Days as a Selfish

Just up to a year ago, I was always selfish. I didn't think beyond my own pain. Others would say that I used to be a completely closed off and withdrawn and even avoidant.

At the same time, there was this sense of loneliness that I was trying to deny. Even though, I was not that bad to be around, I wanted to make sure that any of my interactions with others were brief so I don't bring them down in some way.

Also, I paid very little attention to any idea that anyone would want to be around me or at least want me to at least acknowledge him or her.

I also had some kind of paranoia about me that would have turned anyone off had I gone out for people. I'm surprised I hadn't been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. (A counselor told me that I was suffering a physical problem and not a mental problem)

As a result of being self absorbed, I lived in a perpetually miserable state. I was not only miserable, but I was also nearly suicidal.

It was a mess, I wanted to be alone and at the same time, I wanted good friends. Thanks to a combination of my messed up mindset and the type of messages I always received from others (more my mindset), I have pretty much sabotaged my life up until about a year ago.