Post your funny/weird/interesting local news stories here . . . (Clearwater: school, live)

[Sunnydee]

I love Florida and can't wait to move here full-time, so this is not a Florida bashing thread. One of the things I find so endearing about Florida is watching the local news because it's always so entertaining. I have never seen such news stories anyplace else, so it's fascinating to me. Please feel free to share any story that piqued your interest or tickled your funny bone. Here's mine for today:

73-year-old man robbed 3 banks to pay mortgage, police say

[ozlo]

This isn't really a new story, but it's one of my favorite funny ones from the area.

It's about the Clearwater Beach Monster!

Floridian: Man, not beast

[Nony-kun]

It all started when our uber geek, Spongebob, woke up in a haunted thicket. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling scarcely relieved, Spongebob stroked a ninja star, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Giggling like schoolgirl, he realized that his beloved advance porno was missing! Immediately he called his undeclared soulmate, Pikachu. Spongebob had known Pikachu for 200,000 years, the majority of which were enchanting ones. Pikachu was unique. She was clever though sometimes a little... clueless. Spongebob called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Pikachu picked up to a very ecstatic Spongebob. Pikachu calmly assured him that most South American hissing sloths grimace before mating, yet 3-legged wallabies usually scandalously panic *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Spongebob. Why was Pikachu trying to distract Spongebob? Because she had snuck out from Spongebob pineapple with the advance porno in only two days prior. It was a awsome book of advance porno... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before Spongebob got back to the subject at hand: his advance porno. Pikachu grimaced. Reluctantly, Pikachu invited him over, assuring him they'd find the advance porno. Spongebob grabbed his time machine and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Pikachu realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the advance porno and she had to do it fearlessly. She figured that if Spongebob took the rice rocket, she had take at least eight minutes before Spongebob would get there. But if he took the Dildomobile? Then Pikachu would be very screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Pikachu was interrupted by five pestering Mutated penguins that were lured by her advance porno. Pikachu turned red; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling angered, she aptly reached for her ninja star and randomly poked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the imaginary desert, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Dildomobile rolling up. It was Spongebob.
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Texaco to pick up a 12-pack of potatoes, so he knew he was running late. With a heroic leap, Spongebob was out of the Dildomobile and went wildly jaunting toward Pikachu's front door. Meanwhile inside, Pikachu was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the advance porno into a box of Spongebob's other stolen porn and then slid the box under her bed. Pikachu was stunned but at least the advance porno was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Pikachu exotically purred. With a careful push, Spongebob opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abrasive beer-sloshed tool in a gas-guzzling, ecology-destroying, tankish SUV,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Pikachu assured him. Spongebob took a seat just under where Pikachu had hidden the advance porno. Pikachu grimaced trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Spongebob was distracted. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased deity, Pikachu noticed a annoying look on Spongebob's face. Spongebob slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Pikachu felt a stabbing pain in her scalp when Spongebob asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the advance porno right under her bed. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A stupid look started to form on Spongebob's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's carrots from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Spongebob nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Pikachu could react, Spongebob skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The advance porno was plainly in view.
Spongebob stared at Pikachu for what what must've been seven seconds. As if it really mattered Pikachu groped scandalously in Spongebob's direction, clearly desperate. Spongebob grabbed the advance porno and bolted for the door. It was locked. Pikachu let out a electric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Spongebob,' she rebuked. Pikachu always had been a little oafish, so Spongebob knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Pikachu did something crazy, like... start chucking ninja stars at her or something. Just as ten people expected he gripped his advance porno tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Pikachu looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Spongebob. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame seven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Spongebob. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Pikachu walked over to the window and looked down. Spongebob was gone.
Just yonder, Spongebob was struggling to make his way through the imaginary desert behind Pikachu's place. Spongebob had severely hurt his armpit during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Mutated penguins suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the advance porno. One by one they latched on to Spongebob. Already weakened from his injury, Spongebob yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Mutated penguins running off with his advance porno.
About three hours later, Spongebob awoke, his prostate throbbing. It was dark and Spongebob did not know where he was. Deep in the arid imaginary desert, Spongebob was scarcely lost. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, he remembered that his advance porno was taken by the Mutated penguins. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a teensy Mutated penguin emerged from the lemur-infested moor. It was the alpha Mutated penguin. Spongebob opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Mutated penguin sunk its teeth into Spongebob's taint. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Spongebob's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than eleven miles away, Pikachu was entombed by anguish over the loss of the advance porno. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened carrot. With a quick thrust, she buried it deeply into her love handle. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Spongebob... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the advance porno that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sapling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Mutated penguins, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived happily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(LOLz!!?