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So, we're in our 3rd marriage (each). He, 2 divorces before. Me, a divorce then widowed. Now we are 5 years in this marriage and its all good. We are 60 years old and in good health. I have adult kids; he never had kids. He has a 97 year old mom and a 67 year old sister (both widows).
He doesn't have a will. If he died today intestate by our State rules, his mom & sister would get 50% of his estate (meaning 25% of our home). I haven't pushed this b/c I do have a will and I leave about 1/2 of my estate to my kids and about 1/2 to him. The value of my personal estate is somewhat more than his. Do I sound incredibly selfish if I ask him to write a will? Since I want to have my own kids as beneficiaries, I don't want it to seem like I'm not open to him having other beneficiaries than me. But c'mon.....his mom is 97!
I think you definitely need to bring up your kids when it comes to the will. Does he have a good relationship with your kids? I would definitely say something. However, I would be too proud to mention anything about him putting me on the will. If he doesn't think of it himself, than he doesn't really put too much value in your marriage.
I mean come on, his mother most likely will pass away in the next 5 years (God bless her soul), why does he have her in his will? Does she really need all the money?
I would mention the kids but say nothing about myself.
Your DH probably has probably just never given a thought about a will, which can be a difficult subject because people then have to face their own mortality. You might tell him that you are thinking about revising your will (doesn't mean that you are) and suggest that you both see an attorney to take care of this. Tell him that you will make the appointment and that he needs to be thinking of how he wants his estate to be divided. He has no obligation to include your kids, but you might suggest that he has charities, etc. that he would like to leave something to. Also, tell him your concerns about your home. If you purchased your home together, make sure that the deed is tenancy by the entirety. The attorney who does the will can help you with this also. Let him know how your will is divided and get a conversation going about expectations. I believe if you are married that you should have expectations in that regard. It's not selfish but it is self-preservation and there is nothing wrong with that.
If your goal were to simply have his wishes and intentions honored, that wouldn't be selfish.
But since all you talk about is how much money you aren't going to get out of him--yeah, that sounds pretty selfish.
Must admit there probably is a bit of selfishness going on. There's no reason to believe we both won't live into our 90's and sure do hope so...and definately think we'll be together forever. But, I was widowed before I re-married so I guess the reality of the business side of being widowed is on my mind sometimes. Since he doesn't have a will, his mother is 97, his sister is in very poor health and then there are just distant family members who he has no relationships with I do find the idea of being executor sometime 15 years away and writing checks to strangers as my own (and his by default) grandchildren are in college. Its selfish, I guess, so that's why I haven't brought up the topic and am airing it here......
Must admit there probably is a bit of selfishness going on. There's no reason to believe we both won't live into our 90's and sure do hope so...and definately think we'll be together forever. But, I was widowed before I re-married so I guess the reality of the business side of being widowed is on my mind sometimes. Since he doesn't have a will, his mother is 97, his sister is in very poor health and then there are just distant family members who he has no relationships with I do find the idea of being executor sometime 15 years away and writing checks to strangers as my own (and his by default) grandchildren are in college. Its selfish, I guess, so that's why I haven't brought up the topic and am airing it here......
Just a question, because you've only been married to him 5 years... Are you sure and do you expect that your children & grandchildren be beneficiaries of his estate as well?
Just a question, because you've only been married to him 5 years... Are you sure and do you expect that your children & grandchildren be beneficiaries of his estate as well?
I don't know what to "expect." He is fond of my kids. He listed my son as "next of kin" when we have traveled together internationally on visas. His mother is in good health but also not having any money issues and wouldn't change a thing in her lifestyle even if she won the lottery.
I don't think it is selfish or unreasonable at all to ask him about a will. However, one point that isn't clear to me is that you state that your estate is larger than his. If his demise would not put you into some sort of dire financial situation, would it matter if half goes to his sister and mother?
If it really would not affect you, then even though it isn't selfish to expect to be in his will, then you might want to ask yourself whether the principle of the thing is worth the potential trouble/embarrassment of asking him about it.
I'm a much younger, childless second wife. My husband has grown children my age. We have a will making each other the beneficiary and his children are not in the will because they are very, very, very well off. However, that doesn't mean that I won't be giving them anything of their father's. There are things that might have some sentimental value to them that I intend to pass along to them, but our estate would be like giving Bill Gates $25.
Having a will makes sense and it's something that many people put off doing because they don't like to think about dying. Without one, the state will divide up the estate according to state laws, as you said.
But I'm thinking that he might be putting it off because you've only been married for five years and he's been through two divorces. He might think it's too soon to be making you the sole or primary beneficiary and wants to wait and see. That's not to say he doesn't think y'all have a good relationship and everything -- it's just that two divorces can make a person jaded. I think I'd tread lightly on this for a while.
Thanks Teatime......I'll just "tread lightly" for now, as I have been doing....
Netwit, I have a bit more value to my personal estate and could probably maintain a modest lifestyle for the balance of my life without any of my husband's estate. Probably.
However, should my husband pass away intestate, b/c his mom and sister probably won't/wouldn't survive him long, a distant niece (who my husband actually dislikes) & 3 nephews would share my husband's estate with me while my children and grandchildren who see him all the time and who my grandchildren know as their "Pawpaw" would NOT be beneficiaries. Listen to me! I even sound greedy to myself........ Yep, I will tread lightly and celebrate the wonderful man I love and have today...........
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