A Crossroads ... A Milestone

The older you get, the wider your perspective appears to become. One's thoughts and ideas about life when they were in their teens definately is not the same as their thoughts and ideas about life in their 30s, at least I would hope not. One's life experiences can enrich their viewpoint or they can dim a once bright optimisim.

Thankfully (maybe?) I was a born pessimist. There was only one way to go... up. I believe I have progressed away from being a pessimist into a more prudent individual. I don't think I've made it to a point where I always see the good in others or expect only good things. Being a Christian you may think I should. You may say to yourself, aren't Christians supposed to be optimists about life and others and only see the good in others? Well, sorry to disappoint (yet again).

Yes, I see joy in life. Yes, I can see good in others and in deeds. However, it's not my default setting. Sometimes my first reaction is what's the alterior motive? Sometimes I think they're only doing it because (fill in the blank). It's hard for me to just take people and their actions for what they are, their face value.

Maybe that is because of my life experiences. I've always had to question who was doing what for whom and why. I'm a skeptic when it comes to "good deeds". I even question my motives. Self-doubting Thomas, I suppose.

So what does all that have to do with the title of this entry? Well, I'm at a crossroads and upon a milestone -- both happening near simultaneously -- in my life.

Milestone = another year older
Crossroads = life situation

My expectations about where I'd be at this point in my life don't match the reality. I think I know what to do to change that, but I hesitate. I have decisions to make and I feel paralized. I don't know which way to go or what to do about any of it.

Then comes the crossroads. I've found myself at this intersection previously. I believed I made the correct turn then, but now I question that. If I had made the correct turn, how did I end up back here again? Why wasn't the first decision the right one? If it was the right one, maybe a secondary choice cause the 'loop' back to this point. Tension and anxiety come along as I work my thoughts out about what to do. It's not an easy choice and it has ramifications for my entire family, immediate and extended.

Hence all my rambling about life experiences, life perspective and my view on those. Am I doing what is right for me because it's the right thing or did I think I'd get something out of it and now that it hasn't panned out, what now? Did I do what I did, which I now have to re-evaluate and decide again, not to rock the boat and have others pleased and think highly of me (alterior motive) or did I honestly think it was the right decision that has now blown up in my face?

I know no one can answer these things for me except me. Especially how purposefully vague I have been about them. I seriously wonder why I put this on here, as I suspect anyone who reads this will be totaly lost and confused. Well, it's the expression of my jumbled thoughts, a free flow of thinking put "to paper" as it were. I know what it means. It may have helped just to ponder over it "out loud".

Well, I'll sign off for now. Blessings to all (and I mean that sincerely).