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When you are hooking up with someone you met after two pints of beer and 4 shots of tequila, you'd be surprised at what simple little things people forget.
I'd love to transport a good number of people on this thread to a Marriott or Hilton hotel bar one night when a large convention is in town. Folks seem to have no idea how badly married business suits act when they are bored and lubed up with a little liquor.
I have been straight out asked, "Would you like to come back to my room and f--- me?" several times a year, usually by someone who is intoxicated.
Hey..I 100% agree with you...a lot of women are just really naive.
I've seen women who thought they had the happiest marriage ever...while their husbands lead a completely separate life behind their backs.
In my opinion, you usually don't get caught after the first time doing anything...he admitted to the particular incident he got busted for.
Never stay in a marriage "for the kids"...you damage kids that way, I know from personal experience.
Spoken like someone who doesn't have young children
Sorry my friend, but you are not grasping the gravity of having young kids and needing to work and go back to school to survive. This has nothing to do with "ego" - it's all economics.
How does a young mother who needs a good job and needs to get a good education before she can get that good job support herself while working to afford to go to school in the first place? How does she afford day care on such limited finances? And I'm happy for you that you would be willing to live in section 8 housing, but I'd never purposely choose to put my kids into that situation. It's not about not being humble, it's about being a good mother.
And a good mother takes her time to thoughtfully consider ALL her options and the consequences and ramifications of choosing each option to her children. Now, if Megan's husband has cheated like Tiger Woods, that's one thing - but as far as we know he's had 1 one night stand. She should most definitely NOT throw her whole family under the bus at this moment over that.
First of all, most school have free child care. Secondly, most states have an assistance program for parents who are trying to go back to school while raising their children. It is purely about ego. People want to look down on someone who needs help. Right now, with companies laying off thousands of people most of us are one paycheck away from financial ruin. Are you going to let your children starve while the food stamps your tax dollars pay for sit within your reach?
Lots of single parents work, go to school and raise their children. This system is not designed for the mommy stays at home lifestyle. Very few people live that way.
Finances are the most ridiculous argument to stay in an unhappy relaltionship. None of us are guaranteed our jobs tomorrow.
I grew up middle income and now I am upper income. My parents were unhappy and mother could not wait to get a divorce. She made the decision to wait until her children were grown. I don't know who I would be today if circumstances were different, but statistically speaking I would have been in a much lower income household were I raised by a single mother. And statistically speaking I would not have gone to to a college and would not be upper income today. That's just the way it is. I don't want to knock single moms, but the facts are the facts.
My sister and I were raised by a single mother in a poor household (not lower income - borderline homeless poor) and we BOTH have college educations. I live a middle class lifestyle and my sister enjoys an upper income lifestyle. The income bracket you grow up in does not determine your adult income bracket. America doesn't have a caste system where a person is stuck where they grow up. If you work hard, you can achieve more than your parents. It's a matter of what values your parent(s) teach you.
For the OP to not consider this as one of many factors in determining what to do about her marriage would be ridiculous.
By the by, I don't know why you are fighting the notion that your opinion will shift over time... I'll bet you have a lot of opinions at your age now which contradict what you believed when you were 20. That's a good thing, experience changes personal perspective as well it should. When I'm 50 I hope I've learned a thing or two I don't know today. That's called personal growth. Don't fight it.
You should try the looking ar life beyond my personal experience personal growth. Accepting that there are other successful lifestyles besides your own is a great eye opener.
First of all, most school have free child care. Secondly, most states have an assistance program for parents who are trying to go back to school while raising their children. It is purely about ego. People want to look down on someone who needs help. Right now, with companies laying off thousands of people most of us are one paycheck away from financial ruin. Are you going to let your children starve while the food stamps your tax dollars pay for sit within your reach?
Lots of single parents work, go to school and raise their children. This system is not designed for the mommy stays at home lifestyle. Very few people live that way.
Finances are the most ridiculous argument to stay in an unhappy relaltionship. None of us are guaranteed our jobs tomorrow.
Please don't misunderstand, I'm not advocating staying in a bad marriage for any reason
All along in this thread my real point has been that this whole thing just happened to Megan about 15 minutes ago - she just needs time to sort her feelings out and figure out where she goes from here. Knee jerk reactions aren't usually the best reactions.
I'm not sure what the lesson is to be learned from your post. You made two extremely bad choices in men, sent your finances into a shambles due to making a bad decision; fortunately your children appear to be doing well.
Is it "throw caution to the wind, be self-indulgent... it will all work out in the end"? Is that your advice to a woman considering divorce?
My advice to a woman considering divorce, after my experience with it, is look out for herself first, so she can take care of her children, if there are children involved.
People making all the right moves can end up with nothing just as easy as those who didn't. This is not the world of the gold watch that you stayed with the same company for....this world is totally volatile & eruptive. Nothing works like it used to & may never again.
However, the only person that can change their life is themself.
Oh, and may I add, I had no idea what kind of secret life, my xhusband was leading at the hospital. As far as I was concerned, I had the "perfect" life; oh well, you live & you learn.
Do you know how many rich kids are screwed up basket cases? Money does not raise a happy healthy child. Happy, healthy parents do that. And the idea that for the sake of money you'd allow your children to live in an unhappy household saddens me greatly and I feel very sorry for any child raised that way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CESpeed
You should try the looking ar life beyond my personal experience personal growth. Accepting that there are other successful lifestyles besides your own is a great eye opener.
Look you have to stop making this thread about you, and remind yourself that this thread is about the OP. I don't know what is the right thing for her, but as she is contemplating a divorce, she needs to consider the financial aspect. She might dismiss it, she might embrace it, but she needs to consider it as a part of her decision making process. The statistics are what they are, they are real, and they must be considered. If upon consideration she agrees with your viewpoint, then fine, so long as she has made an informed decision.
To advocate that a person ignores all of the negatives in a situation is to advocate that she hurt herself. To claim that a woman need not worry about having the ability to put food in her childrens mouths because "hey, it's only money" is ridiculous. It's all well and good to post all of these opinions saying she can stay or go, but so far as we know this is a real person with a real family and this is a serious f-ing situation. She needs to consider every angle she can, so why don't stop making it about you and allow an alternate viewpoint? Get your ego in check.
Please don't misunderstand, I'm not advocating staying in a bad marriage for any reason
All along in this thread my real point has been that this whole thing just happened to Megan about 15 minutes ago - she just needs time to sort her feelings out and figure out where she goes from here. Knee jerk reactions aren't usually the best reactions.
You are absolutely right; knee jerk reactions rarely work out well. Time does a lot for one's perspective and yes everything should be considered. When my ex and I were preparing to split, I was terrified because I had been and SAHW for four years and now my financial future was now on me. Even if we'd had children, we still would have divorced.
In fact, if there had been children the marriage probably would have ended sooner because their needs would have to come first.
I view money as a tool. Others may view it differently.
If I lost all my money I would get it back because I am educated and I have a skill set which is highly desirable in a variety of business settings. Statistically speaking, I would not have this skill set had my parents divorced. (Furthermore, I probably would not have this skill set had I chosen to have children, but that's another discussion.)
One does not rise above statistics, one just falls into the majority or minority category of the numbers.
Statistics change don't they?
People never gain skill sets unless their parents paid for it ?
Its not just about money. Were you the girl that made fun of people with less than you or your friends did? How did your situation sculpt you emotionally for your future relationships with other people?
Do you find yourself ready to fight to defend faster and pop off your mouth sooner that communicate in a healthy manner ?
IE:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Onglet39
What on earth is wrong with you? I have said 5 times on this thread "I don't know what she should do." I don't know what is your agenda here, but you should take it elsewhere.
Get your ego in check.
Those are my final words to you on this thread.
How have your LTR been?
How do you feel about men and marriage in general? There are emotional tools just as well as financial. But you can't just flip those on like money. Your skill set can become useless just like anyone else. What would you do then?
Unfortunately, one of the biggest turn-offs for a man is a drastic weight gain on a woman. My observation and just talking to my male friends state that very specifically. Letting herself go is a big turn-off, not watching what she is eating, not exercising, all that will cause her to also feel insecure about herself, her body, and will cause all kind of insecurities in bed (like having sex with lights on). One of my big turn-offs is when a man doesn't take care of himself and eats junk.
Absolutely. My boyfriend cited her weight gain as one of the many reasons he split with his ex.
He gets seriously angry with me if I walk into the bedroom after he has just gotten out of the shower or is getting undressed, yet he gets doubly *****ed with me if I don't want to be intimate. It doesn't make much sense... I am not really "in the mood" to touch his body if he won't even let me see him naked.
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Even if we'd had children, we still would have divorced.
