Inviting only SOME family members to a wedding? (invite, fiance, money)

[peksat]

I really confused what the right thing to do is and was hoping someone could give me some advice.

I am very close to my immediate family and moderately close to my Dad's side of the family. In other words, I'm not super close to them, but I find them generally pleasant and don't mind spending holidays with them. Ultimately, I only see them 2-3x a year at most (they live in another state), but I look upon them fondly. When we are together, we all talk politely and basically are basically very cordial. I have no problems with anyone from my fiance's side of the family and would love to have them come to the wedding, though I am not that close to them.

My mom's side of the family (let's call them the Parker family) all live in our hometown so we come across them much more often. My mom has 6 older siblings (aka 12 uncles and aunts for me :P). Since my mom is the youngest, I don't really know my older cousins well as they are all off living their own lives and honestly, I haven't seen most them for 10-15 years. I only see 2 cousins out of the 24 some more than 1x a year. I consider myself somewhat close to ONE of them. Actually, we were quite close when we were young, but drifted apart as we got older. In hindsight, a lot of why we drifted apart is because of her parent's blatant disrespect towards my parents.

A taste of the attitude from the Parker family:

• Told my mom TO HER FACE that her children (me and my sister) are destined to be failures because it's "written on our faces. And that no matter how hard she tries, some kids are destined to be failures." I am sad to say this is a direct quote from a text message. This is because they feel superior to my parents because their oldest son works for a Fortune 500 company and their daughter runs a family-owned boutique shop for them while my sister goes to a community college and I recently got back from traveling around the world after quitting my job last year. Not only was that an incredibly cruel thing to say to ANY parent, it was downright stupid since my sister is only 21 and their son is 30. They are clearly in different stages of their life. She said my mom should stop lying and saying I quit last year because "nobody would quit a job this economy" and that thank goodness I "caught a man before I quit because nobody wants to marry a gold digger."

• One uncle/aunt holds a grudge against my parents for not lending them money 30 years ago. 30 years ago, my mom and dad had JUST married and bought a tiny house. They were not rich, my dad was in construction and my mom didn't work as she had just gotten pregnant. They used to steep tea in cold water to avoiding using the gas stove. In this stage of their lives, this aunt/uncle, who are 5 years older, asked to borrow $5,000 in cash because they had lost their own money on a failed business. My parents only had $10,000 to their name and said no, they couldn't afford it. Even 30 years later, they have never forgiven them.

• My dad injured his leg (he is a contractor) and my uncle (who's in the same field) went around to clients and told them he is crippled and shouldn't be given jobs because he can't do physical labor anymore. There was no permanent damage and my dad still plays tennis. Yet apparently, according to what my uncle told other people, he is crippled for life. This is the mildest lie my uncle has told about my dad and only god knows how many clients my dad lost.

• Though my parents are not the wealthiest by a long shot, when extended family from their home country came to visit, since my mom speaks the best English and is the most tech savvy, she booked all the tours/vacation getaways that the WHOLE family agreed to split. She paid for everything upfront online and none of her older sisters or brothers except ONE paid her their share. They all "forgot" their wallets or didn't have time to come (so they never paid).

• When one of my uncles got a stroke, my dad came to massage his arm and leg (the side that got mildly paralyzed) every weekend (my dad works full time too btw). Yet my uncle's form of thanks was to say to my dad "men who have 'quick minds' are destined to be leaders and men who are good with their hands are made to be manual laborers." Incidentally, my dad is in construction.

This is just a sampling of the Parker family drama. In general, the Parker family fights often, holds grudges, and looks down on each other. My mom is not perfect, but she gets more than her fair share as the youngest sibling. To their credit, the Parker family is a bunch of hard workers than immigrated to the States in their teens and all really made something of themselves, but this does not change the fact I do NOT consider them family. They never wished us well and are worse than strangers in how they would rather see us fail so that they can be "better than us." They are the definition of toxic.

So, here's the problem - I don't want to invite anyone, except that one cousin, from my mom's side of the family to my wedding. I am happy to invite my dad's side of the family, though we are not close. At least, I do feel that they wish me well and want me to be happy. I've let the one cousin I get along with know that she is welcome to come as I still appreciate the years of friendship we shared in the past and she always treats my family kindly. I told her that whatever decision she makes is fine with me because I understand that her family comes first to her, no matter how I feel about her parents.

Usually, all the Parker siblings fight amongst themselves, but I am sad to say that my not wanting to invite them has united them against my mom. Personally, I'd be happy never seeing any of them again, but they have threatened to never see my mom again if I don't invite them. I know not seeing her siblings ever again, as horrid as they are, would hurt my mom deeply.

I know my mom just wants me to have a perfect wedding, she would never ask me to invite them herself, but I can tell she is very depressed by this ultimatum. I'm not going to lie, I don't understand how my mom can still love her hateful siblings so much, but my mom has been an amazing mother and I want her to be happy. I truly don't want to be the cause of my mom becoming permanently estranged from her siblings.

However, the thought of getting married in front of 12 uncles/aunts who have done nothing but look down on us, mock us, and treat us like **** makes me utterly sick. To add insult to injury they hinted that family should not have to bring gifts since I didn't want them to come in the first place. Also, on a slightly unrelated note, I am also rather fearful of them making a scene as 3 of my uncles are heavy alcoholics who tend to get VERY rowdy. I worry what they will do at my wedding since they are already angry at me.

What should I do?? Any input would be really appreciated.

[alle]

Elope!

[peksat]

Originally Posted by alle

Elope!

I thought about that, and I'm not sure if it's selfish of me - but I REALLY DO want to have a wedding day to share with the people I DO like spending time with...like my friends and the family I do like. I can't help but feel it's a little unfair to not celebrate at all with the people I do love for just one day.... I don't know...

[Sommie789]

Originally Posted by peksat

I thought about that, and I'm not sure if it's selfish of me - but I REALLY DO want to have a wedding day to share with the people I DO like spending time with...like my friends and the family I do like. I can't help but feel it's a little unfair to not celebrate at all with the people I do love for just one day.... I don't know...

Elope but have a little family dinner or party later.

[Pitt Chick]

You invite the people you love, with whom you want to share your special day.
It CAN be that simple.

[RedZin]

Originally Posted by peksat

I thought about that, and I'm not sure if it's selfish of me - but I REALLY DO want to have a wedding day to share with the people I DO like spending time with...like my friends and the family I do like. I can't help but feel it's a little unfair to not celebrate at all with the people I do love for just one day.... I don't know...

Have a destination wedding in a tiny venue that'll only hold immediate family and your closest friends.

Have a party later for the larger family and any other friends you want to include.

[peksat]

Thanks everyone! Now that you guys put it so simply - I think doing a small wedding (the most important bit anyway) with just loved ones and just doing a more casual dinner later for everyone else will be the best option. I dunno, it seems like the most obvious solution now that I think about it....new I feel rather stupid.

Thanks so much everyone! Just been too emotional to think clearly these days I guess :P

[Tallysmom]

Originally Posted by peksat

Thanks everyone! Now that you guys put it so simply - I think doing a small wedding (the most important bit anyway) with just loved ones and just doing a more casual dinner later for everyone else will be the best option. I dunno, it seems like the most obvious solution now that I think about it....new I feel rather stupid.

Thanks so much everyone! Just been too emotional to think clearly these days I guess :P

Not stupid at all -- how many times do you hear of a small wedding? When all around you are these huge white weddings... you sort of start thinking that way, too.

[photobuff42]

Have the wedding you want to have. Invite the people you and your fiance love, and who love you. Have a wonderful day. Enjoy it. Give the people who don't care for your something to talk about because they didn't get invited!

[christina0001]

Don't feel bad about leaving them out. It's your wedding. Congratulations!