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I've been somewhat estranged from my mother but have gotten in touch with parents in the past several years. My mother's health has taken a big dive in the past 5 years. She's 75, very thin, frail and has hand gitters. She's been a smoker since she was a teenager. I remember hiding her cigarettes to keep her from smoking and even putting cookies and love notes in clean ash trays to stop her from wanting to smoke. She still smokes....
Ff to last week when my nephew calls me to say that mom has been taken to the hospital. She stopped eating and had fallen. She was taken by ambulance to the hospital and she was dehydrated but they found she has emphysema and lung cancer. My sister called yesterday and for some reason had the tumor dimensions--I don't remember a complete account of what she actually told me but one of the measurements (according to the nurse) was 3 cm by 17cm. Would anyone know what stage this likely is?? Apparently, more will be known tomorrow when she has more tests. Would anyone know what are the next likely steps for her care? Thanks so much for any input
I can't answer your medical questions, but I DO know that she's likely feeling very frightened, helpless, vulnerable, and alone in her situation. It would probably mean an awful lot to her if you were able to visit for a day or two and let her know that despite your past problems you still loved her and wanted to be there for her. Also, if your nephew or anyone else near the hospital could spend as much time as possible just in "quiet visiting" with her she'd probably really appreciate it: when you're badly under the weather in the hospital (as I was at one point after a big post-bicycle-accident operation, and as she probably is after her fall and the bad medical news she's getting) you do feel extremely helpless and vulnerable in dealing with all the people who are poking and prodding you and wanting you to do this and do that and take another test etc... and you feel that if you object to anything at all that they will make things worse for you. Having a strong someone present to help them speak up if/when they simply don't want another useless, painful, test, or having someone there just to help adjust a pillow, or who'll let out a yell if one of the beeping machines starts to beep wrong, can mean an awful lot to someone in that condition.
You or your nephew or whoever don't need to be "active" during most of a visit: usually someone in your mother's condition will be exhausted and you should try to set it up so that she knows you're quite happy just sitting next to her and reading a book or watching the television -- just the fact that she's not alone will let her get the mental, emotional, and physical rest she's going to need for what's ahead.
I can't answer your medical questions, but I DO know that she's likely feeling very frightened, helpless, vulnerable, and alone in her situation. It would probably mean an awful lot to her if you were able to visit for a day or two and let her know that despite your past problems you still loved her and wanted to be there for her. Also, if your nephew or anyone else near the hospital could spend as much time as possible just in "quiet visiting" with her she'd probably really appreciate it: when you're badly under the weather in the hospital (as I was at one point after a big post-bicycle-accident operation, and as she probably is after her fall and the bad medical news she's getting) you do feel extremely helpless and vulnerable in dealing with all the people who are poking and prodding you and wanting you to do this and do that and take another test etc... and you feel that if you object to anything at all that they will make things worse for you. Having a strong someone present to help them speak up if/when they simply don't want another useless, painful, test, or having someone there just to help adjust a pillow, or who'll let out a yell if one of the beeping machines starts to beep wrong, can mean an awful lot to someone in that condition.
You or your nephew or whoever don't need to be "active" during most of a visit: usually someone in your mother's condition will be exhausted and you should try to set it up so that she knows you're quite happy just sitting next to her and reading a book or watching the television -- just the fact that she's not alone will let her get the mental, emotional, and physical rest she's going to need for what's ahead.
I wish you and your mom the best.
what a nice post... as Im the same for all the tests etc...its different times now , we dont have to look up to doctors like saints.. we have a voice.. and I wish Id have used it more when it was my mum in hospital..
Skatergirl, it's hard to say what next steps will be. They are developing new treatments all the time. Of course the cigarettes need to go. My mom has been treated for lung cancer since 2009 and she's still with us, so your mom may have a good bit of time left, too. (I hope so!) Can you be with her when she visits the oncologist?
There are lots of treatment options, depending on how many spots and how large they are and where they are located. They removed part of my mom's lung. She has also been treated with chemotherapy. There is also a treatment called cyberknife, which some patients get. Hopefully your mom will be strong enough to have treatment, which by it's very nature is rough on the body.
Skatergirl, I agree with Michael's note to you above. Be with your mother, even though it may be one of the hardest things you've ever done.
I was estranged from my now 74yo mother for almost 3 years when I got the call that her lung cancer had metastasized to her brain and she was scheduled for emergency surgery to have the tumor removed. I flew out the same day and was by her side almost every day and every night of the next two weeks. The second night after her surgery, we talked more than we have in years. A lot was resolved between us; not everything, mind you, but enough to heal the rift. We'll figure out the rest at a point in time when she's stronger.
This happened in mid-January. Thankfully, she has recovered from most of the effects of the brain radiation she had afterward and is now working to regain her physical strength/stamina so she can resume chemotherapy later this month. She was diagnosed as Stage IV in July 2012 because she had metastases in her lymph system, but her disease is progressing slowly and probably can be managed well for a few more years if we can stay on top of any future mets. It's still too early to know whether the radiation to her brain was effective in fending off any further growth of the microscopic lesions they could not get during her surgery.
She also has COPD/emphysema, but it's been easy for her to pretend she doesn't have it because it hasn't impacted her activities of daily living too much. At her February oncology appointment, the doctor put her on oxygen supplementation to bring her saturation up from 81% to the mid-90s. Being on oxygen was a huge wake-up call, but she still denies that her respiratory issues and shortness of breath are from COPD. She'd rather blame everything on the cancer.
Since it has been a week or so since you first posted, you're likely to know better now what your mother's treatment course will be, so hopefully your concerns are somewhat alleviated. I wish you and her the best.
Mom and I had a big blowout (long story), we didn't talk for 1 1/2 years.....she tried, I never returned her phone calls. Then she ended up in the hospital for open heart surgery.....my siblings pestered me to go see Mom, so reluctantly I did. We talked a bit, and got some things smoothed out. After surgery, they said somebody needs to be with her for 3 weeks.....she moved into my sisters house for 2 weeks, then said she wanted to go home.......it's just my Wife and I, no kids, so this made me the easiest choice to spend a week with Mom. I moved in, and every day drove from her place in NY, to my job in CT....before I left, I laid out her meds, and here breakfast, and would call at lunch to check in.....when I got home, made sure she was up on her meds, and we would sit and have dinner. The week I spent with Mom, was the closest I have ever gotten to her in my entire lifetime.....we discussed all sorts of thing, cleared a lot of air....never felt this much love between me and her. As the week ended, she told me that friday to "Go home, be with your Wife"....I asked her a few times, "are you going to be okay"...she said "Yes, I have the nurse checking on me during the day....go be with your Wife"....it was the end of the third week, so I went home. My sister called her saturday late morning and said she didn't sound good......I called, she sounded fine, and assured me she was okay and not to worry.....2 hours later, my sister called back saying Moms not answering the phone....we figured maybe she went outside to check her garden, or just sit and enjoy the weather. Had a neighbor go to check on her....they found her deceased......I had just left her a little over 12 hours ago. So, take it from me....make as many trips as you can....spend all the time you can with her....make sure there are no regrets
I only wish it were that simply done....I'm glad you were able to find the lost connection with your mother after so much time. It sounds like you really had some close moments and were able to break through to each other. I'm glad that happens. It's just not the reality for everyone.
My update:
I live about 9 hours away from my parents. I've been able to set up her home health care nurses (everyone back home just thought it was going to get done somehow but it wasn't, so I stepped up). She's on 24/7 oxygen and while she's now able to stand up and walk with a walker or help, things turned bad. My father caught her smoking on the front porch cowered down where she thought she couldn't be seen!!! Her physical therapist happened to drive up for an apt. and saw her and was upset and told her she could blow up the whole house with the oxygen in tow.
Just prior to this I had asked for the physical therapist to get my moms okay to talk about her case with me. Mom was ticked at me thinking I was butting in and said a big ole' "NO!" to the pt's request to talk with me. Dad called me that mom got upset and signed papers for discontinuing nursing care. He doesn't feel competent to do it alone as he's elderly and not very strong. I'm trying to piece it all together for them but I guess this really makes me see that I've always been more of a parent to my mother than she ever was to me. No resentment on my part, just kinda sad as to the reality of things.
At this point, I'm not looking to "re-connect" as we never truly had a connection. I'm trying to offer care and support for them both and to alleviate the burden on my father.
At this point, I'm not looking to "re-connect" as we never truly had a connection. I'm trying to offer care and support for them both and to alleviate the burden on my father.
My prayers are with you Skatergirl. It's hard enough when your parent is right in front of you and cooperative. I know you are having a tough time.
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