Mother of a Troubled Teen (Atlanta, Perry: fit in, attorney, school)

[NEastBound]

Originally Posted by Mattie

Buckhead Betty, I feel for you, really, and thank my lucky stars my kids have turned out ok. But, aren't parent responsible for their kids until the age of 18? I'm not suggesting you bail your son out, however, once he serves his sentence, aren't you legally obligated to take him back in? Can taking his meds be a condition of parole? I'm not too familiar with these things, but I can't imagine a parent can deny their child a home before they are of age.

Haven't YOU been a parent of a late-teen??? Since you said that your kids turned out ok... I am quite sure your kids have done things that you will never know about or want to believe, they all do. Once kids reach a certain age there is not that much you can do besides cage them and the most certainly is NOT an option, for obvious reasons. A teen can be/request to be emancipated and as far as I am concerned, if he wants to act like an adult, play like an adult, he needs to take the responsibility for his actions like an adult. If your kid did something, let's say held up a store and shot the store owner at 16, 17, even 20 years old, or whatever (not that b. betty's son did that, it's just an example), would you bail them out and slap their little precious hand with a ruler and take them back in?? What does that teach?? That you can get away with ANYTHING and mommy is going to bail you out everytime. What is the parole officer going to do? daily drug testing to make sure he (treated as an adult in the courts) is popping his pills? Why would you ridicule Buckhead Betty? You do not know the full story, nor have you been in this situation. If you were, trust me you can imagine a parent "denying a home" for their 17 year old child. If she does not do it now, she'll be stuck bailing him out every single time he messes up, even if he's 60. Might as well stop the cycle now. It's a little thing called tough love.


Buckhead Betty - You are doing the right thing for your son. He will become the sweet little boy again you once had. Probably not now, but in time. He will be more of a man than you ever imagined once he decides that this is not how he wants to live his life. I am sure jail cannot be any fun for him. It will take time, but I believe that he will come out of this but only if he wants to regain your trust; and until he has respect for himself, he will not have it for others. It's on him now, his mind, and his life, and he is the only one that can correct this. No more king baby, you know what I mean

[equinox63]

I'm just curious if there was a father or father-figure around? Do you guys think it would have made a difference?

[TakeAhike]

Originally Posted by equinox63

I'm just curious if there was a father or father-figure around? Do you guys think it would have made a difference?

From my experience a male with good character definitely is a positive. I've seen some good mentoring online and of course coaches do some incredible things with the 'dudes'.

[Mattie]

Originally Posted by NEastBound

Haven't YOU been a parent of a late-teen??? Since you said that your kids turned out ok... I am quite sure your kids have done things that you will never know about or want to believe, they all do. Once kids reach a certain age there is not that much you can do besides cage them and the most certainly is NOT an option, for obvious reasons. A teen can be/request to be emancipated and as far as I am concerned, if he wants to act like an adult, play like an adult, he needs to take the responsibility for his actions like an adult. If your kid did something, let's say held up a store and shot the store owner at 16, 17, even 20 years old, or whatever (not that b. betty's son did that, it's just an example), would you bail them out and slap their little precious hand with a ruler and take them back in?? What does that teach?? That you can get away with ANYTHING and mommy is going to bail you out everytime. What is the parole officer going to do? daily drug testing to make sure he (treated as an adult in the courts) is popping his pills? Why would you ridicule Buckhead Betty? You do not know the full story, nor have you been in this situation. If you were, trust me you can imagine a parent "denying a home" for their 17 year old child. If she does not do it now, she'll be stuck bailing him out every single time he messes up, even if he's 60. Might as well stop the cycle now. It's a little thing called tough love.

Why the hostility? Obviously I hit a nerve with you. I did not ridicule Buckhead Betty. I merely asked how a parent can abdicate their responsibility for a MINOR. And, if you read my post before you jumped, I said I wasn't suggesting that she bail him out. Yes, HE can request emancipation, but what if he doesn't want to? Where does the parental responsibility end before the age of 18?

Drug testing is a regular part of many paroles. Why can't BB request it be part of her child's?

[brownhornet]

Sounds like you'd be one of those type parents to continually make excuses for your kid.

[NEastBound]

Originally Posted by Mattie

Why the hostility? Obviously I hit a nerve with you. I did not ridicule Buckhead Betty. I merely asked how a parent can abdicate their responsibility for a MINOR. And, if you read my post before you jumped, I said I wasn't suggesting that she bail him out. Yes, HE can request emancipation, but what if he doesn't want to? Where does the parental responsibility end before the age of 18?

Drug testing is a regular part of many paroles. Why can't BB request it be part of her child's?

Well, there is a difference, he would not be taking drug tests for illegal drugs that are easily detected for up to a week. All he would have to do is pop a pill in a few minutes before the appointment w/the parole officer.

The parental responsibility ends when he chooses to participate in activities that in the courtroom, he is tried as an adult. I did read your post, which is why I responded the way that I did. What would you do in this situation? Ground him? Take away his phone? Or take the cable to his tv out of his room? What would you do with a minor that just came out of jail?

I really do understand what you were trying to say in your post, and I understand how deep a mother's love runs for their child. And as a mother, I do hope you realize just how much this is killing her. When you have exhausted all other avenues, this is the only way. Please, put yourself in her shoes for a moment. This obviously is a very difficult decision for any parent. There comes a time when they need to be treated as adults, in this case, she cannot treat him as a child. He has to figure this out for himself.

[atlantagreg30127]

Let me put on my Dr. Phil hat for a moment...

First of all, no more bickering or bitching at each other's advice, or the hammer of Thor comes down.

Second, it is my opinion that as has been said, she has already explored LOTS of options. None worked. The kid is on his own, and he'll have to work it out on his own and float, or, he won't and drown. She decided to redirect her priorities to the rest of her family and other kids, and herself, and at this stage (based on the info given), it sounds like the right decision is being made for the mental stability of the rest of the family. People can only take so much. Hey, if you have an eight year old with issues, you can't give up - period. 17 year olds can legally drive cars on our roads - they're on their own if they refuse your help - period.

Someone needed a place to vent about it, and they got it. There's no need to analyze parental roles and responsibilities or stuff like that. Let it ride, people. Sometimes folks just need to release.

[MisterNY]

Good post Greg,

Sorry to hear about your troubles Betty, hope things improve. Hope he sees the light as well. Like a few, I'm curious about the father figure. You did not mention him. Did you go through a divorce? Has it affected him? Is he lashing out since the divorce, if there was one? Hope you get well. Stay strong.

[TakeAhike]

Originally Posted by MisterNY

Good post Greg,

Sorry to hear about your troubles Betty, hope things improve. Hope he sees the light as well. Like a few, I'm curious about the father figure. You did not mention him. Did you go through a divorce? Has it affected him? Is he lashing out since the divorce, if there was one? Hope you get well. Stay strong.

Greg needs to write a book--compile all his posts and make a few million.

If there is a problem there is a solution I'm convinced of that. My grandmother was very clear about that. Her younguns were her younguns no matter what age. If one of them needed something she moved heaven and earth as Mothers will always do. A few tears, prayers and 'Home is the place where they always leave the light on for you'.

[coolyfett]

Originally Posted by Buckhead Betty1

My son is 17 now...but for as long as I can remember he has always required alot more attention then my other kids. It seems as though he has been in and out of trouble forever...and forever, I have been there for him. I have had him in every program that Fulton County has to offer or that I can think of. Now that he is 17 he is doing worse things. Most recently I got him out of jail for something he was envolved in...only to have him 30 days later be envolved in the same thing again. So he is back in jail, but this time due to the impact it had on me and his younger sister, requiring us to have to move...I have drawn the line in the sand. I will be going to no more court hearings, paying anymore fines, or getting him out of jail anymore. Nor can he live with me anymore, due to the fact that I can no longer trust him. I feel like I can not be embarrassed by what he does anymore, or his ugly attitude. I did not raise him like this...and can not understand why he turned out the way he has. I have three children all raised the same and yet he is the only one that turned out this way. Or should I say gone down such a dark self destructive path. Thousands have been spent on counseling over the years. I realize I am leaving out alot of information...but I have got to get some of this off my chest before I burst. I know I'm not the only one...however it does feel like it sometimes.
Tough love is what I am trying to give right now. It's hard, because I just can't shake the feeling that he thinks I don't love and care about him. All I want to do is rescue him, as I have done so many times before. But the truth is...if it didn't work all the other times it certainly isn't going to work now.
Know one said that doing the right thing...would always be easy.

Very humble of you to speak on the family issue. My advice is not to do anything for him anymore, just remind him that you love him. The stress caused by your child will only remove years from your life, at 17 there are things that he knows is wrong. If something wrong happens to your son, it is now his fault and not yours. His friends are his parents now, that was his choice, when he decides he wants to be your good son again, welcome him with open arms, but for your own health remove yourself from him and his dumb situations. You can live to be 90 or you can live to be 55, Stress kills, the choice is yours Betty. Peace