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Welcome to my misanthropic journey through life. Is it almost over? God I hope so.
Welcome to my misanthropic journey through life. Is it almost over? God I hope so.
I am going to spin the Earth off its axis
Posted 08-27-2016 at 05:46 AM by peebola
Seriously.
How may you ask?
I have decided to shake up my resume and [gasp] put on it every job I have ever worked (all 22 of them over the past 32 years). Also (and this is the Earth shaking part) I am going to put my photo on my resume.
See, I told you I am going to spin the Earth off its axis.
I know...I know...a photo on a resume is unheard of and think of all the bad things that will happen, it is downright scary and crazy:
1. The hiring manager will see I am an old f$%k and toss my resume into the delete folder, saving me time and gas money going on a useless interview where they gasp and scowl when they see my gray hair and wrinkles.
2. The hiring manager will not like my face (OK, thinks I am ugly, which is OK with me) and toss my resume into the delete folder, saving me time and gas money going on a useless interview where they gasp and scowl when they see my ugly face.
Now...everyone knows that if you don't know anyone who can get you a job, getting hired nowadays is all about personality, age and how you look. By putting my photo on my resume I am giving the hiring manager a heads up on two of the three hiring criteria: age and looks, before he/she ever calls me in for an interview. It is a win/win situation. They don't have to waste their time interviewing ugly grandma, and I don't have to waste my time going on an interview where they have no intention on hiring an ugly grandma.
Plus, putting all my jobs on my resume, including years worked, salary, address, supervisor, etc., will elimainate them trying to determine if I am a job hopper -- well it is right there, in black and white on my resume.
Oh...another thing that will spin the Earth off its axis -- I have a 5 page resume. I call it my BAR (Big A** Resume). Can I really fit 32 years worth of skills and employment history on one page? I think not. I have put all of my skills on the first page (along with my contact info and photo). Then I have 3 pages of work experience. On the last page I have put my education (three degrees that no hiring manager has ever commented on), my interests (including a link to my animation web page, should anyone be interested, of which no one will be), and my references.
The hiring manager has everything he/she needs on my BAR to determine if I am a good fit for their company, before they even call me in for an interview. Saves them time, saves me time. Win-Win!
Will I get a call for an interview with my new BAR?
Hell no. That is not how the world works.
Unless...there is some weird hiring manager who thinks my BAR is hilarious and will take a chance on ugly, old, job-hopping grandma. If that ever should happen, that is the company I want to work for.
Hey, it could happen...at least in my fantasy world.
How may you ask?
I have decided to shake up my resume and [gasp] put on it every job I have ever worked (all 22 of them over the past 32 years). Also (and this is the Earth shaking part) I am going to put my photo on my resume.
See, I told you I am going to spin the Earth off its axis.
I know...I know...a photo on a resume is unheard of and think of all the bad things that will happen, it is downright scary and crazy:
1. The hiring manager will see I am an old f$%k and toss my resume into the delete folder, saving me time and gas money going on a useless interview where they gasp and scowl when they see my gray hair and wrinkles.
2. The hiring manager will not like my face (OK, thinks I am ugly, which is OK with me) and toss my resume into the delete folder, saving me time and gas money going on a useless interview where they gasp and scowl when they see my ugly face.
Now...everyone knows that if you don't know anyone who can get you a job, getting hired nowadays is all about personality, age and how you look. By putting my photo on my resume I am giving the hiring manager a heads up on two of the three hiring criteria: age and looks, before he/she ever calls me in for an interview. It is a win/win situation. They don't have to waste their time interviewing ugly grandma, and I don't have to waste my time going on an interview where they have no intention on hiring an ugly grandma.
Plus, putting all my jobs on my resume, including years worked, salary, address, supervisor, etc., will elimainate them trying to determine if I am a job hopper -- well it is right there, in black and white on my resume.
Oh...another thing that will spin the Earth off its axis -- I have a 5 page resume. I call it my BAR (Big A** Resume). Can I really fit 32 years worth of skills and employment history on one page? I think not. I have put all of my skills on the first page (along with my contact info and photo). Then I have 3 pages of work experience. On the last page I have put my education (three degrees that no hiring manager has ever commented on), my interests (including a link to my animation web page, should anyone be interested, of which no one will be), and my references.
The hiring manager has everything he/she needs on my BAR to determine if I am a good fit for their company, before they even call me in for an interview. Saves them time, saves me time. Win-Win!
Will I get a call for an interview with my new BAR?
Hell no. That is not how the world works.
Unless...there is some weird hiring manager who thinks my BAR is hilarious and will take a chance on ugly, old, job-hopping grandma. If that ever should happen, that is the company I want to work for.
Hey, it could happen...at least in my fantasy world.
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