Why can't intergender friends become lifelong loving companions? Marry? Kids?
Posted 08-16-2014 at 02:18 PM by Yiuppy
I'm friends with a man. Let's call him "Dave" - not his real name.
He's a guy I've known of for several years now. We share a lot of personal thoughts and feelings with each other, and we met through an online forum (non-dating, special topic site). We've never dated nor entertained any romantic thoughts or actions with one another, but I am attracted to him. I can't imagine him being such a close friend to me, and then someday not having his friendship anymore because I met another guy, who subsequently puts Dave out of the picture. I think about that often and it just doesn't make sense. It actually makes me sad, not happy that I could find someone, marry him, and live happily, and it not be Dave. I'm supposed to foolishly believe that someday I'll meet a stranger who knows nothing about me, and end up in love with him, virtually ending my friendship with my friend who I have built a strong and loyal rapport with for a long time. I can't see Dave ever being out of the picture and not in my life, and this causes me to see him, and our friendship, in a different perspective; one where I want this person close to me for a very, very, very long time. He's wearing some pretty big shoes being my friend right now, and my mind doesn't see anyone else filling them.
Why can't we just become romantically involved, too? You know? Close friends who share everything with each other - well let's just start living together since we get along so well and enjoy many of the same things. Well, I don't know, maybe we can start holding hands when we're walking around together, too, because we are friends after all, and I want someone to hold my hand. Heck, while we're at it, we both want affection and passionate intimacy with someone special, why not just fulfill those needs for one another, too? At the end of the day, why can't we just end up being life-long companions - although I think these days they're called "spouses" or summin' like'kat.
Why can't we really good friends just let ourselves become so fond of each other that we end up loving each other our entire lives? Is that so bad?
Anyway, Dave is friendly. To everyone. He, two lovebirds, and another long time friend of his - a female - planned a movie night together, and he quickly invited me. I couldn't join them, and prayed to the high cosmos that it could not happen without me there. It was cancelled. After long thought and hesitation to avoid an awkward proposal for a movie night with just the two of us, I asked (e-mailed) him if just the two of us could have our own movie night.
Why did I feel so awkward just asking to watch a movie? I thought to myself there must be something else there. I really try not to fantasize about him as a lover or think of him as anything more someday, because usually that's just a pipe dream. I want to stay focused on the reality of the present. And presently I just can't shake the significance I give to this guy's role in my life. Every guy I see, and interact with, I compare to him. If it's a blonde, I defer back to what Dave looks like. If it's a really generous and outgoing person, I defer back to what Dave is like. This is becoming a pleasant annoyance for me, that any man I pass or who speaks to me, I'll always compare him to Dave for some reason and think his looks and thoughts are superior; although Dave has very common and plain but handsome physical features, and there a million men within 500 square miles who look just like or very similar to him, he stands out like the best of all, simply because of the way I know him and the way he knows me and makes me feel, and he is so flawed.
I really don't want a romantic relationship right now, not even with Dave. But eventually I do, and I just can't see anyone filling his place. I can't see him not being around or being put on a back burner to some other guy. It would be unfair for me to end up in love with some other guy, but always still thinking of Dave. I think I just need to be sure. I like our friendship, but I want to start being more physically close to him.
I guess it's my age and longing for affection of someone already close to me that's finally revealing itself, and I should cool it. Keep it hidden forever? Where has that ever gotten anyone?
Why can't close friends just end up together? I'm sure they can - if they really want to.
"I don't want to be romantic with the best person in my life right now, eewwww, gross."
"God forbid we have to, like, do all these nice things for and with each other that makes us feel all, like, good and stuff."
"Screw that, I'd rather start all over with a complete stranger who won't be able to stand my annoying imperfections for one minute. I can change them, instead."
All of the latter seems so illogical when compared with just being in love together and sharing memories of a long, adventurous life with your loyal, accepting, unconditionally loving friend than with another.
He's a guy I've known of for several years now. We share a lot of personal thoughts and feelings with each other, and we met through an online forum (non-dating, special topic site). We've never dated nor entertained any romantic thoughts or actions with one another, but I am attracted to him. I can't imagine him being such a close friend to me, and then someday not having his friendship anymore because I met another guy, who subsequently puts Dave out of the picture. I think about that often and it just doesn't make sense. It actually makes me sad, not happy that I could find someone, marry him, and live happily, and it not be Dave. I'm supposed to foolishly believe that someday I'll meet a stranger who knows nothing about me, and end up in love with him, virtually ending my friendship with my friend who I have built a strong and loyal rapport with for a long time. I can't see Dave ever being out of the picture and not in my life, and this causes me to see him, and our friendship, in a different perspective; one where I want this person close to me for a very, very, very long time. He's wearing some pretty big shoes being my friend right now, and my mind doesn't see anyone else filling them.
Why can't we just become romantically involved, too? You know? Close friends who share everything with each other - well let's just start living together since we get along so well and enjoy many of the same things. Well, I don't know, maybe we can start holding hands when we're walking around together, too, because we are friends after all, and I want someone to hold my hand. Heck, while we're at it, we both want affection and passionate intimacy with someone special, why not just fulfill those needs for one another, too? At the end of the day, why can't we just end up being life-long companions - although I think these days they're called "spouses" or summin' like'kat.
Why can't we really good friends just let ourselves become so fond of each other that we end up loving each other our entire lives? Is that so bad?
Anyway, Dave is friendly. To everyone. He, two lovebirds, and another long time friend of his - a female - planned a movie night together, and he quickly invited me. I couldn't join them, and prayed to the high cosmos that it could not happen without me there. It was cancelled. After long thought and hesitation to avoid an awkward proposal for a movie night with just the two of us, I asked (e-mailed) him if just the two of us could have our own movie night.
Why did I feel so awkward just asking to watch a movie? I thought to myself there must be something else there. I really try not to fantasize about him as a lover or think of him as anything more someday, because usually that's just a pipe dream. I want to stay focused on the reality of the present. And presently I just can't shake the significance I give to this guy's role in my life. Every guy I see, and interact with, I compare to him. If it's a blonde, I defer back to what Dave looks like. If it's a really generous and outgoing person, I defer back to what Dave is like. This is becoming a pleasant annoyance for me, that any man I pass or who speaks to me, I'll always compare him to Dave for some reason and think his looks and thoughts are superior; although Dave has very common and plain but handsome physical features, and there a million men within 500 square miles who look just like or very similar to him, he stands out like the best of all, simply because of the way I know him and the way he knows me and makes me feel, and he is so flawed.
I really don't want a romantic relationship right now, not even with Dave. But eventually I do, and I just can't see anyone filling his place. I can't see him not being around or being put on a back burner to some other guy. It would be unfair for me to end up in love with some other guy, but always still thinking of Dave. I think I just need to be sure. I like our friendship, but I want to start being more physically close to him.
I guess it's my age and longing for affection of someone already close to me that's finally revealing itself, and I should cool it. Keep it hidden forever? Where has that ever gotten anyone?
Why can't close friends just end up together? I'm sure they can - if they really want to.
"I don't want to be romantic with the best person in my life right now, eewwww, gross."
"God forbid we have to, like, do all these nice things for and with each other that makes us feel all, like, good and stuff."
"Screw that, I'd rather start all over with a complete stranger who won't be able to stand my annoying imperfections for one minute. I can change them, instead."
All of the latter seems so illogical when compared with just being in love together and sharing memories of a long, adventurous life with your loyal, accepting, unconditionally loving friend than with another.
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