Ladies, how would this comment make you feel?

[cricket_factor]

I'd be quietly and quickly packing my bags. Don't have to hear that one twice.

[akorosdc]

Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate

I think we can all agree on what she should do. But the question is, how do you think you would feel at that moment? Whether you would actually be in that situation or not isn't really what I'm after.

It would depend on what state of mind I was in (i.e. if I already realized he was abusive or not), but to be completely honest, I'd most likely feel bad and wonder what I was doing wrong. That's why I've always been terrified that I'd land myself in an emotionally abusive relationship. I'm easily guilt-able, and will always doubt myself before others until I notice an abusive/manipulative pattern. Physical abuse is more obvious, but I could see myself not "seeing" emotionally or psychologically abusive/manipulative behavior for years.

Now if this was a friend of mine, I'd move her out and wage a war.

[moonlitwishes]

Originally Posted by moonshadow
Yes, that's it.

He would rant, rave, break things, get violent and the other me was so beaten and exhausted and utterly mystified that she would let it wash over her and even sit there trying to see his point of view just for some peace & quiet.
His efforts were actually starting to change who I was. A lot of what he said didn't even register in the moment and in the moment I would lose my stronger, rational inner voice (Super Moonie) and just kind of be this insipid creature that even I despised. In hindsight I know it was my fight/flight response kicking in to overdrive.
Initially when these things were going on it was just a huge head ****, like he peeled open my brain and opened up a portal to another dimension that I didn't even know existed, let alone want to go to. AND because I felt like he was figuratively (as well as physically) giving me head trauma I mentally retreated into a walking coma or something. There was no outrage or anger or plotting just complete and utter confusion. Both at myself and what I was doing wrong and with him for being so unhappy and completely enraged with me. When he was angry he was dangerous, very dangerous and I knew that he might become so enraged that he completely lost it and I ended up another face on the front page of the paper.

Then eventually after an incident when I could get away and think, I would be angry with myself for not being instantly offended and outraged at what was happening. Although, I initially did try to match his rage (not physically but verbally. Difficult to explain it was so animalistic) but I came off second best there, so perhaps that stuck with me as a how-not-to resolve this? It upset me and terrified me because those were not things that went through my head in the moment. I felt like by NOT instantly jumping to my own defence that I was teetering on the brink of finding the abhorent behaviour acceptable and that my silence or inability to find the right way to speak up was tacit agreement that this was ok.

Eventually, as I worked my way through it in my time away from him (ie on the way home or to work in the car) I started to look back and get my delayed outrage and eventually while he was on a rant, although I wouldn't actually speak out loud, Super Moonie would hear and acknowledge the things he said and did and help me play dead long enough to get through it. MY face and body language and eye contact would be totally passive and non-threatening but in my head I was beating the crap out of him (for all the good that would do ) AND she would cheer me on and plot my escape and challenge every stupid, evil and nasty thing that came out of his mouth. In other words Super Moonie was my defiance.

It's weird trying to explain it PTC because I really feel like in those times I was two very distinctive split personalities. The one who had to glaze over and just get through it, who just let it all unfold around her and the one screaming silently in the background and plotting to get through it and then away. I can remember a lightbulb moment where I realized that if I didn't step back from the edge of the abyss (him and the life he had all worked out for us) that I would go over it and I would completely morph into this person I didn't know or like that he wanted me to be.
Even now I just feel like I came so very close to the edge.

Bleh. I feel like I just opened a can of rotten tomatoes and they're rancid and making my stomach churn AND I can't read OR comunicate effectively because the label is in swahili or something.

YOU said it PERFECTLY!! Thank you for being able to articulate it better than I could!! My secret "defiant personality" that emerged plotted how to get away b/c he would always find me b/c he knew everyone I knew. I waited until he went out-of-state fo a visit with a family member (where he intended us to move) I left and went somewhere he had not been and didn't know about in relation to me pre-him!! Sometimes dual personalities have marvelous ideas!