Another Deadly Sin? What's with the Guilt!?
Posted 08-20-2009 at 03:39 AM by LookinForMayberry
Yesterday, we'd PLANNED to go to Niagara Falls before it got too hot and crowded, so we could be home mid-day. My DH decided to go fishing before we went, and well -- we got there at 11:30. It was packed with people, it was FULL SUN, and it was HOT. I totally LOST it, and went into FULL VENT. I was totally lost in my anger, cut off from my DH, the beauty of the morning (despite the discomfort), and most importantly, from all sense of my in-dwelling God.
Then, I immediately recognized (from years of Christian training) that I had yet again fell trap to the sin of Wrath, and was as fully immersed in the sense of total GUILT.
I bit my tongue, pressed my lips together, and prayed for forgiveness. I prayed for release from the anger and resentment -- all out hostility I was feeling. We drove home in silence. I was miserable.
Back home in the A/C, showered and relieved from the discomfort of the sun burning my skin, I listened to the podcast on WRATH. When it was finished and I was fully reconnected spiritually, I went to apologize to my DH. Of course he accepted me with welcome arms.
And then, this morning as I considered the day spent, I started to wonder. Why is it that Buddhist & Hindu trainings just acknowledge our human foibles and show us that there is a karmic consequence for our poorly chosen behaviors, but Christianity has to have GUILT? I thought about this a lot, and realized that it is why I've been repelled from the Christian churches from the beginning. It was why early in my life I decided I would be atheist (and eventually proved myself wrong). I just cannot accept a spiritual counsel that makes me feel BAD.
The more I considered it, I realized it isn't just Christianity, but the Jewish -- and the Islamic teachings, and it fosters the need for sacrifice. From my perspective, the need to sacrifice to atone for one's feelings of guilt is the basis for most of Westerner's barbaric behavior.
Ultimately, it negates Christ's message of Love, Peace, and Joy.
So, I've come to conclude that while there is much wisdom in the Judeo-Christian and Islamic teachings, until they can get over the barbaric tendency to relieve their guilt with sacrifice, I just cannot go there. I know I won't be missed, and it frees me to work on correcting my behavior immediately, without all the bad feelings.
Praise God for working through the growth with me.
Then, I immediately recognized (from years of Christian training) that I had yet again fell trap to the sin of Wrath, and was as fully immersed in the sense of total GUILT.
I bit my tongue, pressed my lips together, and prayed for forgiveness. I prayed for release from the anger and resentment -- all out hostility I was feeling. We drove home in silence. I was miserable.
Back home in the A/C, showered and relieved from the discomfort of the sun burning my skin, I listened to the podcast on WRATH. When it was finished and I was fully reconnected spiritually, I went to apologize to my DH. Of course he accepted me with welcome arms.
And then, this morning as I considered the day spent, I started to wonder. Why is it that Buddhist & Hindu trainings just acknowledge our human foibles and show us that there is a karmic consequence for our poorly chosen behaviors, but Christianity has to have GUILT? I thought about this a lot, and realized that it is why I've been repelled from the Christian churches from the beginning. It was why early in my life I decided I would be atheist (and eventually proved myself wrong). I just cannot accept a spiritual counsel that makes me feel BAD.
The more I considered it, I realized it isn't just Christianity, but the Jewish -- and the Islamic teachings, and it fosters the need for sacrifice. From my perspective, the need to sacrifice to atone for one's feelings of guilt is the basis for most of Westerner's barbaric behavior.
Ultimately, it negates Christ's message of Love, Peace, and Joy.
So, I've come to conclude that while there is much wisdom in the Judeo-Christian and Islamic teachings, until they can get over the barbaric tendency to relieve their guilt with sacrifice, I just cannot go there. I know I won't be missed, and it frees me to work on correcting my behavior immediately, without all the bad feelings.
Praise God for working through the growth with me.
Total Comments 4
Comments
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None of my comments are intended to be negative towards you, but to help you think about your actions. I am familiar with the pain you have suffered in your life and understand that. I am just speaking from my heart and my experience.
You were right to throw off the guilt.
Guilt and fear are the biggest tools of the devil (or your karma or whatever belief you choose to indulge in) because they stop you from going forward.
However, you need to stop looking outside yourself and take a good look at the cause of your guilt. Also you need to understand why the main point of your guilt was that it made you feel bad and you never thought about others that you hurt.
You said that this trip was your idea and how your DH indulged you. He must be successful in order to do that in such luxury and for such a long period of time. Yet you have enjoyed very little of this trip because you are constantly complaining about things that don't even matter. You don't speak up and say you would prefer not to do something and instead, when it is not what you thought, you make yourself feel better by hurting others especially your DH. I imagine by now he just tunes you out and pays no attention because he realizes you will eventually apologize and he can be the hero by forgiving you, but each time you do it you cut another hole in your relationship. Please don't think otherwise, because you would be doing yourself a disservice. The fact that he is off doing things on his own should tell you he is happy to be away from you.
This is the real world and everything is not about you. You are acting like a spoiled brat and acting out like a child. Do you really think your DH deserves to be the vessel for the pain you suffered as a child? Just like my mother did to me?
Others have needs and wants too.
Your DH is the perfect target for those hundreds of hot 30 something women who are willing to do anything to please a man if he is willing to take care of them. He is human too and the more you abuse his love the more open he will be to someone else. No matter what he tells you, don't kid yourself. You are not getting any younger or any more attractive. Unless you are footing the bill for all this, you have no power.
You don't need to be looking to others or religion for your salvation. First, you need to take a good long hard look in the mirror and decide if you are worthy to be as blessed as you are. It is time for a little humility on your part. It is time for you to see the good in every situation and push away your ego, your past and the bad things. If you no longer love your DH, it is at least time for you to respect him for all he does for you.
I know you may never talk to me again, and at your request, I will respectfully never post on your blog again, but has this needed to be said for a long time. I am already widowed and have nothing. I would give my eye teeth if my husband had not died when I was 39. I would love to have someone like your DH and after 20 years of a successful marriage, I would know how to make him happy. But, like you I am not getting any younger so probably don't have a chance against the younger competition. You have a lot to loose if you don't step outside of yourself and wake up.Posted 08-20-2009 at 11:39 PM by yukiko11
Updated 08-21-2009 at 03:48 AM by yukiko11 -
Thank you, Yukiko11. I appreciate your honest assessment, and I guess you are probably right on most of your points. I have taken them to heart. Even if I don't learn to be a better person, I have at least now had the benefit of knowing what it's like to be on the "receiving end."
I notice that you rarely post on your blog, and never about your weaknesses. I also noticed that you removed your public messages, so I am answering here. Perhaps we BOTH have things to examine and correct in ourselves.
You are welcome to keep posting comments, and I promise to keep reading them, and taking them to heart. I honestly report who I am at a given time, openly subjecting myself to others feedback, because that learning and sharing is important to me. I know I have things to learn and change, and that's why I do this.
Never, in my entire life, have I ever thought it was ALL ABOUT ME. I write about me, because it is only ME that I want to change.
And, BTW, I do love my husband, and he KNOWS I love him, but loving someone never means you have to accept things that disturb the relationship's harmony. He, too, has things to adjust, and we work together to help each other.
You are choosing to remain alone. Even today, you have the option of finding another companion. Perhaps you are closing yourself off from others because of your own selfish desire to stay inside the pity party of your own making, rather than be grateful of your gifts?
As I've stated elsewhere, it is usually what we don't like about ourselves that we find to dislike and want to change in others.
Thank you, again.Posted 08-21-2009 at 03:59 AM by LookinForMayberry
Updated 08-21-2009 at 04:05 AM by LookinForMayberry (Grammer and logical arrangement corrections.) -
I don't post on my blog because I have nothing interesting to say or ask.
I am alone, because I have not found anyone that I could love they way I loved my husband. In my heart, I am still married to him. I am not sad, but forever greatful for having such a great realtionship. I never say never, and my heart is always open, but only time will tell if I ever get another chance. I certainly don't feel sorry for myself.
My public messages are all there for anyone to see. I don't understand why you cannot see them. I have put two people on my ignore list because one was angry and one was a religious fanatic but they only amounted to about 4 entries out of over 100.
My post was about you, don't try to distract yourself from the truth by turning it on anyone else. You are good at placing blame.
I am nothing like you and that is why I find your behavior to be shocking. At our age, we should be mellow and ready to enjoy whatever life brings. I am enjoying that. Too bad you aren't.Posted 08-21-2009 at 04:25 AM by yukiko11
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Well your private message saying "whatever" tells it all. As I answered you. I will never read or post on your blog again, because you are too proud to realize the truth. I hope you don't have to reap the rewards of your selfishness.
Only princesses have perfect lives and only in fairy tales.Posted 08-21-2009 at 05:10 AM by yukiko11
