Explains why you end up with unavailable partners, and gives advice on breaking the pattern.
Why Aren't You Hearing About Your Partner's Availability?
Posted 04-22-2009 at 06:54 PM by Doctor Jeanette
The sound of the key opening the apartment door made Justin’s mouth water with anticipation for the smile of joy on his wife’s face. He could almost feel the pressure of her body, the tickle of her hair and the beat of her heart as she threw her arms around him. He had been looking forward to this welcome home hug for days. What he got made him sick to his stomach. :eek:
“Hi!” Norma said, briefly looking his way, before she continued working on the computer.
“That’s a nice way to greet me! Don’t even get a hug!” Justin questioned his importance to his wife.
“ You are going away again in a couple of days so I have my wall up.” Norma said in defense.
“ Well, ********* and your wall! All I wanted was a wife who is happy to have me home. Is it too much to expect a hug and a kiss?” he erupted. Justin [URL="http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com"]protested loudly[/URL] as his idyllic image of being the center of Norma’s attention was shattered.
Husband and wife both retreated to their corners feeling misunderstood, and uncomfortable. Both wanted the other to be the first to make overtures and smooth over the rough spots.
Neither of them are emotionally available to the other, creating a serious rift in their relationship. So what’s going on?
[B]Justin’s Angle[/B]
In his mind he had envisioned his partner as thrilled to see him as he was to be back with her. That’s all he wanted to see. He didn’t want any other bits of her that would spoil the picture. He especially didn’t want to see her as vulnerable, fearful, or messy! When he got more than he bargained for, he was livid. He felt cheated and wished she could put her own stuff on the side and give him what he needed at that moment.
[B]Norma’s Angle[/B]
It was awful being away from Justin the past few days. Norma couldn’t wait to have him home. But the minute he opened the door something went numb inside her. All her excitement and joy turned into a threat. If she gave into those feelings it would be intolerable to have to tear herself away again as they split for his next trip two days away. Better to stay walled up than to taste him for just a little while and have the meal snatched away.
[B]What’s Left Unseen and Unsaid That Could Make Them Available To One Another?[/B]
[U][I]1. Norma's conflict[/I][/U]
Implicit in Norma’s message was that she wanted him so badly, she couldn’t bear to have him for a minute and then lose him again. She desperately wanted to hold him and never let him go. But she knew she would have to relinquish him again very soon, so she put the emotional brakes on.
2.[U][I] Imagining You Are Alone In Your Feelings[/I][/U]
If Justin saw and felt the love embedded in Norma’s explanation for her cold greeting, he would be able to share the same fear inside him. Then she wouldn’t feel bad about it, or alone with it. That would bring them together in sharing the comfort of intimacy and the pain of separation. Reading between and under the lines is the secret of emotional availability. :ok:
3. [U][I]Wanting Only The Good Bits
[/I][/U]Justin's wish for a warm greeting is very natural and understandable. But he wanted the hug and not any other part of his wife. Treating her like the many faceted and complex feeling woman that she is will help him accept her love in ways that aren't limited to hugs on demand. His experience will be richer and longer lasting.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
“Hi!” Norma said, briefly looking his way, before she continued working on the computer.
“That’s a nice way to greet me! Don’t even get a hug!” Justin questioned his importance to his wife.
“ You are going away again in a couple of days so I have my wall up.” Norma said in defense.
“ Well, ********* and your wall! All I wanted was a wife who is happy to have me home. Is it too much to expect a hug and a kiss?” he erupted. Justin [URL="http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com"]protested loudly[/URL] as his idyllic image of being the center of Norma’s attention was shattered.
Husband and wife both retreated to their corners feeling misunderstood, and uncomfortable. Both wanted the other to be the first to make overtures and smooth over the rough spots.
Neither of them are emotionally available to the other, creating a serious rift in their relationship. So what’s going on?
[B]Justin’s Angle[/B]
In his mind he had envisioned his partner as thrilled to see him as he was to be back with her. That’s all he wanted to see. He didn’t want any other bits of her that would spoil the picture. He especially didn’t want to see her as vulnerable, fearful, or messy! When he got more than he bargained for, he was livid. He felt cheated and wished she could put her own stuff on the side and give him what he needed at that moment.
[B]Norma’s Angle[/B]
It was awful being away from Justin the past few days. Norma couldn’t wait to have him home. But the minute he opened the door something went numb inside her. All her excitement and joy turned into a threat. If she gave into those feelings it would be intolerable to have to tear herself away again as they split for his next trip two days away. Better to stay walled up than to taste him for just a little while and have the meal snatched away.
[B]What’s Left Unseen and Unsaid That Could Make Them Available To One Another?[/B]
[U][I]1. Norma's conflict[/I][/U]
Implicit in Norma’s message was that she wanted him so badly, she couldn’t bear to have him for a minute and then lose him again. She desperately wanted to hold him and never let him go. But she knew she would have to relinquish him again very soon, so she put the emotional brakes on.
2.[U][I] Imagining You Are Alone In Your Feelings[/I][/U]
If Justin saw and felt the love embedded in Norma’s explanation for her cold greeting, he would be able to share the same fear inside him. Then she wouldn’t feel bad about it, or alone with it. That would bring them together in sharing the comfort of intimacy and the pain of separation. Reading between and under the lines is the secret of emotional availability. :ok:
3. [U][I]Wanting Only The Good Bits
[/I][/U]Justin's wish for a warm greeting is very natural and understandable. But he wanted the hug and not any other part of his wife. Treating her like the many faceted and complex feeling woman that she is will help him accept her love in ways that aren't limited to hugs on demand. His experience will be richer and longer lasting.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
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