How did you come back from a big setback (health, recession, divorce, disaster)?

[StealthRabbit]

Originally Posted by Neerwhal

Thank you. I really do appreciate the gist of your post. The point, I take it, is that you just don't count on anything.

That said--

I live on the west coast and am third-generation here. I've never had cable ever, I have never had a new car, and very few people I know have ever had a new car. I have also never had a new phone and I also have never had a phone plan, ever. Actually those are things that poor people have because they have no cash! Don't keep up with the Jones', we may watch you BOTH go broke (or live a very un-fulfilled life)

...I have had the same winter boots for over 12 years. ... I still wear my winter clothes I made in 4H (1960's)

All of the money goes into savings or improving homes for resale, and college education savings. Remember, that's like $150k per kid if you are not eligible for need aid. This May not be the best plan... / Priority
We aren't deciding whether or not to buy unlimited cable or buying new cars. (No TV since 1968, our kids survived (very well).

The decisions are, "Do I let my kid join a spring sport? Do I let my child take the band trip to Canada? Do we buy pizza for the football game, or can we just live with a pasta bake? Can I donate to charity? Parking's going to be $25 for the day, maybe we shouldn't use these so-called 'free' tickets."

Yes... give the kids the best 'experiences' you can reasonably afford (Great experiences are NOT expensive)... Papa Murphy's pizza is $7, Costco similar... We took our kids to LIVE on 4 different continents (during school age) CHEAP!!!
...
Do you have any idea how much child care costs? I have exactly 10 years, between 9 and 18, in which I'm not paying for child care to work. I have to save $100k per kid during that time just for college.
Not necessary. Kids are VERY resilient, capable and resourceful... at all ages. Give them WINGS, let the soar! (Ours were of NO financial need post age 16, they bought their own cars, insurance, school, clothes, computers...)
...
A new car. LOL. ... Most Americans spend most of their money on health care and education.

I spent $35 on my car... it gets 50 mpg on FREE fryer oil (since 1976)
Time to set 'priorities' and have a 'Plan B

We certainly did not make the best choices...

• Left coast living (expensive)
• Single earner wages (worked 30+ yrs of night shift so we could make better income, farm, and homeschool kids)
• Started kids investing at age 12 (ROTH IRA's)
• Taught them skilled trades (they each designed and built their own homes during grades 9-10 (with 'some'- help from mom and dad.... not so much... they had to get all inspections and do the technical stuff (wiring, plumbing, framing))

• Had kids attend college (For FREE) instead of wasting their time in High School https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Running_Start
  
• Your kids can do just fine on their own (paying for college) Maybe that will challenge them to EXCEL! Millions do it! Kept mine FOCUSED and diligent to insist their colleges DELIVERED!
  
• Mine each had $100k saved up by the time they were age 18 (house + IRA)
• They took dangerous, but well paying summer jobs (Alaska fishing and Wildland fire fighting, ~ $30k - $40 k in 6-8 weeks (They prepared for this by getting certs EARLY)

You have lots of options, Consider what will BEST equip each of your kids to be successful ON THEIR OWN. My dad went down with a disability when I was age 17. I cared for him for the next 32 yrs (as well as my own family. I would have LOVED to have a 'parent' to bounce off ideas! But instead grew up REAL fast... buying my first home at age 19 (so my parents would have a place to live). Your kids will amaze you!

[johngolf]

Overall these posts are depressing and since I do not believe in wearing my heart on my sleeve, I will refrain from posting.

That said, I will say something. My wife and I married in our early 30's and agreed not to have children. Up until age 40 or so, we spent money as fast as we made it. About that age we decided to look toward to the future. We met with a fee based financial adviser. While we did not follow all their advice, we did cut back on spending and start investing. We put money away in safe investments like mutual funds and started paying attention to her state retirement plan versus her shifting jobs. We comfortably retired at age 62.

It is never to late to start planning, but the sooner you start the less painful it will be.

[Neerwhal]

Originally Posted by LookingatFL

Neerwhal, what I have found is that you cannot make effective plans for a disaster, as there will always be more stuff happening than you thought would and your "disaster is going to be different than everyone else's "disaster". In the midst of your life falling apart it is good to move to safety and then just stop. Take deep breaths. Appraise what is happening. Then form plans. Sometimes strangers will come into your life to help. Sometimes friends and family step up to the plate. Sometimes it takes working with professionals. Sometimes it takes living very frugally. It really just depends upon what is going on as to what you are going to need to do. Sometimes you will have false starts.

Can you ever really fully recover? I don't think so. Lost time is lost. I don't think it is possible to ever get to the place you would have been had whatever not befallen you. Change causes change. Sometimes that change will propel you further ahead. Sometimes you will be at a disadvantage.

The point is to come to acceptance, begin working toward remediation as soon as possible. Have goals, work toward them.

Your attitude will play a big part in it all. Here is a quote from Pirates of The Caribbean that pretty much sums it up:

“The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem”

― Captain Jack Sparrow

Take deep breaths and set goals are more along the lines of "everything I needed to know I learned in kindergarten". That's fabulous advice for someone who is five, but people who are middle aged are usually looking for more specifics.

I also find the criticism of my attitude to improvement irritating. If saving like crazy, working your butt off, and asking for advice from your elders isn't a good attitude, what is?

I know this is touchy and please don't take this the wrong way, but you can't sacrifice your own retirement in order to pay for college for your kids.

I understand you're being kind, but...

I would sooner die than let my kids down. The only reason I am alive is for my kids. I would never DREAM of taking a vacation or retiring without being 100% sure that I had provided for my kids. Maybe that won't be 100% of tuition and sure they have to pay their fair share too, but I'm not going to be like "oh darn, I really want to not work, I guess you'll have to graduate $50k in debt".

Having children was my choice. I'm not going to let them down like so many people in my generation were. We were told to work 40 hour weeks, go to school full time, and take out loans. People have insane, life-destroying debt because of stupid advice and ridiculous financial expectations that were given to them when they were but children.

I appreciate the financial advice but that's just not my values. My values are family first. Again, that doesn't mean bankrolling an adult child forever, but definitely providing them with a cushion to fall on and reasonable support to enter the job market.