at the same time. When I saw him, I said to myself, out loud, there he is and I felt my stomach flip, I knew I still loved him at that moment. He did a double take when he saw me. He kept on down the street, and when I pulled out into traffic, I was afraid to pull up beside him, and when he turned off, I was going to follow, but, I chickened out, he doubled back and came up behind me, he never blew the horn, never waved to me, just pulled up behind me, so when the light changed I pulled over, he waited for the next light, I now know that he waited to make sure that I was going to stop, so he wouldn't be rejected or look anxious. He got out of the car, and stood outside the drivers' side we made small talk, and then he sad, "I just had a son, I'm not with his mother." It's funny, I wasn't even surprised when he told me, because I knew he wanted kids, he had told me early on, and doing the math, he slept with both of us within three weeks of one another, his son was born exactly ten months from the day we met, I was just as clear that I didnt want kids. At that point, the realization that he obviously had been lying to me all this time, or as he put it, omitted the fact that there was someone out there didn't even bother me. He was on his way to take his baby mamas' check to the bank then.
Now, I figured there was someone out there, he was twenty-eight years old, very handsome, a body to die for (he had just gotten out of prison), he was hitting something, and for the simple fact that I was never invited to his home, even though he was supposedly living with a gay uncle. We spent the night together that night and had a good talk. He told me that he didn't want his son to grow up like him, with no fatherm, he wanted to be there for his son, I respected that, but I told him that i didn't want any baby mama drama. After that night, it was three weeks before I heard from him again, he wanted to see me, now he was living with his baby mama, maybe he had been the whole time, I don't know, anyway, we just talked, hung out, this went on for three weeks, we see each other when he calls me, always on a Thursday. The third time we saw each other, I told him that I still loved him, that three months or a baby (i thought) hadn't changed that. We started seeing each other again regularly after that, fell back into our routine. He would have my car most of the time so that we could see each other more, he would take me to work in the morning, and pick me up in the evening, then we would be together as much as we could, then he would go home to her and his son at night, most of the time. During those three weeks that we didn't see each other, I should really have thought about how him having a child and a babys' mama in his life were going to affect me. So after about four months of this, it began to be more than I could handle emotionlly, I mean, I'm in love with this guy right? Now instead of the single (available) man with no kids, that I had known and been joined at the hip with and completely happy with for seven months was gone, to be replaced by a man who was living with a woman whom he had obviously had a realationship with and was a father!
One day I had to ask my ex-'s mother or money, evidently this was something that made my boyfriend feel insecure, so he proceeded to make me feel that way by telling me that he was going to go home and make dnner for him and his family. That's when it hit home that no matter how much time he spends with me, at the end of the day he is going home to another woman. Initially I told him that I needed some time, that this was really hard for me to deal with the fact that now he has children, (they had another child fifteen months later), something that I felt very strongly about, not dating a guy with children (young children), this was a major point for me and a woman that he is living with, a woman he lied about for a year. He didn't want to accept that, and we had a huge fight! After three weeks of talking, I agreed to see him, we had a perfect night and I was ready to try it again, there were things that happened, things I found out that caused me concern, but, I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.
What I can say for now, is she knows about me, she knows that he has been seeing me from almost the moment he started back to seeing her, which was four months prior to meeting me, when he first got out of jail. Theyve known one another for most of their lives, she has always been there, sort of like a friend with benefits, and when he got of jail, she stepped right up again, she put clothes on his back, pays his cell phone bill, she supports him totally. Sometimes I feel guilty, but, he says that he has told her that just because they have kids together doesn't mean that he is not entitled to his own lif.e, that as long as he is there for his kids, (he watches them while she works), that she has nothing to do with the rest of his life. I know that she knows about me, and has known that he's been seeing someone all along, because he has been driving my car even before he started living with her, before the baby, I even let him take her to appointments, pick the kids up from daycare, things that I do, that I'm not sure I even want to be doing, that I'm not currently doing because I began to feel like I didn't have any control over my life anymore trying to help him get control over his. He and I fight sometimes just because I get up with him for being so selfish, for acting like some kind of puppeteer with not only my life, but, hers, because he knew that he didn't want to be with her, but, he wanted kids, and he knew that she wanted him, and he wanted me. It was just so manipulative and self serving. He defends how he did what he did to the death, he says he had to wait until I had "feelin gs" for him before he told me the truth. He said that he knew if I knew about her, I would never have gotten involved with him. Maybe, maybe not, that's why it was selfish, and cowardly at the same time to do it like that, to not be honest with her or me, just to get what he wants! The thing is, the day we met, it was obvious that he was much younger than me, and when I asked him how old he was, he said, "I'm twenty-eight, but, I don't think it matters. This drew me right in, he seemed confident, when in reality, he was just the opposite. I told him that I was seeing someone, why, because I knew right away that I was interested in him. My logic is this; we just met, nothing to hide, so if there was somebody, (even it wasn't serious), now is the time to say, the fact that he didn't not only demonstrated his immaturity but, that he was deathly afraid of being rejected. I have since learned alot more about his personality, he is depressed, has feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, he's narcissistic, just a hard person to be around because he is unhappy. I sometimes wonder if I really love him or is it something else, how can i know?
Last edited by cornfdgirl; 11-18-2009 at 03:09 PM..
I know this may sound like a strange request, but you still have plenty of time to use the edit feature, and it would be SO much easier to read this if you would separate it into paragraphs. Thanks!
I'm so sorry that you've been manipulated and lied to so much by this man that you can't see what's right in front of your face. This man is a user. He's got another woman on the side, he has a baby, he uses your car, lies to you, csees you when it's convenient, and always does what is best for himself. The best thing you could do for yourself is to distance yourself from this man and get on with your life. A relationship built on lies and deceit will only bring you heartache. It's time for you to move on.
You get involved with someone who was in jail and you expect him to be a person of ethics, good morals and values? Also, the age difference is a bit weird, what makes you so interested in a man so much younger, maybe a need to control or manipulate him? It seems like your standards are not very high at all, I think you will have hard times making it work.
Two women, and he can choose which one he wants anytime he wants. Two women to support him, one gives him a house, the other a car, anytime he wants. He's sitting back, living the good life, while you two act like two sixteen year old girls fighting over the hot jock.
Really now..
He is not depressed, he doesn't have feelings of worthlessness, or insecurity or any of that crap. He's playing you like a pro. He's telling you everything that you want to hear, just so that he can have his way with you. Thing is, you're taking it all in like candy.
You deserve better than that. I mean, hell, the guy is using you. If you sit back and look at things objectively, you'll see that as well. It's obvious, and I don't even know the dude.
Look, it's time to move on. Period. Most of what you know about him is a lie. You've become so wrapped up in his world that you believe anything, just because he makes it sound like truth.
It's time for you to find your own life. Without him. You don't deserve to be treated like that.
You get involved with someone who was in jail and you expect him to be a person of ethics, good morals and values? Also, the age difference is a bit weird, what makes you so interested in a man so much younger, maybe a need to control or manipulate him? It seems like your standards are not very high at all, I think you will have hard times making it work.
Let me interject something here real quick: Just because someone has been in jail does not mean that they don't have ethics, good morals, and values. It just means that that person made a big mistake, and has to pay the price for that mistake.
It's better to get to know the person for who they are, rather than who they were. Everyone makes mistakes, just some are bigger than others.
uummmmm, so, let me get this right, although originally you were exclusive, but he lied to you, you re-united, and basically had an affair with him knowingly.
how many affairs end in true happiness ?
you broke up after 7 months because he went out for the weekend without you ? sounds a little strange.
i notice you say you "let" him take her to appointments etc. well, that's very gracious of you, i'm sure he appreciates that.
maybe when he's with you, you "let" him stay up late to watch the movie.
maybe it's just an inappropriate use of the word, but it sounds like control to me. you guys aren't married, you don't even live together, how could you even have the right to stop him going to appointments ??
he tells you that the other woman means nothing to him.
yeah ?
like if he got caught with you, he'd tell her " she means nothing to me, babe"
sounds like you got sucked in. let it go, and put it down to experience.
IMHO it sounds like he's a user, and you plainly want more from this relationship than this guy is going to ever offer you.
Thanks for the paragraphs! It made it much easier on the eyes!
That said, it was very sad to read. My conclusion is that you should seek out some counseling so you can figure out why you put yourself in this position, why you allowed it to escalate the way it did, why you let yourself get so wrung out over him, and how you can develop better self esteem so you can avoid this kind of thing in the future.
I think DYSFUNCTIONAL pretty much defines this thread in its entirety, not much left to say here!
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