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My fiancee and I have been discussing how we'll be raising our children in the future (she was raised Catholic, I was raised Buddhist). We've been discussing things like baptisms, christenings, etc.. Obviously I've never experienced anything like that as a child, so I have to say that I don't understand it. I wouldn't say we're Atheists, but there are many things about religion that we both find odd at times.
My problem with these religious ceremonies, which mean nothing to me, symbolizes a separation from " the others" in society. I really don't want that kind of message for my future children. My fiancee doesn't see it that way, she seems to think of it more in line with a celebration of the child (similar to a birthday???). An argument I have is the whole issue with not being able to marry in a Catholic church because you weren't baptized. Maybe I've been ill-informed, but that seems to spread a type of segregation message--which I believe has hints of hate against non-Catholics. I wouldn't want my child telling me that I'm the only one in the family that is going to "hell" . I'm probably over-analyzing but given that I've had to deal with being the "other" religion all my life (during basketball games with prayers, church-only sports leagues, etc), I've grown a little bias of Christian religions.
We've constantly discussed this issue without coming to a conclusion, so I'd like to see what others think. I know that I'm in a specific forum, but I figured that a non-bias opinion is what I need to possibly gain a further understanding (hopefully from someone who was raised Catholic). TIA
PS we also discussed private schooling as well... but that's another debate
Why don't you let your children choose when they are old enough to understand what these faiths stand for?
Is'nt it unfair to Induct a child into a religious faith that it's not aware of?
Why don't you let your children choose when they are old enough to understand what these faiths stand for?
Is'nt it unfair to Induct a child into a religious faith that it's not aware of?
I completely agree, I'm all for the right to choose in life... However, my fiancee also doesn't want our child to miss out on certain things, so I'm willing to compromise. I just need a better understanding of things.
Find out if she will be okay with you presenting alternative explanations to any rituals or customs she wants your kids to participate in. So that if your child is baptized, is she okay with you explaining to your young child, "I don't believe in that. I don't think baptism get's people to heaven, nor do I even think heaven exists."
If she is not 100% okay with you discussing and presenting your views, and even your children attending and participating in your own rituals and customs, then you'll have a problem. Unfortunately in my experience religious differences and children rarely end up a two-way street.
My bet is that your compromise will end up very one-sided in the end. You will have to be diligent to make sure that your views are represented, and represented in such a way that she does not feel slighted or her beliefs insulted.
Wow this sounds exactly like what I'm going through. My boyfriend of 2 years is Catholic and I am Buddhist. I know he was thinking of proposing soon so we started talking about serious stuff like how are we going to raise kids. We are both very religious and to me it didn't seem too big of a problem until he insisted upon having the kids receive baptism, communion, and confirmation no matter what. I was deeply hurt after this ultimatum because I was expecting some sort of a compromise. Finally after long endless discussions I suggested that we let the children go through baptism but let them decide about communion and confirmation when they're 18. But my boyfriend was completely against it and said he would still support me in my religion but he wanted to have the kids go through those 3 and bring them to church every Sunday. Now we have sort of come to a dead end since I don't like the idea of communion and confirmation because a child is completely incapable of deciding what they need at that age and I feel like they are going to be sort of "tricked" into being Catholic. But my boyfriend obviously disagrees and does not like my compromise of having the kids wait till they're 18. We've almost broken up thinking there is no solution to this matter and we didn't want to continue this relationship if we're both just gonna end up being hurt or left out.
I know I am not really answering any of the issues you've presented but just wanted to see if you've found any solution to this and you could share that with me 'cause I'm at a point of desperate need of help.
If something like this were to occur, she could raise them however she wanted, and I'd stay out of it. I really don't have much interest in religion, so let her lead in that area if she so desires.
Wow this sounds exactly like what I'm going through. My boyfriend of 2 years is Catholic and I am Buddhist. I know he was thinking of proposing soon so we started talking about serious stuff like how are we going to raise kids. We are both very religious and to me it didn't seem too big of a problem until he insisted upon having the kids receive baptism, communion, and confirmation no matter what. I was deeply hurt after this ultimatum because I was expecting some sort of a compromise. Finally after long endless discussions I suggested that we let the children go through baptism but let them decide about communion and confirmation when they're 18. But my boyfriend was completely against it and said he would still support me in my religion but he wanted to have the kids go through those 3 and bring them to church every Sunday. Now we have sort of come to a dead end since I don't like the idea of communion and confirmation because a child is completely incapable of deciding what they need at that age and I feel like they are going to be sort of "tricked" into being Catholic. But my boyfriend obviously disagrees and does not like my compromise of having the kids wait till they're 18. We've almost broken up thinking there is no solution to this matter and we didn't want to continue this relationship if we're both just gonna end up being hurt or left out.
I know I am not really answering any of the issues you've presented but just wanted to see if you've found any solution to this and you could share that with me 'cause I'm at a point of desperate need of help.
Thank you
I am going to add my opinions here because I have 20 years of strife over religion with my husband.
We never talked about religion and I was not an active Catholic at the time and he was not an active methodist. I wasn't raised in any religion and it wasn't all that important to me. But when my first child was born omg all of a sudden it became important. I told my husband you pick something because it was not Christianity I was interested in. I wanted my child just to grow up in something because I had grown up with nothing. My family was a very secular family.
Well to make a long story short he didn't and I said well Catholicism is what I know and that is what we will raise him in.
I had this picture of a happy family attending church and my husband didn't. So there was so much angst. I finally understood that I was being unrealistic and in order for us to be happy I needed to let him be the way he wanted to be. He is an agnostic with heavy leanings towards atheism.
When my oldest child was 8 he came home from religious school telling me about something he had learned and I had a moment of realization that even though I grew up with nothing I was allowed to walk through religions and I was allowed to make my own choices. So we walked away from the church.
As I made my way again into religion (not Christianity) my kids came with me and finally I made my way to Judaism. I have 3 kids and 2 are Jewish along with me. My oldest will decide one day or he won't and that is fine.
We have a interfaith family filled with Jew and non Jew, religious and non religious and it works.
The kids understand that they have both a religious tradition and are part of a people and if they walked away from the religious part they would still be Jews and still part of the Jewish people. That give me peace. I also within my particular Jewish community have members who are secular and atheist Jews who celebrate the holidays in a cultural way. Now we have a family that works. But it takes a lot of give and take which is hard when it comes to religion.
But unless there is real give and take a marriage cannot stand this kind of test because religion will tear it apart if their is not agreement.
Well, I've only been married for close to 6 years - and my husband and I are pretty much both agnostic (although he was raised Southern Baptist). My father was Jewish and my mother was Christian - although they were both kind of agnostic, too. They sort of let me decide about religion - but I've never had the slightest interest in following any of them. I went to church with my friends and my babysitter from time to time growing up - and I went to temple a few times here and there. I even went on a Mormon weekend retreat with one of my Mormon friends in highschool. Well, obviously, nothing took! So that's my background
Here is the one thing I will say about marriage. Jazzymom is right - it's a lot of give and take. Luckily, my husband and I see eye to eye on the whole religion thing. However - we planned a wedding once upon a time, we bought a house last year, we are having a baby right now - there is a whole lotta compromise involved in all of this stuff. Buying a house was a huge deal for us - and we got through it together - but there was a lot of back and forth. He absolutely needed a garage and central air. I absolutely needed a nice kitchen. We both needed 2 bathrooms and a backyard for our dog. Well - he had to sacrifice central air - and I had to sacrifice a couple houses that I feel in love with because they didn't have a garage. Marriage is all about compromise. If your boyfriend isn't willing to compromise - then I'm not sure he's ready for marriage. Marriage is a two way street. You are changing your life so that it isn't just about you anymore. It's about building a life together - for both of you. And once you have children - it's about being willing to compromise so that you can both be the best parents that you can be. It's about not being selfish anymore and being there for someone else.
Just my 2 cents.
Well, I've only been married for close to 6 years - and my husband and I are pretty much both agnostic (although he was raised Southern Baptist). My father was Jewish and my mother was Christian - although they were both kind of agnostic, too. They sort of let me decide about religion - but I've never had the slightest interest in following any of them. I went to church with my friends and my babysitter from time to time growing up - and I went to temple a few times here and there. I even went on a Mormon weekend retreat with one of my Mormon friends in highschool. Well, obviously, nothing took! So that's my background
Here is the one thing I will say about marriage. Jazzymom is right - it's a lot of give and take. Luckily, my husband and I see eye to eye on the whole religion thing. However - we planned a wedding once upon a time, we bought a house last year, we are having a baby right now - there is a whole lotta compromise involved in all of this stuff. Buying a house was a huge deal for us - and we got through it together - but there was a lot of back and forth. He absolutely needed a garage and central air. I absolutely needed a nice kitchen. We both needed 2 bathrooms and a backyard for our dog. Well - he had to sacrifice central air - and I had to sacrifice a couple houses that I feel in love with because they didn't have a garage. Marriage is all about compromise. If your boyfriend isn't willing to compromise - then I'm not sure he's ready for marriage. Marriage is a two way street. You are changing your life so that it isn't just about you anymore. It's about building a life together - for both of you. And once you have children - it's about being willing to compromise so that you can both be the best parents that you can be. It's about not being selfish anymore and being there for someone else.
Just my 2 cents.
You are right on the mark!
Religion is the one thing that can cause so many issues! if you go into a marriage with the idea you can change the other, you won't.
The only time my husband comes to a function with my community is when it is a social, non religious activity. I go alone with 2 of my kids to religious activities. My oldest son loves some of the rituals we have but is not interested in religion at all. He just loves the challah, and the desert Friday night....lol
And actually now the house is filled with peace.
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. I'm probably over-analyzing but given that I've had to deal with being the "other" religion all my life (during basketball games with prayers, church-only sports leagues, etc), I've grown a little bias of Christian religions.
