Journalism class 1960...(cont.)Part 4

Previously..... I am glad to be leaving this big, dirty town, yet I am embarrassed to be going back home. Home? We have no home. Where will we stay? I vow that I will return home just long enough to put the next step of my plan to work, and I feel lighter and ask Dad what time we leave......

We arrive back "home" at dusk and we collect our suitcases once again from the back of the bus..This time no one is waiting to take us somewhere to spend the night..We are just a block or two from the apartment where my older sister, her husband and new baby live..Dad tells me to go there and stay with them until I find a job..Did he call her? Did he tell her I would be at her door with my few belongings? I doubted it.. I say goodbye to them and I see a hint of encouragement and love in my moms eyes, but she was never one to hug us or say "I love you", but she showed it in so many ways that I never doubted her..Dad hands me three dollars in his proud way of letting me know that he was still in charge and he says it would buy my lunches at whatever job I could get until payday..

I am glad it is dusk and supper time when the lights come on in the big, old, beautifully kept up homes with their big front porches and big windows in this small country town..Once again I intrude by looking into the windows of these homes and seeing the family within as I make my way to my sisters apartment..Sometimes I see a dad with his newspaper and a child nearby playing..Sometimes I hear the happy voices from the backyards as the children are beginning to wind down from a day full of just being a child and having no cares in the world..Sometimes I smell the aroma of a delicious meal being prepared for the families within, by the wife and Mother who makes a house a home..I see a woman come out to the porch and hear her call her child home for supper and I am struck with a sense of great loneliness..
I pass the home of a former classmate, I catch a glimpse of her and her mom setting the table..They are smiling and seem to be sharing a mother/daughter moment of intimacy..I hurry by, because I feel afraid they will notice me..

My sister opens the door and is shocked to see me there with my suitcase..Her husband is sitting in his favorite chair holding the beautiful baby girl whom I love so much..I am glad that she has a home and a mother who is open, talkative, and fun and a dad who goes to work every day and is saving to build a house for his family..My sister asks where mom and dad are..I shrug my shoulders and say that they didn't say where they would be..She is glad that our little sister is staying in Columbus and will finish this year and her senior year there and graduate with her friends. I am agreeing..I pray her plan will work out for her..That evening my sister shows me the local newspaper she has been saving for me..It shows photos of my graduating class waving from the steps of the Capitol building in Washington Dc, where they went on the senior trip, it showed pictures of the Senior prom and promised a full coverage of the graduation ceremonies in just a few days..

It is late now and everyone has gone to bed, I sit here on the sofa that will be my bed for just a little while. I am writing down my thoughts in the form of poetry as I often do in great times of stress, happiness or grief..Tonight I am writing down what I desire for the rest of my life..It looks like a simple desire and others would criticize me later on for my choice, saying that in this country and with the changing in the roles of women not but a couple years away that I should focus on "making" something of myself..I reread what I have written and I am certain I have made the right choice for my life and I feel joy and peace when I imagine my future..The last sentence I wrote will keep me awake several hours..I had written.."I must first be able to go away and learn to survive, and to assure myself that my plan is the right plan"..I know in my heart what I desire for my life, but will I make all the right decisions or will I make terrible mistakes, will I be able to be me and not my mom, whom I love, but do not want her life or her ways for myself..how do I do that.

I am tired from lack of sleep last night as I walk the 5 blocks to the shoe store where I once worked part time, but quit to work at the root beer stand because of my school schedule..I am now able to work full time and they are paying close to a dollar an hour...I am glad that they were happy to hire me now that I was available for full time..The manager asks if I am going to nursing school or secretarial school in the fall..I assure him that I have no college plans and he seems delighted as he puts me on the schedule to begin tomorrow..I will assume my old routine of fitting shoes to different sizes of mens, women and childrens feet, the endless restocking of the inventory and cleaning the store after closing, while the manager sits in the office smoking and doing his paper work..

I have one more thing to do before I go back to the apartment and play with my neice and help my sister and I walk in the direction of the post office and the small green office beside it with large posters in the windows, I feel very excited and hasten my steps, because I am determined to make this change in order to take my first step into the future, a better future, a happy future, a future I have dreamed about all my life..

I know people will not approve of what I am doing and my parents will probably be ashamed of my actions, and my brother would be furious....It is my life, my decision I tell myself as I open the door to the Army recruiting station..