Dont put off telling the child they are adopted

[karen_in_nh_2012]

Originally Posted by ClaraC

What did I say in my post, that you disagree with?

My post was short too, and started out with a direct response to your 2nd paragraph, so I think you can figure it out. (Clara, I typically LIKE your posts, but NOT your posts about the wonders of family blood ties -- there have been others too in other threads, but I don't have time to go back and find them now.)

Originally Posted by ClaraC

Can you re-look at my post, and point out, specifically, what you disagree with without wrapping all this other, completely unrelated stuff around it, that I did not say?

My response was to your implied romanticizing of birth families in your 2nd paragraph, so the "other, completely unrelated stuff" was NOT "unrelated." Again, I would have thought that was clear (it appeared to be clear to the other poster who responded to my post).

Originally Posted by ClaraC

(and yes, actually, there IS something "magical" about blood ties that make children feel related and included, although if appropriate and stable "blood ties" can't be found to raise a child, then stranger adoption is the second best thing to ensure the child has a good home).

Again, we can agree to disagree on the "magic" of blood ties.

[SeaOfGrass]

I have no experience with adoption, but I can only imagine how it would feel, later on in life, to find out that you were not the "person" you thought you were, your parents were not the "people" you thought they were, or your life was not the life you thought it was. Your whole life must feel turned upside down, surreal.

Originally Posted by OPRFmama

That’s awful. I was adopted (in the US) and I always remember knowing this. Probably because they adopted my brother when I was 3 so they explained the situation to me then. It’s not a shameful thing, in fact the way they explained it, it made me feel special and loved. As a teen, though, I still had a burning desire to find my birth parents, people who might look like me or have my personality traits. My mom embraced this, my dad was devastated and took it completely the wrong way. As a result, I did find them but have only had email communication over the years.

Your advice is spot on - children should be told early in life, and parents should be open to ongoing discussion and questions as the years go on. Most adoptees have a natural curiosity about their families of origin.

I agree, this seems the way to handle it. They (your parents and in general) literally chose to take you into their life, and take care of you, and love you. You're a family, no two ways about it. It's a pretty beautiful concept.

Originally Posted by Deoge

One more thing. Tell the child and then shut up about it to other people. Nothing worse than someone introducing the family and saying "This is my adoptive child." No, he/she is your child. I have friends for over 25 years and they do not know that my oldest is adapted. Why, because she is my child, not my "adapted" child.

This for sure!

[Luke I am your father]

Originally Posted by ClaraC

What did I say in my post, that you disagree with?

I didn't say adoptions shouldn't occur, or that it's evil to remove children from bio parents if they are completely unable to parent.

Can you re-look at my post, and point out, specifically, what you disagree with without wrapping all this other, completely unrelated stuff around it, that I did not say?

My post was short, so shouldn't take long.

(and yes, actually, there IS something "magical" about blood ties that make children feel related and included, although if appropriate and stable "blood ties" can't be found to raise a child, then stranger adoption is the second best thing to ensure the child has a good home).

I'm new here, so don't know your deal, but I agree with Karen. As an adoptive parent, your choice of wording immediately struck me as insensitive too, and believe me, I hate the perpetually offended snowflake culture, so am not usually that easily bent out of shape by mere words.

I don't want to come here and immediately get into arguments, so I'll just say that in our situation and our son's, in no way can it be thought of as the "second best" option, for anyone involved. You might be trying to make a point, but it is a very sensitive issue, and not easily put without causing hurt.

[Middletwin]

Compounded with the lies of omission, the adoption for the wrong reasons, it makes sense the niece feels betrayed and may have feelings similar to feelings of those in human trafficking, or at the least feel like seconds. We have to remember that, the people who mention how they failed to produce their own prodigy because of biology, and now they are parents of an adoptee, actually infer biology was important after all - as so stated in the first paragraph of OP's post. Obviously, the Aunt shouldn't have adopted but much can't be done now. If her adoptive daughter meets her first family, I hope for the best and no more betrayal. If the daughter lands on her feet, the Aunt should at least feel successful that she may have given her tools to do so.

[Okey Dokie]

It just seems like the longer the adoptive parents wait to tell, the harder (and more devastating) it gets. A matter of fact explanation with the emphasis on the child being chosen, etc. etc. Fill in the details as they get older and ask. I know a man now in his late 70s who found out he was adopted when he was in his 30s as he was cleaning out papers from his mother’s house after she passed away. Does anyone want someone to go through that?

In a perfect world children would only be born to loving parents who are emotionally ready to make a lifelong commitment to them. But it’s not a perfect world and if adoptive parents are willing to step up that’s by far the second best thing.

[Roselvr]

It would be nice if the OP came back to give an update