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My Ex and I are joined by our dog, who we co-parent; she takes him every other weekend and one or two nights a week. We are cordial but often chat. Her dad passed away and of course it was tough thing for her and made her revisit many issues that seemed closed. I had thought we turned that page together, ending our marriage which was a bad partnership or incompatibles, not a good match. Now she tells me that she feels her life is being slowly "erased" - losing her dad, her cousin 5 years ago, losing me, losing the house we were in together....I feel awful about all her losses and admit I would also be in a funk if my world changed so much with so much loss. My therapist and I worked out so many issues and I thought I was beyond the guilt of ending the marriage, although closing the book has been hard for both of us. She moved out on Oct 2008 and we were final in July 2009. My heart goes out to her, I cry for her, sometimes I miss her but I know we did not belong together and at one point during our breakup she even got there too...saying I was 'not good enough to be married to her' telling me moving out to the sticks was a huge 'sacrifice' for her (hmmm...now she misses it....) and telling me off many times. I don't want to get back with her; we'd only end up where we are now - apart. Love does not always create a good partnership - thats what takes work. She was not up to it; I tried to get us into counseling in 2007, she refused. I tried EVERYTHING to let her know she needed to make some constructive changes (like grow up, get a job, help out at home, stop being so helpless, etc) I just get so upset she keeps opening up 'the book' and looking back and its painful when I am reminded of the good times, that it was not all bad, just unworkable in the end. It had to end. We both know it. I am worried for her even though she has scores of great friends, a great family, a handsome, sweet boyfriend....I don't know what to do or say...other than....divorce sucks. I have a great lady in my life now and this heartbreaking stuff with the Ex is just ---- painful.
Sounds painful for you both ... but your instincts are telling you correctly. 9 times out of 10, the parties made the right decision and just need to stick to their guns during the emotional adjustment phase. Know that it is normal to experience a yo-yo'ing of emotions, but that does not negate the great likelihood that splitting was the best route to tkae for you both.
It is cliche, but true: time heals all wounds. Give it time, things will work themselves out. Best of luck.
My Ex and I are joined by our dog, who we co-parent; she takes him every other weekend and one or two nights a week. We are cordial but often chat. Her dad passed away and of course it was tough thing for her and made her revisit many issues that seemed closed. I had thought we turned that page together, ending our marriage which was a bad partnership or incompatibles, not a good match. Now she tells me that she feels her life is being slowly "erased" - losing her dad, her cousin 5 years ago, losing me, losing the house we were in together....I feel awful about all her losses and admit I would also be in a funk if my world changed so much with so much loss. My therapist and I worked out so many issues and I thought I was beyond the guilt of ending the marriage, although closing the book has been hard for both of us. She moved out on Oct 2008 and we were final in July 2009. My heart goes out to her, I cry for her, sometimes I miss her but I know we did not belong together and at one point during our breakup she even got there too...saying I was 'not good enough to be married to her' telling me moving out to the sticks was a huge 'sacrifice' for her (hmmm...now she misses it....) and telling me off many times. I don't want to get back with her; we'd only end up where we are now - apart. Love does not always create a good partnership - thats what takes work. She was not up to it; I tried to get us into counseling in 2007, she refused. I tried EVERYTHING to let her know she needed to make some constructive changes (like grow up, get a job, help out at home, stop being so helpless, etc) I just get so upset she keeps opening up 'the book' and looking back and its painful when I am reminded of the good times, that it was not all bad, just unworkable in the end. It had to end. We both know it. I am worried for her even though she has scores of great friends, a great family, a handsome, sweet boyfriend....I don't know what to do or say...other than....divorce sucks. I have a great lady in my life now and this heartbreaking stuff with the Ex is just ---- painful.
Co-parenting your dog????
I'm sorry, time for you to give the dog up. While I am sure you love him and will mourn losing him, this is just what really needs to happen. As long as you let her have the excuse of "sharing custody" she will continue to open us that "book". Let her completely go by letting her have the dog - she apparently needs it more than you do.
I'm sorry, time for you to give the dog up. While I am sure you love him and will mourn losing him, this is just what really needs to happen. As long as you let her have the excuse of "sharing custody" she will continue to open us that "book". Let her completely go by letting her have the dog - she apparently needs it more than you do.
agreed on giving up the dog let her have it on move on with your life break all ties with her and I would adopt a dog from an animal shelter and give it a good home that way it won't be as hard to give up the other dog
I understand how you feel. I've been there, and done that. First thing to do is get yourself another dog and give her the old dog. If you don't distance yourself from this situation you are going to ruin your chances with your new lady, don't think for a minute she doesn't sense what is going on. I hope you get away from your ex and force her to depend on herself. You will never be able to go back and relive the good times so, it is in your best interests to forget about them. If you keep hanging around and feeling sorry for your ex, the first thing that will happen, you will let her talk you into trying one more time for old times sake. Don't do it, stop thinking about it. Stop feeling sorry for her, you can not help her without dragging yourself down. Sorry for sounding so harsh, but there is no happy ending to this unless you end it.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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Ouch! I really feel your pain. I went through similar feelings when I left my husband. But I agree with lovemountains completely. You need to sever ties til this blows over. I was able to finally be friends with my ex--til he remarried 12 years later to a jealous woman. Maybe one day you two can talk without opening old wounds but for now, I think you need to let your dog go. I'm a huge dog lover, I know what a sacrifice it would be.
So sad to hear this for you, since you obviously carry a lot of love for your ex despite her having started a new life -- You sound like a really good guy with genuine feelings of concern and care for her. That's saying a lot.
However the good news is that it sounds like you both have found someone else that you love and that loves you, and that you are leading a good life for yourself. It's hard, but at some point you have to just figure she's going to make her own choices, good or bad, and that's that. Too bad the dog has caused it to keep the old wounds open, I see a lot of folks here advising you to just let go of that aspect too...There's not any chance you are using the dog as an excuse to stay in touch with her by any chance? Do you want her to be a part of your life still?
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