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Is this poll a joke?
Neither the question or any of the answers come anywhere close to expressing anything I relate to.
I am having a hard time relating with the word "choose." I don't go around thinking, who will I choose for a friend today. It just doesn't happen that way. Friendships sometimes grow spontaneously, or serendipitously, or gradually over time through mutual interest or circumstances that draw people together sometimes in odd ways. And, as we age, few of us are in the position to be too "choosy" when it comes to friends, as we find our existing friends moving away, falling ill, or dying. I don't analyze friends too closely anymore, just am grateful to have some. Age (like ability, color, or economic circumstance) do not enter into it.
i agree with NEgirl in that , for a lot of reasons, some mentioned, i'm much less selective in becoming friends,"close acquaintences", or what ever might be an appropriate term with the people in my life. i have lost friends due to death, distance,health, and as we age, i think this becomes more the norm. so, i'm not really expecting to find friendships of great depth, although i would welcome it , and have become more willing to have casual, situational friendships than i would have wanted years ago. as an example, i have a neighbor who is five years older than i, and with whom i have little in common except single living and propinquity. we go out to lunch and dinner fairly frequently, feed each other's cats when either of us is away, go out for walks on many days. i don't think i'd be friends with her otherwise and she probably would not be friends with me. but, as it is, it fills a need for both of us.
i also have a friend, who approached me in a book group we both attend, and she is twenty years younger. we have a few things in common, but she is much more interested in non-stop activites-plays, concerts, exhibits, extensive travel- than i am or ever was. at her age i did more of that than i do now, but i was never anxious about filling every moment as she is. so, we do some things together, but it is selective on my part. i do feel her interests are not so much a manifestation of age but rather personality and life situation; she might always want to remain "on the go" even as she ages. regardless of age, i don't feel we would ever be great friends, but, at this point in my life, i enjoy getting together with her once or twice a month.
i feel that ,as i age, most friendships i have will be situational, filling a need for contact, conversation, depending on circumstances and living situation. i have friends i've known for many years but these are not nearby and contact is usually e-mail or phone. so, i have lowered my expectations to accomodate these life changes, and most of the time, not always, am o.k. with it.
Regarding moving into a 55+ community and feeling comfortable socializing with people much older than you....
IMO much of that depends on the individual community. Some communities are cliquish, others not as much. Also, some communities have residents age 70+ who harbor resentments against the "younger generation" and may not welcome you if they fear you're going to try to change things. So if you're like me and still love rock music, for example, you might not make as many friends if you show up at the your first social event wearing a Led Zeppelin shirt and talking about how you want the community center to start hosting rock concerts.
If you think you might not fit in with a new community due to age differences, visit for at least a few days and hang out in the places you'd normally make friends to see how friendly the people are to you. Also, when you introduce yourself try to present yourself as a person having things in common with the others.
Thanks, Caladium, very helpful!
I think you're right that some of the communities are more cliquish than others and that visiting more than just briefly is important. Sometimes their websites, including meeting minutes, association docs, newsletters, etc., are remarkably candid and so can also tell you a lot about the people.
On the whole, on my visits, I'm finding people to be really friendly and helpful, which is a big part of the draw of these communities for me. Similar to what was just described in another thread about Sun City Hilton Head, many of these residents love their communities and go out of their way to be hospitable to people who are considering moving there.
It's interesting that you mentioned the possibility of a negative reaction to a newcomer trying to change things--I think that's good advice for me to keep in mind, to be sensitive to people's fear of change.
Mainly, I do like these communities for what they already are--peaceful, safe, offering opportunities for community even though most of the people are originally from somewhere else, offering activities that, as people age, remain accessible because they're in easy walking distance.
On the other hand, I wonder whether some of the smaller, older communities with few activities will stay as viable for my lifetime as they've been for the last few decades, and one way of helping them to would be introducing activities that would appeal to younger residents (maybe a Boomers club, etc.).
But I think you're right; if I'd been wearing a Led Zeppelin (or maybe, for me, Blondie) t-shirt, that could have taken the friendly reception down a notch or two, just depending on which community I was visiting. And of course it is bad manners to move into a place with the idea of changing it. So it might be better to either move to one of the communities that already has a Boomers club, or else just hope for the best, that it doesn't eventually turn into a ghost town because there isn't one.
I liked the ideas in recent threads here on Golden Girls type houses and also the naturally occurring retirement communities (where seniors stay in their homes but there's a neighbors-helping-neighbors organization that they join). But the 55+ places seem worth considering too.
I am drawn to other people b/c of similar interests as well as the "energy" they project. I have found that introverted folks often have a very steady energy . . . so it doesn't have anything to do with someone being "outgoing" . . . I gravitate to others who are more inclined to have one-on-one conversations or who are doing something creative that I relate to, have experience in, or want to learn about.
Often, this can mean a big spread in years as far as age difference, but that is typically not something I think about at the time.
It is also nice to be around other folks who have had similar life experiences, i.e. raised kids, had a career, lived various places, enjoy traveling, etc . . .easy conversation. So sometimes, it is good to be around folks near my own age or older . . . but again, this is not something I consciously "seek out" . . . good conversation leads to wanting to get together again in a natural way, regardless age.
That's an interesting way of describing introversion (steady energy). I've heard the difference between introverts and extraverts described as, when a person's energy gets low, if they're more of an introvert, they need solitude to recharge, whereas if more of an extravert, they need other people to recharge.
But I wonder if it's partly that introverts need for their energy to be steadier, quieter in a way, whether it's doing something alone like reading a book or interacting with someone else around an interest, whereas extraverts need a different kind of energy, more dynamic/variable or something.
I agree that age isn't very relevant in that; it's more about the other person's having that common interest and similar energy.
I am having a hard time relating with the word "choose." I don't go around thinking, who will I choose for a friend today. It just doesn't happen that way. Friendships sometimes grow spontaneously, or serendipitously, or gradually over time through mutual interest or circumstances that draw people together sometimes in odd ways. And, as we age, few of us are in the position to be too "choosy" when it comes to friends, as we find our existing friends moving away, falling ill, or dying. I don't analyze friends too closely anymore, just am grateful to have some. Age (like ability, color, or economic circumstance) do not enter into it.
Yeah, no argument here, this poll was definitely not one of my better word-choice moments. (Sorry, everyone.)
"Choose" wasn't the right word to use if it makes you think I'm talking about detailed conscious analysis. But I do think we gravitate more toward some people than others, with whether that eventually leads to a friendship being, as you said, something that unfolds over time.
i agree with NEgirl in that , for a lot of reasons, some mentioned, i'm much less selective in becoming friends,"close acquaintences", or what ever might be an appropriate term with the people in my life. i have lost friends due to death, distance,health, and as we age, i think this becomes more the norm. so, i'm not really expecting to find friendships of great depth, although i would welcome it , and have become more willing to have casual, situational friendships than i would have wanted years ago. as an example, i have a neighbor who is five years older than i, and with whom i have little in common except single living and propinquity. we go out to lunch and dinner fairly frequently, feed each other's cats when either of us is away, go out for walks on many days. i don't think i'd be friends with her otherwise and she probably would not be friends with me. but, as it is, it fills a need for both of us.
i also have a friend, who approached me in a book group we both attend, and she is twenty years younger. we have a few things in common, but she is much more interested in non-stop activites-plays, concerts, exhibits, extensive travel- than i am or ever was. at her age i did more of that than i do now, but i was never anxious about filling every moment as she is. so, we do some things together, but it is selective on my part. i do feel her interests are not so much a manifestation of age but rather personality and life situation; she might always want to remain "on the go" even as she ages. regardless of age, i don't feel we would ever be great friends, but, at this point in my life, i enjoy getting together with her once or twice a month.
i feel that ,as i age, most friendships i have will be situational, filling a need for contact, conversation, depending on circumstances and living situation. i have friends i've known for many years but these are not nearby and contact is usually e-mail or phone. so, i have lowered my expectations to accomodate these life changes, and most of the time, not always, am o.k. with it.
catsy girl
A lot of interesting observations here that will be in my thoughts as I continue to explore options.
What a lot of these 55+ communities offer, at a minimum, is propinquity to people who are at a similar stage of life with similar needs. As I think more about what I'd want beyond that minimum, I'm interested in what more you'd be looking for ideally (if it's anything you can put your finger on at this point).
We live in a 55 plus community. We are 63 and 66 and we are close to the youngest people living here with just a few couples even close to our age though this is slowly changing as new townhouses are being built. The question was what age I'd prefer to socialize with and that would be my own age or younger, even much younger. I don't care about listening about how things were or their aches, pains and surgeries, but it keeps me young to listen to other people's hopes and dreams.
A little hint... our community has been built (still being built) over 12 to 15 years. The older section is like a separate world. Residents there bought in when they were in their late 60s or 70s so it's a different mindset. The newer townhouses are attracting newly retired or still working residents who are asking for things like the ability to put a hot tub on their deck, better communications through internet, etc. If you're on the younger end of the spectrum and you're looking to move to a 55 plus community then go for the newer units or townhouses.
We live in a 55 plus community. We are 63 and 66 and we are close to the youngest people living here with just a few couples even close to our age though this is slowly changing as new townhouses are being built. The question was what age I'd prefer to socialize with and that would be my own age or younger, even much younger. I don't care about listening about how things were or their aches, pains and surgeries, but it keeps me young to listen to other people's hopes and dreams.
A little hint... our community has been built (still being built) over 12 to 15 years. The older section is like a separate world. Residents there bought in when they were in their late 60s or 70s so it's a different mindset. The newer townhouses are attracting newly retired or still working residents who are asking for things like the ability to put a hot tub on their deck, better communications through internet, etc. If you're on the younger end of the spectrum and you're looking to move to a 55 plus community then go for the newer units or townhouses.
Thanks for the tip--I think what you're describing may be true of some of the places I'm looking at. They're less expensive (because older construction), which is a plus for me, but I do wonder what the future is for them if they're not perceived as being as up-to-date and, in some cases, don't want to change. I'm not sure whether people's mileage could vary on the hot tubs, but I doubt younger people will want their retirement communities to not have modern Internet speeds.
A lot of interesting observations here that will be in my thoughts as I continue to explore options.
What a lot of these 55+ communities offer, at a minimum, is propinquity to people who are at a similar stage of life with similar needs. As I think more about what I'd want beyond that minimum, I'm interested in what more you'd be looking for ideally (if it's anything you can put your finger on at this point).
i teach two courses for two very different life long learning institutions and in both classes are several people who live in 55+ communities. one of the courses i taught was focused on student generated topics of concern, interest, and consideration for people over 50 , as they plan for their years as an aging adult. one of the discussions was on age compatibility in 55+ communities as well as ccrcs. the 55+ people felt that such communities have unique personalities, and consequently some may attract a more specific age group or attract people from the local area as opposed to people from a wider geographic base. i do think that the newer the community the nucleus of buyers will be "younger" as opposed to 55+ communities that are more established and residents bought there when younger but have continued to stay there as they've aged. the ccrc people seemed to feel that even though age-wise they ( late 60's, early 70's ) were in the minority they have felt welcomed and embraced within their community and have never felt out of place because of age.
personally, i have never felt that because i lived in a 55+ community, being with others in the same age range would mean that i'd have things in common except age. i do not have children, grandchildren, do not enjoy bridge, crafts, recreational shopping, to name a few things that seem to be points of commonality at many 55+ communities. so, i've never been convinced that this kind of community would be for me. i prefer, at least for the immediate future , to take my chances in a more varied community setting, where there are families, couples, singles, and retired. the friends i've made in the town where i live i've met primarily through interest groups- book groups, writing groups, and being a part of the life-long learning programs.
I answered based on all friends. But my closest friends are all within five years of my age and have been friends at least 30 years. They are like blood kin ;really.
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) t-shirt, that could have taken the friendly reception down a notch or two, just depending on which community I was visiting. And of course it is bad manners to move into a place with the idea of changing it. So it might be better to either move to one of the communities that already has a Boomers club, or else just hope for the best, that it doesn't eventually turn into a ghost town because there isn't one.
