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Knowing how your child feels now about adoption does not preclude being open to the idea that his or her feelings may change in the future. An adoptive parent could be aware of how his/her child feels now while still being aware that his/her child’s feelings may change. In fact, adoptive parents could even be aware that their child’s feelings are likely to change.
No it doesn't nim, but at least in the case of my daughter, it would have to be a "360 times three".
It is unfortunate how adoptees can experience so much hostility in the world when we dare to speak out about the negative aspects of adoption.
It seems a lot of people still feel shame in admitting that we are different from non-adoptive families, or that adoptees are not allowed to grieve for their lost families & lost cultures past infancy or childhood without being seen as a problem. Not only is that ridiculous considering how the brain functions & develops, but it does not foster a societal environment for young adoptees to be honest about their feelings without fear of being judged harshly.
So I thought this place could use a thread where you could share some of those experiences with these problems, since the adoptee voice seems to be overshadowed or stamped out all together in most adoption spaces.
I was adopted and have felt many years of anguish about my birth mother's rejection, but I have never felt the recipient of bias, hostility, or discrimination relative to my adoption. Nor have I ever felt shame about it. Anger, yes. Shame, no. I am not saying you have not, but you may be assuming a lot to infer that it is prevalent among adoptees. You could be projecting your feelings across a wider population than is the case.
For many years growing up I would've preferred my birth mother abort over adopt, but I have never spoken against adoption, so perhaps it is this that people are responding to in your example? To me, that would be biting the hand with food. It is arguing for what -- abandonment? Life with a parent that didn't want you?
Frankly, I would prefer that people practice safe sex so the decision never has to be made. However once one is pregnant, if they cannot abort, adoption is the only honest way out.
Perhaps you need some counseling about your feelings about your adoption? There's nothing wrong with seeking help to learn to cope with something that has you stuck.
It is unfortunate how adoptees can experience so much hostility in the world when we dare to speak out about the negative aspects of adoption. Most people will say they agree adoption is not perfect & that it is in need of reform, but there are so many who treat us as a threat when we actually go into detail about these issues, what contributes to them, or begin to share our personal experiences of adoption.
It seems a lot of people still feel shame in admitting that we are different from non-adoptive families, or that adoptees are not allowed to grieve for their lost families & lost cultures past infancy or childhood without being seen as a problem. Not only is that ridiculous considering how the brain functions & develops, but it does not foster a societal environment for young adoptees to be honest about their feelings without fear of being judged harshly.
So I thought this place could use a thread where you could share some of those experiences with these problems, since the adoptee voice seems to be overshadowed or stamped out all together in most adoption spaces.
The worst thing that was ever said to me, by a co-worker/acquaintance one time, when she knew about my biological family was: "Why was adoption better? Wouldn't it have been better if you had been aborted?"
Yah, my bio family sucked and my adopted family wasn't the best but really? REALLY?!
When I was younger, it was a "secret". People, kids, I should say, looked at me like I was a pariah. There was something "wrong" with me, that my "parents" didn't want me. My older, adopted brother thought this way as well and since he was jealous of me, (never knew why...still don't), he decided to tell all the kids at school that I was adopted and there went the social life.
Maybe that is not so common now but what many don't seem to understand is that we have to work through why we were adopted in the first place, (not all were happy stories where mommy just thought it would be better for us), what it's like to be living in a "foreign" household, learning to deal with that and sometimes, the adoptive parents don't know how to deal with it either. They try...but, bringing up that the kid was adopted over and over again...probably not the best way to do it. Add to the mix how some people in society viewed it, and some still do, there's that to work through as well.
Regardless, it's still a hell of a lot better than having been aborted! God!
I really, need not explain why I chose the type of adoption I chose, international and closed, and the type I continue to chose to anyone but those who love me, especially my children, who are well aware of the difficult path we took to parenthood.
We have loving and mature tennagers who are also sensitive to our needs, as we have taught them by example,we are sensitive to theirs. Our daughter is already interested in adding to her family when the time comes, through adoption. Through international closed adoption. She too does not want to share parenthood with "some random people". Her words, not mine, and is horrified by television reality shows that act as though disgruntled adoptees who are "reunited" with the people who gave birth to them.
They do not speak for my daughter or for the countless other adoptees who have no desire for such drama in their lives.
My daughter and I frequently watch such shows, We saw one about the adopted child of convicted child murderer Diane Downs, whose daughter abandoned all common sense and perused a relationship with the incarcerated Downs.
Needless to say, she regretted ever doing so.
There is no need to put down people who do not believe as you do. You may not realize it, but you talk about birth parents in very critical terms. I don't want another flame war ... it's Friday.
I was adopted and have felt many years of anguish about my birth mother's rejection, but I have never felt the recipient of bias, hostility, or discrimination relative to my adoption. Nor have I ever felt shame about it. Anger, yes. Shame, no. I am not saying you have not, but you may be assuming a lot to infer that it is prevalent among adoptees. You could be projecting your feelings across a wider population than is the case.
For many years growing up I would've preferred my birth mother abort over adopt, but I have never spoken against adoption, so perhaps it is this that people are responding to in your example? To me, that would be biting the hand with food. It is arguing for what -- abandonment? Life with a parent that didn't want you?
Frankly, I would prefer that people practice safe sex so the decision never has to be made. However once one is pregnant, if they cannot abort, adoption is the only honest way out.
Perhaps you need some counseling about your feelings about your adoption? There's nothing wrong with seeking help to learn to cope with something that has you stuck.
This is insulting... really, presumptuous, dismissive, & insulting. It is exactly the bias & hostility I was referring to. Thanks for proving my point.
Last edited by thethreefoldme; 09-14-2012 at 02:50 PM..
That's the truth to them. Surely you can agree that most adoptive parents would strongly feel that they understood the children they had raised, biological or adopted, better than a stranger would?
Surely you understand that isn't what I was saying? I never said I knew what they thought/felt, in fact I am saying that NO ONE should say what someone else will think or feel in the future. You do see the difference, yes?
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You do have the perspective of also being an adoptee, but the parent shares a long history with the child that is important and relevant. When you argue with someone about how someone else feels--or, more crazily, will feel-it's pointless.
This is not what I was doing.
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I think it's really sad that people have been thoughtless and hurtful to you. I prefer to think that people tend to be more stupid than evil, but then again I'm an optimist.
The point of this thread is not to throw a pity party, but to bring to light common prejudices that adoptees experience (especially adoptees who support adoption reform, reunion, or open records).
I was adopted and have felt many years of anguish about my birth mother's rejection, but I have never felt the recipient of bias, hostility, or discrimination relative to my adoption. Nor have I ever felt shame about it. Anger, yes. Shame, no. I am not saying you have not, but you may be assuming a lot to infer that it is prevalent among adoptees. You could be projecting your feelings across a wider population than is the case.
For many years growing up I would've preferred my birth mother abort over adopt, but I have never spoken against adoption, so perhaps it is this that people are responding to in your example? To me, that would be biting the hand with food. It is arguing for what -- abandonment? Life with a parent that didn't want you?
Frankly, I would prefer that people practice safe sex so the decision never has to be made. However once one is pregnant, if they cannot abort, adoption is the only honest way out.
Perhaps you need some counseling about your feelings about your adoption? There's nothing wrong with seeking help to learn to cope with something that has you stuck.
I am sorry for any unhappiness that you have had in your life. I really am. And you make an excellent point, what is the alternative? Abandonment? Orphanages?
I agree that people should practice safe sex, I also applaud you for your healthy attitude and for not letting bitterness and hostility rule your life.
Adoption in my life has been a blessing, bringing me my beautiful, loving and brilliant daughter who I would not have known. I guess things happen for a reason. I never hoped for secondary infertility, but I couldn't of hoped for a better daughter.
There is no need to put down people who do not believe as you do. You may not realize it, but you talk about birth parents in very critical terms. I don't want another flame war ... it's Friday.
I honestly do not mean it that way. No one other than the people who all recently joined the forum has had anything negative to say about my comments. It is they who are attacking the very institution of adoption. The thing that built many beautiful families.
My choice for international closed adoption is valid and personal. It's a choice and it's legal.
Julia, it is so hard to be calm when people are attacking you and saying that your family in" not real" and your children are :not yours", and in effect, your life is a lie.
That is rude and uncalled for. After what many of us have been through it is especially cruel.
I am sorry for any unhappiness that you have had in your life. I really am. And you make an excellent point, what is the alternative? Abandonment? Orphanages?
You people realize there are options other than adoption, right?
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I agree that people should practice safe sex, I also applaud you for your healthy attitude and for not letting bitterness and hostility rule your life.
Are you inferring that adoptees who support reform & acknowledge prejudices allow bitterness & hostility to rule their lives?
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Adoption in my life has been a blessing, bringing me my beautiful, loving and brilliant daughter who I would not have known. I guess things happen for a reason. I never hoped for secondary infertility, but I couldn't of hoped for a better daughter.
I am happy for you & your daughter, but is this not derailing the thread?
This is insulting... really, presumptuous, dismissive, & insulting. It is exactly the bias & hostility I was referring to. Thanks for proving my point.
I am sorry if it read that way to you, because it wasn't the way I intended it. I was merely answering your question and suggesting that you might be thinking others were feeling the way you were and it might not be true.
I am sorry if you were offended.
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