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not being of retirement age myself, i may be out of line but..
my parents both retired ~10 years ago and immediately MOVED back home near family. my mom says it was a big mistake. She wishes she had stayed away, closer to her friends vs coming back to family. Dad is about the same but men don't communicate like women do I only know that he spends more time with his friends than he does his family despite being so close to them in proximity.
I guess its different for everyone but your gonna spend more time with the people you enjoy the most and sometimes that might be family and sometimes that might be friends. In my case, i have no doubt that will be mostly friends and little family, at least extended family. I hope my kids still want me around by then!
I vote for enough money to hire help when I need help. For emotional/social connection, it's friends, and that does become harder as you get older. People move away, some have family priorities, some relationships just run out of gas. But family is a genetic blind date, a crapshoot. When my 88-year-old aunt dies, I will consider myself to be without family. The fact that I have one sister doesn't mean I feel I "have" someone- never liked her and never respected her and certainly don't trust her. We are estranged by my choice and I expect it to stay that way.
I have been sadly surprised by the failling or fading of friendships over time- not something I expected.
i would have to say i agree that, regardless of friends or family, neither can be depended on, when daily help is needed with basic adls- eating, dressing, mobility, toileting, etc., not to mention grocery shopping, cooking. etc. from what i have observed in my own family and in work with elderly, at some point, seniors will need enough care- quality and quantity- to have to purchase care. the fact that friends and family can't or won't be enough is based on a lot of factors- age of caregiver, their own responsibilities, proximity of caregiver to you, quality of relationship. there are of course exceptions to this as most of us know people who have managed to remain "independent" up into their nineties, but in these cases, if they are examined, there is usually what i call a "bottom line" person, someone who will take up the slack, pitch in when help is needed.
i also agree that friends can rotate in and out of life, certainly when we're older, as people re-locate, health becomes an issue, friends die, friends become widowed and the friendship dynamic changes. as far as family, there are some who will come through certainly, but over time, as care needs increase, what i have often witnessed is caregiver burn-out and sometimes resentment. again, there are exceptions.
with incresing longevity and dementia/alzheimers a real concern as one ages, i think it is realistic to believe that at some time, for some part of your life, you will need to purchase more care than friends or family will be able and/or willing to provide.
I have numerous family members. We are both very close to them, in physicality and well as viewpoints.
BH has 50 plus first cousins but not close.
BH also loves to hang out with his friends, so who knows what the decision will
be. right now we are aging in place.
As much as I love our kids and like to be around them, it just doesn't happen often enough to warrent living around them. As others have mentioned, your kids have there own lives and those lives seem to be filled up with things that couples with children do... some you like share but mostly not.
As for being near family (i.e. our children) when it comes time to have someone take care of us, my wife and I do not want that to be their burden. Yes, we'll not see them and the grandkids as often but we need to plan for the long term and the long term means moving to another area with 3 of our friends where we are planning on living together in what we lovingly call the 'commune home'... a newly built house with 3 private suites as well as a large common area. While this has been in the plan for several years we have begun to entertain the idea of growing from a group of 5 people to a small village of 55+ folks.
One of the reasons for attempting to create this small community is for 'community' and for taking care of each other. We haven't run across too many folks our age (mid 50s) who want their children taking care of them when they need assistance. Additionally, many of our friends are single never been married or at least had children so there's no one to take care of them. It all sounds a bit utopian and thats okay with me... I'm still waiting for someone to give me a better way to age gracefully.
Will this community ever come to be remains to be seen but our small commune home will.
A dear 90 year old lady lives across the street in the two-story home she brought up her kids in. I can see the lights of her TV flickering at night and my heart goes out to her. A younger neighbor next door looks in on her almost daily and the woman has a daughter that comes maybe once a week. Her sister who lived with her got moved into a NH. I cannot imagine living alone at that age and do not want to, after having lived my entire life with others. I've never lived alone except for a few divorced years and that for me was awful. I do admire those who have the fortitude and wherewithall to reside alone. I get lonely too easily.
Basic attitudes toward family vary all over the map. In some families there is just not much closeness while in others everybody seems joined at the hip. We are seeing some of that variety in the responses to this thread.
We with wonderful significant others must keep in mind that one will most likely pass before the other. Surround yourselves with wonderful supportive people to help lesson the load when that day comes. A senior co-housing is an excellent way to surround yourselves with wonderful caring folks..
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Basic attitudes toward family
