My Long Struggle with a Tormenting Sleep Disorder

Posted 10-28-2014 at 08:02 AM by R. Crusoe
Updated 12-13-2015 at 12:09 AM by R. Crusoe

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I had a thread in the Health and Wellness forum regarding the torturous symptoms of my long term sleep disorder. I used it to get advice, suggestions on possible treatment and to record their variations, frequency and intensity as they hit me every night, so that I can gauge the illness and predict how bad it would be on a given night. It was important to me and my illness, though the moderator might not think so.

But for some unknown reason it disappeared mysteriously. I didn't ask for it to be removed. No one from CD had notified me about removing it. I don't really know what had happened to it. I can only assume that it was pulled by the moderator without my knowledge. Strange enough, it was the only one that got taken away from me. All my other threads are still there, including those which receive zero response.

It was just a thread about my illness and nothing else. There was nothing offensive in it. Few members had actually given me some thoughtful comments. There is absolutely no reason why it should be removed from the forum. There is no justification for its removal. It wasn't a new thread. I'd used it for quite some time already. Why now? Why didn't it get removed earlier? I wonder. The whole thing is very suspicious, to say the least.

Anyway, that's why I've decided to start this blog thinking perhaps it is a more appropriate channel for such a thing. I intend to post regularly, especially those nights which I suffer most terribly, so that I can have a medical record of how I suffer from this torturous sleep disorder, and hopefully I can learn to find a way to make it go away one day. I wish a happy ending to this blog.

I don't expect this blog to be read widely. It is more for myself and nobody else. However, feel free to post a comment or make any suggestion if you want.

Thanks in advance

BTW, I apologize in advance that I can't freely disclose or name the exact locations in my entries below for fear that it might be perceived as criticism. I can only use words like City or Country instead. Sorry for any confusion caused. Perhaps it is worth mentioning that I'm an expat working in the Far East. It may help put things in perspective. (Dec 2015)

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Comments

1. 	The end of 2014 will soon be here. It will be officially eleven years by March 2015, eleven torturous and helpless years with my sleep disorder that I have to endure silently. I pray to God that it will end soon.
   	Posted 11-16-2014 at 09:01 PM by R. Crusoe Updated 12-13-2015 at 12:36 AM by R. Crusoe

2. In the meantime, the symptoms of my sleep disorder continued to drag on night after night for a long period of time. They had intensified to a point that it actually caused me great physical pain. The muscular pulsation that felt like someone was poking me with a stick had always been strong, but it got even stronger as time went by. One night in April 2008, just few days before Easter, the pain had become so excruciating that it was more like a full-on physical assault to my body than a mere symptom of an illness. It really felt like a horrific torture. It is the only way I can describe it. I was in great fear not only for my health, but also my life at that point. I simply didn't know what was happening to me. It was pure physical violence. I went to sleep that night at the usual time. I was utterly exhausted from the chronic fatigue caused by recurrent sleep deprivation. Less than ten minutes into my sleep a really strong force suddenly hit me at the back of my head right at the very moment I actually fell asleep, as if it was deliberate and precisely timed by a person. The force was exceedingly powerful, which physically felt like I was being hit by an actual blunt object such as a hammer, or falling backward hitting the back of my head on a concrete pavement. It was excruciatingly painful, to say the least. The area of pain was roughly the size of a grown man’s fist. Such unspeakable cruelty had repeated itself numerous times in the next half hour or so. It caused me mental confusion, nausea and severe headache. My head literally felt like it was going to explode from within. No human being should ever experience what I had endured. I wouldn't even wish it upon my worst enemy. It was utterly inhuman what my illness had put me through that night.

   Posted 11-17-2014 at 09:28 PM by R. Crusoe Updated 12-13-2015 at 12:37 AM by R. Crusoe

3. I mentioned earlier that there was noise problem in my new apartment, and the situation was similar to that in the previous one. Back in the old apartment I did make numerous complaints to the security guard on duty at night, but of course he wasn't much help being the employee of the residents and all. Desperately needing help I called the police couple times. Prior to all that I visited my neighbours, whom I suspected the noise was from at night, inquiring politely about it, but to no avail. It was the same thing in the new apartment. I made the same complaints and called the police again for help. Apparently nothing had changed for the better. In fact, it had gone much worse. Things continued to deteriorate. Everything seemed to lead to that horrible night in April 2008.

   Posted 11-19-2014 at 07:06 AM by R. Crusoe Updated 12-13-2015 at 12:39 AM by R. Crusoe

4. I was deeply scarred and traumatized by the sudden violent manifestation of my illness that night. The aftermath of the whole endeavor gave me PTSD-liked symptom that had lasted to this day. I'm still struggling to deal with some aspects of it, which I haven't quite recovered after all these years. I probably never will. It had fundamentally changed my view toward life and people. My only consolation at the time was that Easter was just a few days away. It reminded me what Jesus had been through back then. Obviously my experience was simply not comparable to His. It was just a sad coincidence. I had been through two apartments between 2002 and 2008, and experienced two different groups of locals as my neighbours. In both cases I never had any direct contact with them. Our interaction was less than minimal. We simply didn't know each other at all. And yet for some unknown reason they chose to take the initiative to demonstrate to me personally how rude and inconsiderate they could be. It wasn't like we were in some kind of open conflict or argument. I never wronged them before. I barely met them in the public area. So I really didn't know, and still don't, what justified their apparent hostility and deliberate provocation toward my person. What had I done to them to deserve such foul treatment? It seemed like some unknown hatred had been spread around me by strangers I didn't know ever since that terrible night inside the hotel I was briefly staying during a business trip in the far Eastern country. I could sense some really negative vibe from people around me shortly after I came back from it. It made me feel like I was purposely singled out, isolated and discriminated for no reason at all. Honest to God, I never did anyone any harm. I was just minding my own business everyday. But somehow people seemed to form some secret judgement behind my back and decide to hate me for their own purpose. It was just a feeling with no supporting proof obviously, but that was how I felt at the time. Anyway, few months after that traumatic night in April 2008, my landlord came to me and requested to have the apartment back for her personal use. So I moved out from there near the end of 2008. That was the sixth year of my staying in this Crimson City of Cold Cold Concrete and Glass.

   Posted 11-20-2014 at 05:39 AM by R. Crusoe Updated 12-13-2015 at 12:43 AM by R. Crusoe

5. It was a rather disconcerting experience to be unjustly targeted, villainized and conspired against by my so-called neighbours, which were basically people I didn't know, in a City I no longer recognized. They were the kind of people who, given a chance, would love to pry into other people's private affairs, control and manipulate others for their own advantage. The only reason I even mentioned them was because they were part of the problem related to the actual sleep disorder of mine. I do not wish to mention them ever again after this post.

   Posted 11-21-2014 at 06:36 AM by R. Crusoe Updated 12-13-2015 at 12:45 AM by R. Crusoe

6. I've just learned that there is a new technology out there using electromagnetic to generate pulses on muscles. It requires an electrical device and direct physical contact to feel the pulses. One person who had tried it on her head described it as having "a wood pecker pecking on her head". Strange enough, this sounds very close to one of my symptoms. I wonder if ambient electromagnetic field has anything to do with my sleep disorder. Someone did say to me once that some people are more sensitive to that kind of thing in his or her immediate surrounding. Just a wild thought, my desperate attempt to find a cure.

   Posted 11-22-2014 at 07:05 AM by R. Crusoe Updated 12-13-2015 at 12:46 AM by R. Crusoe

7. In another demonstration, a doctor placed the electromagnetic device right above the palm of a person and pressed the button. Her thumb twitched immediately. It wasn't a small subtle twitch. It was a strong obvious one. This is eerily similar to the neck and shoulder jerk I'd experienced during sleep at night. Only mind was much more powerful than what was demonstrated. If the doctor was using medical grade equipment, the force I'd experienced would definitely be of weapon grade in comparison. I strongly believe that electromagnetic force or something similar is one of the key factors or primary causes of my sleep disorder. If only I could find out.....

   Posted 11-22-2014 at 08:27 PM by R. Crusoe Updated 12-13-2015 at 12:46 AM by R. Crusoe

8. 	Feel awful today. It used to be on Friday's nights and weekends that my symptoms got rough on me. But lately they got rough during week days as well. It seems to be the new trend in the past month. Just got a twitch on my leg as I'm writing this, this is one of the symptoms that attack beyond sleep time. What evil thing it is.
   	Posted 11-24-2014 at 04:40 AM by R. Crusoe Updated 04-25-2015 at 10:05 PM by R. Crusoe

9. There are only two kinds of day for me: bad or worse day. I feel terrible everyday. It's just the matter of how bad it is. It had been like this for more than ten years. It is sadly a fact of my life. Few new symptoms had been developed between the end of 2008 and today, namely the popping noise in/on ears, eye pain and sleep apnea-liked suffocation. I don't have enough energy to write about them now. Perhaps later.

   Posted 11-26-2014 at 05:36 AM by R. Crusoe Updated 12-13-2015 at 12:47 AM by R. Crusoe

10. This popping sound in/on my ears started shortly after I moved in to my third apartment in 2008 (if I still remember it correctly). Actually, calling it a popping sound isn't entirely accurate. It is more like a mixture between a popping sound and a cracking sound, as in fire crackers. It is not just a sound. It has a sensation of pain attached to it as well. Just like other of my symptoms, it happens sporadically and in various intensity. At times, it could sound like a mini fire cracker exploding inside my ears. The sensation is a bit like an intense pecking by something sharp. The strange thing is that it happens not just inside my ears, but also on my outer ears. The same sensation can also happen all over my head as well, top and back of it, sometimes even inside my skull.

    Posted 11-28-2014 at 10:12 PM by R. Crusoe Updated 12-13-2015 at 12:47 AM by R. Crusoe

11. As for my eye pain, I've just two words to describe it: Bloody Painful. I can't remember when the first strike started. It started really strong and hurt both my eyes together at the same time. The pain came from within my eyes. I was laying flat on my back at the time, and it felt like a powerful force hitting through the back of my head and straight to back of my eyes, and then the inside of them. I have no words to describe the pain it caused me in detail. It was the first time I'd ever felt that kind of pain in my life. It was pure torture.

    Posted 12-01-2014 at 05:05 AM by R. Crusoe Updated 12-13-2015 at 12:48 AM by R. Crusoe

12. Something definitely went wrong last night. My sleep disorder had gone quite aggressive with me. I got woken up so many times. It felt like I had slept for only a short moment before I got woken up again. The cycle of falling asleep and waking up and falling asleep and waking up again was killing me. I feel absolutely dreadful. I can barely function. What the heck is wrong with me? It'd been more than ten long years. How much longer before I can be cured for good? God has mercy on me and give me strength. Amen.

    Posted 12-03-2014 at 04:51 AM by R. Crusoe Updated 12-13-2015 at 12:48 AM by R. Crusoe

13. Although my symptoms are numerous and sensations of them vary, actually they are all essentially the same. They can all be described as being hit by an invisible force. The only difference really is in the intensity. The force that hits various parts of my body ranges from sharp like a needle to wide and blunt like a hammer, but it is a force, mysterious as it is. The different sensations are the result of being hit in different parts of the body. It felt like a hammer when it hit my head, a needle when in my eyes, a cracking when in ears, pulsation when on my limbs, etc. They are all hits in different forms. If this wasn't my own illness and experience, if I had heard it from somebody else, I'd certainly believe that all these symptoms and sensations are not real, and that they're all man-made by some kind of precision instrument or weapon. I'd liken it to a gun that fires invisible forces that can create physical contacts and actually hurt people, a gun just like a real gun but with invisible bullets. But this is my own illness, my own experience however inexplicable it is. I can't think of it that way.

    Posted 12-08-2014 at 05:17 AM by R. Crusoe Updated 12-13-2015 at 12:49 AM by R. Crusoe

14. I'm really sick of my sickness. I'm sick and tired to be sick and tired all the time. I'm tired of being woken up numerous times every night. I'm sick of not being able to sleep normally and peacefully like everybody else, like a human. I feel like a hostage of my sleep disorder. Another sickening year will come to pass very soon, and another sickening one will begin shortly just like the one before and the one before that for more than ten torturous years. Life is almost meaningless when one is suffering from long term chronic illness, especially the kind that is inhuman like mine. Being able to sleep well every night is the most fundamental human thing in life. This illness of mine has taken it away from me. It has robbed me my precious health and time, the time that I ought to develop my personal life. All that had been stolen from me by this thief of illness. It's disgusting. Nothing and no one can, and will, ever be able to help me out. That's probably the worst thing of all. I absolutely suffer alone in silence. I ought to care, but I can't and don't care anymore. Life is but one never ending lousy dream, and I don't give a fig about dreams. Screw my sleep disorder and everything else. This headache is killing me. I'm dying a little everyday, and people around me, strangers and familiar faces, are watching me die slowly and painfully in front of them. They probably wonder what the heck is wrong with me, or most likely no one cares. Why should they? Why should anyone?

    Posted 12-16-2014 at 05:43 AM by R. Crusoe Updated 12-19-2014 at 11:02 PM by R. Crusoe

15. As mentioned previously, there are quite a few of what I call, for lack of proper description, "symptoms" to this sleep disorder of mine. One of them is particularly rough which is the sleep apnea-liked suffocation. It basically wakes me up at night by choking me deliberately. I would find myself half conscious with my jaw open and couldn't breathe when that happens. Something, or rather some mysterious force, would agitate my throat and block the airway which causes the suffocation. My throat would become dry and swollen up for a period time immediately afterward. Although it doesn't happen very often compared to other symptoms, it does happen from time to time. It had happened again last night in the middle of my sleep, though this time it was slightly less severe but it was still a very tormenting experience, murderous even, like someone is trying to strangle and kill me while I'm asleep. It was gravely serious as a symptom.

    Posted 12-19-2014 at 11:00 PM by R. Crusoe Updated 04-25-2015 at 10:09 PM by R. Crusoe

16. 	Something strong was hitting my eye last night in the middle of my sleep. The symptoms of my sleep disorder are so unpredictable. I can never tell why and when it would hit.
    	Posted 12-23-2014 at 09:56 PM by R. Crusoe Updated 04-25-2015 at 10:10 PM by R. Crusoe

17. 	Sharp pain had attacked my eyes more frequently in the past several nights. This sudden surge in frequency is rather alarming and unusual in the history of my sleep order. I'm not sure what is going on here.....
    	Posted 12-26-2014 at 11:39 PM by R. Crusoe

18. It is almost the end of 2014, just one more day left. Sadly, almost all symptoms of my sleep disorder persist. Despite the prolonged and continuous alternative treatment with magnesium and herbal medicine, no concrete improvement has been achieved so far. In fact, I was choked and suffocated again last night by the sleep apnea-liked symptom. I really try to be positive here like I've always been for more than ten years, but I don't see how my illness can be cured within 2015. I always hope that it will go away just as suddenly as it started in 2004. Let's hope 2015 will be the year that ends all my long suffering. Happy New Year to those of you who are interested in my long struggle. I wish you good health and normal life. You have no idea how precious they are until they are taken away from you by some mysterious illness.

    Posted 12-30-2014 at 05:32 AM by R. Crusoe Updated 12-13-2015 at 12:50 AM by R. Crusoe

19. 	Good Friday 2015. 13 years in the city. 11 years of tormenting illness. Sleep problems persist. Got woken up repeatedly during sleep. No help. No relief. Continue to pray to God that He will one day lift this evil curse from my being so that my life will be normal again. Have a great Easter this Sunday.
    	Posted 04-02-2015 at 11:56 PM by R. Crusoe Updated 12-13-2015 at 12:51 AM by R. Crusoe

20. Time flies. No, it's more like flashes by. I was just reviewing my early entries and saw the last entry in 2014. And now the end of 2015 will soon upon us. Every second of all the previous years, good or bad, went into history. It will never repeat itself again. It's gone forever. We won't be able to revisit it ever again. All it'd left us was memory. And memory is fading fast as we age. I came to this Asian City in late 2001 for what I thought a quick shopping trip and a short visit to the Oriental Country for the first time wanting to witness the so-called modernization. I returned again in late 2002, this time for work. Sadly I got sick with sleep disorder on March 2004. It is still with me to this very day disrupting my sleep every night. It'd been more than 11 years since then. It got horribly worse one night on March 2008 just before Easter. It was the most traumatic experience of my life. It'll soon be 12 years long come March 2016. The whole thing is getting too old, too repetitive and too tiresome. Come as it may, I don't even care to hope for speedy recovery this year. I am all numb with illness and fatigue, mental and physical. It is all meaningless and purposeless. That's what sickness can do to people. My long term illness and struggle continue. what's new? I'm afraid this is the end of this blog. I have no interest to make new entries any more. That's it. Take good care of yourself, my friends. Stay healthy. Don't get sick like I have. Merry Christmas & Happy New Year! I wish you all good life and good health.

    Posted 12-13-2015 at 01:13 AM by R. Crusoe Updated 12-16-2015 at 05:19 AM by R. Crusoe

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