Vatican Destroyed By Rioters After Saints Win Super Bowl
Posted 02-08-2010 at 01:41 AM by GCSTroop
Vatican - For forty-two years the citizens of the Vatican collectively bowed their heads in dismal silence as they watched their beloved New Orleans Saints march off the field in defeat. For forty-two years, a team that has only won two playoff games in its entire history finally won the Super Bowl.
After the Saints' Sunday night win against the Indianapolis Colts, citizens of the Vatican erupted in joy and merriment and took to the streets celebrating. Despite members of the Swiss Guard trying to hold back riotous citizens of the Vatican, they were no match for the overzealous crowd.
Dozens of priests and nuns took to the streets flipping over cars, lighting Molatov cocktails and setting ablaze everything they could find. Hours after the end of the Super Bowl, thirty-four people were left dead in the streets and untold scores of others were injured - some of them seriously.
"This is the moment we've all been waiting for," shouted a drunken Father Nunzio Desparanza. "The only thing that could have made it better was if they put in my favorite player, St. Adrian IV."
After being informed that St. Adrian IV had been dead for over 850 years, Father Desparanza quickly understood why his favorite player wasn't in the game. "Oh, I just thought he was on injured reserve nursing an injury. I didn't know he'd been dead for that long," he said.
Pope Benedict XVI, who donned a festive New Orleans Saints jersey, took things a little too seriously himself. After finding out that several members of his staff were actually rooting for the Colts this year, he reopened some of the medieval torture racks used during the Inquisition. Those advisers have not been heard from in a little over a week. The Holy Father was also arrested on charges of inciting a riot and setting fire to several cars in the area. Upon being taken in for questioning, he shouted loudly to the riotous crowd - "Go Saints!"
Some of the cardinals and priests also celebrated Mardi Gras style by sitting atop the papal balconies and throwing beads at the nuns below. Despite the fact that Mardi Gras doesn't start for another nine days, this didn't stop many of the nuns from trying to collect as many beads as possible by showing their bare breasts to the men above. Sister Melanie Tourbourg was overjoyed that her favorite team won the Super Bowl. "This isn't your everyday celebration in the Vatican. We've never won a Super Bowl and it's high time we celebrated like we finally did!" She finished her interview by showing her bare breasts to the crowd and adding more plastic beads around her neck to the already enormous collection.
A few of the other members of the Vatican staff were a little miffed with the play-calling. An inebriated Father Mickey O'Malley said the Saints did a grand injustice to the sport by not throwing a single Hail Mary.
"This is THE SAINTS we're talking about, right? To have a team with so many great players - St. Anthony, St. Christopher, St. Bernard, and St. Ranulphus as the Quarterback, and not to throw a single 'Hail Mary?' That's just blasphemy! Don't get me wrong, I'm glad they won but they should have thrown more Hail Mary's."
A 'Hail Mary' is a desperate play usually saved for the last few seconds of a ball game when a team is losing by a small margin. The ball is heaved into the air and hopefully caught by a member of the same team while in the end zone. Though Hail Mary's are almost entirely ineffective, there have been a few instances of success throughout the history of football. However, for all intents and purposes, Hail Mary's are practically useless.
Though much of the rioting and looting has stopped at The Vatican, a few party-goers have insisted on an all-week celebration. Most of those insisting on this week-long celebration are the Irish and British members of the clergy who simply don't know when to quit drinking and partying after a sports victory.
The Vatican hopes for a repeat performance next year and promises to have a bigger and better Super Bowl bash if the Saints look like they might come marching in again.
After the Saints' Sunday night win against the Indianapolis Colts, citizens of the Vatican erupted in joy and merriment and took to the streets celebrating. Despite members of the Swiss Guard trying to hold back riotous citizens of the Vatican, they were no match for the overzealous crowd.
Dozens of priests and nuns took to the streets flipping over cars, lighting Molatov cocktails and setting ablaze everything they could find. Hours after the end of the Super Bowl, thirty-four people were left dead in the streets and untold scores of others were injured - some of them seriously.
"This is the moment we've all been waiting for," shouted a drunken Father Nunzio Desparanza. "The only thing that could have made it better was if they put in my favorite player, St. Adrian IV."
After being informed that St. Adrian IV had been dead for over 850 years, Father Desparanza quickly understood why his favorite player wasn't in the game. "Oh, I just thought he was on injured reserve nursing an injury. I didn't know he'd been dead for that long," he said.
Pope Benedict XVI, who donned a festive New Orleans Saints jersey, took things a little too seriously himself. After finding out that several members of his staff were actually rooting for the Colts this year, he reopened some of the medieval torture racks used during the Inquisition. Those advisers have not been heard from in a little over a week. The Holy Father was also arrested on charges of inciting a riot and setting fire to several cars in the area. Upon being taken in for questioning, he shouted loudly to the riotous crowd - "Go Saints!"
Some of the cardinals and priests also celebrated Mardi Gras style by sitting atop the papal balconies and throwing beads at the nuns below. Despite the fact that Mardi Gras doesn't start for another nine days, this didn't stop many of the nuns from trying to collect as many beads as possible by showing their bare breasts to the men above. Sister Melanie Tourbourg was overjoyed that her favorite team won the Super Bowl. "This isn't your everyday celebration in the Vatican. We've never won a Super Bowl and it's high time we celebrated like we finally did!" She finished her interview by showing her bare breasts to the crowd and adding more plastic beads around her neck to the already enormous collection.
A few of the other members of the Vatican staff were a little miffed with the play-calling. An inebriated Father Mickey O'Malley said the Saints did a grand injustice to the sport by not throwing a single Hail Mary.
"This is THE SAINTS we're talking about, right? To have a team with so many great players - St. Anthony, St. Christopher, St. Bernard, and St. Ranulphus as the Quarterback, and not to throw a single 'Hail Mary?' That's just blasphemy! Don't get me wrong, I'm glad they won but they should have thrown more Hail Mary's."
A 'Hail Mary' is a desperate play usually saved for the last few seconds of a ball game when a team is losing by a small margin. The ball is heaved into the air and hopefully caught by a member of the same team while in the end zone. Though Hail Mary's are almost entirely ineffective, there have been a few instances of success throughout the history of football. However, for all intents and purposes, Hail Mary's are practically useless.
Though much of the rioting and looting has stopped at The Vatican, a few party-goers have insisted on an all-week celebration. Most of those insisting on this week-long celebration are the Irish and British members of the clergy who simply don't know when to quit drinking and partying after a sports victory.
The Vatican hopes for a repeat performance next year and promises to have a bigger and better Super Bowl bash if the Saints look like they might come marching in again.
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