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It's also rude if you know the couple flew in from out of town for the wedding, but people give them bulky gifts that they'd have to either ship back or somehow lug back on the plane. I know some married couples that this happened to where the ones giving the gifts knew the couple were from out of town.
People just don't think about stuff like that.
Example: When my wife and kids go home for christmas to Missouri every year we always tell the family well in advance, "Small gifts or be prepared to ship it." And every year my FIL or even my own Dad goes out last minute shopping and buy something that won't even fit in the car. They mean well....but they just don't think about their gift posing a problem for us. My FIL once bought me this oversized radio controlled Avalanche.....which was cool....but I had no room in the car for it. The same year he bought us this huge George Foreman grill set. I just looked at my wife and she just said,"shhhhh...don't say it".
Well seeing as I usually only average about one wedding a year, if that, generally I calculate my gift upwards of $100 and usually I factor in things like travel, and the importance of the bridal couple in my life, as well. Oh and if I have to buy clothes for the occasion.
The size and grandness of the wedding simply doesn't come into it, although I'm fairly lucky that I've not had to attend a great lavish affair for many years. The whole big wedding thing really isn't my cup of tea.
The two most recent weddings I attended probably cost out of pocket upwards of $500 each to attend.
The most recent was a cousin, of a branch of the family I'm very fond of but we had to travel and stay overnight in a motel and there were clothes to buy for the occasion. As the young couple are people we are fond of but don't spend a lot of time with, we got them gift vouchers to a department store near them so they could choose something themselves. The value of the vouchers was $200 and hotel rooms $200 plus petrol, and clothes at least another $100. BUT we had a fabulous weekend and it was a wonderful wedding.
Prior to that was the wedding of a very dear friend and I bought them all personal gifts for the occasion. Jewellery, as they'd already set up their home and didn't really need anything. I think I spent about $400 dollars on their gifts. On top of that there was the dress I had to buy and taxis and a visit to the hairdresser so I probably spent around $800 all up but I'd not have missed that weekend for the world AND I'd have given them every brass razoo I owned if I'd had it to give. They're good people and I was thrilled to be a part of their special day.
If I can't afford to attend I don't and I can always afford to attend the wedding of people I love and care about. Ultimately it's just money and the time, energy and effort you put into their gift and sharing their day is far more important but I can say that easily enough because like I say I only have to attend a wedding maybe once a year. I'd hate to be in a large family and or circle of friends where you were at a wedding every other weekend of people that you're not that close to and having to spring for a gift each time. I think I would develop scheduling conflicts if that were the case!
Example: When my wife and kids go home for christmas to Missouri every year we always tell the family well in advance, "Small gifts or be prepared to ship it." And every year my FIL or even my own Dad goes out last minute shopping and buy something that won't even fit in the car. They mean well....but they just don't think about their gift posing a problem for us. My FIL once bought me this oversized radio controlled Avalanche.....which was cool....but I had no room in the car for it. The same year he bought us this huge George Foreman grill set. I just looked at my wife and she just said,"shhhhh...don't say it".
You're right that sometimes people don't think or they just don't care and will regift something they have regardless of size.
moonshadow, nice analysis there.
To all, what if you couldn't attend the wedding? Do you still send a gift? If so, would it be less than, equal to, or more than what you would've spent if you did attend the wedding?
You're right that sometimes people don't think or they just don't care and will regift something they have regardless of size.
moonshadow, nice analysis there.
To all, what if you couldn't attend the wedding? Do you still send a gift? If so, would it be less than, equal to, or more than what you would've spent if you did attend the wedding?
I hear a wedding bell,
wolfie must be subject of a spell
once he gets into that cell
is he going to excel?
I hear a wedding bell,
wolfie must be subject of a spell
once he gets into that cell
is he going to excel?
LOL, I got hooked to the rhyme dictionary.
OMG!!!!!!!!!!! Sierra, your inner poet has come ALIVE! This one had me dyin'.
As to what wedding present to give: It's really not clear-cut any more, so if people make "mistakes" or don't hit it "quite right", the marrying couple shouldn't be upset. In long ago days, various cultures had their specifics as far as what to get. For example, I think in European Jewish pre-19th century tradition, the mother of the bride made linens and bedding...that sort of thing. But today, who knows?
Probably the best thing for the very picky couple is a gift registry.
As for marrying out of town, any guest who doesn't realize the couple will then need to carry all the presents back is a doofus. Ship the present in advance to their home or ship to the mother of the bride's home. Durr.
I personally didn't expect any gifts. We did get a couple money gifts. We "ran away" to Vegas just to avoid problems like this. Eight people ran away with us, including my DH's parents. (My parents are deceased). We had a BLAST. We even had a singing Elvis...it was hilarious, very relaxed, and it was a fun vacation for everyone because Vegas is pretty much Party Central.
To all, what if you couldn't attend the wedding? Do you still send a gift? If so, would it be less than, equal to, or more than what you would've spent if you did attend the wedding?
Unless it's immediate family I would prefer not to go because my wife and kids always have to have new clothes for such an event....as they never....EVER....have a damn thing to wear every time something like this comes up. Meanwhile I can always seem to pull out a suit and a crisp shirt & tie out of the closet. And if I can save that cost of having to buy a wardrobe I may even increase the value of that Home Depot gift card from a $20 to a $50!
Technically, I believe you are supposed to give the "per head" cost amount. You get the idea of how much this is by the quality of the invitations (seriously) and the knowledge of the scale of the wedding. Yep, according to etiquette, you are supposed to give a gift for the shower and the wedding. Etiquette also states you should send a gift if you get an invitation.
However, any bride with any sense should NOT expect to recoup the wedding costs. You have to go into a wedding expecting to receive nothing in return. For me, it was all about the people I love making the effort to come.
Personally, I noticed my gifts were largely dependent on the givers' income, not on closeness to me. Also, I don't particularly WANT people to give gifts they can't afford. It's horrendously expensive all around. Just a small thoughtful token is fine if you can't afford it, especially if you are coming from out of town. And I would say 10% of people sent a gift who didn't attend the actual wedding.
I was so thankful my youngest daughter decided to get married on our deck. Her husband was very shy and didn't want a bunch of people there...good with me! Then they decided to have a big picnic where their friends could really relax and have fun.
I spend depending on how close I am to the couple. If it is someone really close I find something I really know they would love. Otherwise it is something very general. I hate finding things just to find them without much feeling.
A couple times when I went to coworkers' weddings where other coworkers were invited, we split a larger gift card evenly. Not that I cared at the time, but the CNN article says it's socially acceptable to split a gift (or GC) w/ multiple people.
itlchick, that's a great outlook/attitude on the wedding.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sierraAZ
I hear a wedding bell,
wolfie must be subject of a spell
once he gets into that cell
is he going to excel?
LOL, I got hooked to the rhyme dictionary.
LOL! You're also killing me here.
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I know some married couples that this happened to where the ones giving the gifts knew the couple were from out of town.
