Memories Of Going To Church

I've been to two, count 'em, two churches that looking back on it I would consider to be evangelistic. These were, I should add, two separate occasions with one visit to each church - not much in the way of experience... In both cases I was dating girls in high school that attended said churches and I was coaxed into going due to a failure of my personality in my teenage years to say "No" to something, especially if that something wore a skirt and had breasts.

In both cases I found myself pretty bored. Actually, I take that back. Before the sermon started it was pretty fun to listen to all the gossip about each person in the church not sitting within hearing distance of where we were. You'd think we were in high school but actually it was mostly grown adults "welcoming" me to the place and "introducing" me to everyone in this manner:

"That woman's husband left her for a man..." and "That guy has had three divorces but loves his kids..." and "She's a closet lesbian..." and "He's new but was saved on his second visit..." Apparently, that's what happens before sermons start. Kind of fun if you ask me - especially the lesbian part. However, if you were visiting unaccompanied I venture to guess you probably wouldn't be privy to such tantalizing personal details of each parishioner's lives.

Then, the snake oil salesman comes out on the stage and welcomes everyone. He says he's glad to see everyone came out to show their faith in God and is putting Jesus first in their lives. I guess he didn't hear the necessary pre-sermon banter going on just before he stepped out on stage.

I don't recall the next hour or so of either of my trips as it sounded like the snakeoil salesman was taking verses of the Bible and trying to poorly correlate them with his own metaphorical avenue to reach every single parishioner. Because everyone is apparently of the same like mind, this is easily justified from the salesman's point of view because he assumes no one can possibly have experienced a different avenue of life to lead their thoughts in a different direction. It actually got pretty boring... In fact, I developed the habit of trying to figure out which of the parishioners I'd like to have sex with. The closet lesbian was up there on the list. The girlfriend who brought me... Well... She was up there too and that's pretty much why I was there in the first place...

I remember a few Amens being simultaneously said but I don't know if that was due to one of the cue's of the salesman or as the result of a prayer. I really had my eye on the lesbian girl at that point. She was really looking hot and I wasn't very focused on much of the goings-on around me.

For some reason, I'd like to say we turned and shook one another's hands but I can't distinctly remember that. I do remember wanting to shake the lesbian's hand at that point, though. I was really trying to work an angle with my girlfriend and the lesbian and me at this point... Alas, I couldn't think of a good enough way to get that conversation started. I probably needed advice from the snakeoil salesman.

Then, I remember the snakeoil salesman telling everyone that some guy was going to be baptised that day. They unveiled what appeared to be a large aquarium that could hold quite a few piranhas. But, unfortunately for me and fortunately for the guy being baptised, the tank only had water in it and no piranhas. They brought him out in a white robe and I'd like to say the guy had his wife with him. I can't remember for sure. If he did, she wasn't very attractive because I'd have probably remembered that.

Then they gave some talk about how wonderful it was that he was going to be baptised and how awesome the power of God and Jesus was. Then the salesman asked the guy to step into the piranha tank and he said something to the effect of "Do you renounce all your sins in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior?" The guy said "I do" like he was getting married and then the pastor dipped his entire body into the piranha tank. I began to wonder if anyone had ever been surprised by the dunking, sucked water into their lungs in surprise and actually choked to death from this procedure. That would almost be as exciting as piranhas. But, he emerged to the surface from the piranha tank with his hair sopping wet and looking like a mop.

After they carted the piranha tank and the newly Christened Olympic Swimmer away, the salesman asked if anyone else wanted to confess their sins and become saved that day. I received a nudge from my girlfriend at this point and for a second I was under the impression she was having the same thoughts as I was about the lesbian. Then I realized she was nudging me to go ahead and get saved not to approach the lesbian after the sermon.

I don't really recall how things ended but I remember we all stood up and then we walked out of there. That was pretty much it. In fact, it's hard for me to remember both individual times because they seem to run together as one complete "episode" in my memory. I know I went two separate times and I remember the lesbian and the piranha tank but the rest seemed to run together. The large majority of it was some guy standing on stage trying to convince everyone to swim in the empty piranha tank.

Now, I've never been to a Pentacostal Church but I hear those are the really fun ones. Both of the ones I went to were Southern Baptist Churches, pretty uneventful and pretty boring. One was a place I have since deemed "Six Flags - Jesus" due to its immense size and the other was a small, white truly Southern hellfire and brimstone place.

I never did find out what happened to that lesbian though... Maybe I should go back and try to find her...