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I'm an adult only child w/ parents who are MUCH older than the parents of other people my age. On top of that, my parents are 10 yrs apart, so my dad is old enough to almost or actually be my great-grandfather.
I live alone (unmarried/no kids), but am about 15 min from my parents. I'm very busy everyday, working 8-13 hr days many times & in grad school in a very rigorous program. Sundays are literally my only free day of the week. I don't even have time to do all that I really want to do myself (work out at gym/go walking, get proper rest & sleep, do house chores, etc.) I truly try my best to visit my parents as much as I can to watch my dad while my mom who is his only caretaker, goes to church, which is about once or twice a month. If I can't come to watch my dad, she doesn't go to church.
My mom definitely views my chores as the priority & is never demanding that I come over more, but lately without her making me feel guilty, she hints to me in an obvious way that I should come over even for a couple hrs on a weekday so she has time to get away for a couple hrs & get some fresh air, etc.
A few days ago, I had informed her that the next 5 Sundays in a row, I have a test, paper, or some assignment due for school. It's nothing I can help, that's just how things are, so it's a very hairy & hectic time. Thank God I'm almost at the end of school...I hope!
I really hate that I can't go over there more often & I manage my time excellently as it is, meaning I don't waste time. I'm always doing the things I'm supposed to, but I also need to rest too. I don't want to get stressed & become ill myself. My mom says she'll never put my dad in any kind of assisted living facility & she views hiring someone to come & help her out as not really an option (her feeling/opinion about it).
I'm mainly venting here, but does anyone have any ideas at all regarding how to help alleviate my mom? She's pretty elderly herself (76), but thank God she's pretty spry & goes walking 5-6 mornings a wk & then goes to a store or two afterwards. She says that's her only "me time" which she desperately needs. I'm very glad that she's able to do that. She doesn't always feel good either & gets stressed rather easily. I call them daily in which my mom often says, "We're hanging in there, taking it one day at a time."
I'm going to actually try my best to make time to go there next Wed, so I know my mom will like that. If it was up to me, I'd go there 1-2 times a week for a few hrs each time & relieve my mom of her caretaking duties. She works so incredibly hard!
Last edited by Forever Blue; 11-13-2014 at 12:42 AM..
I think you are going to have to have more of a talk with your parents or mother about her hiring some help. She is refusing the realistic option and making life harder on everyone. I was in a similiar situation and do understand how hard this is.
Remember your school is temporary and very important.
No magic bullet or pill. Could her minister/priest/pastor talk to her? Maybe with you?
I had a similar situation with my father. He refused to get outside help for my mother, which would have given him some free time. Instead he relied on me which was really overwhelming at times with trying to juggle work, family, etc.
If you can afford it, an ideal gift for your mother would be hiring outside help for a few hours a week for a month or so. Maybe when your mom sees how freeing it can be, she will continue it on her own. Just a thought.
I'm an adult only child w/ parents who are MUCH older than the parents of other people my age. On top of that, my parents are 10 yrs apart, so my dad is old enough to almost or actually be my great-grandfather.
I live alone (unmarried/no kids), but am about 15 min from my parents. I'm very busy everyday, working 8-13 hr days many times & in grad school in a very rigorous program. Sundays are literally my only free day of the week. I don't even have time to do all that I really want to do myself (work out at gym/go walking, get proper rest & sleep, do house chores, etc.) I truly try my best to visit my parents as much as I can to watch my dad while my mom who is his only caretaker, goes to church, which is about once or twice a month. If I can't come to watch my dad, she doesn't go to church.
My mom definitely views my chores as the priority & is never demanding that I come over more, but lately without her making me feel guilty, she hints to me in an obvious way that I should come over even for a couple hrs on a weekday so she has time to get away for a couple hrs & get some fresh air, etc.
A few days ago, I had informed her that the next 5 Sundays in a row, I have a test, paper, or some assignment due for school. It's nothing I can help, that's just how things are, so it's a very hairy & hectic time. Thank God I'm almost at the end of school...I hope!
I really hate that I can't go over there more often & I manage my time excellently as it is, meaning I don't waste time. I'm always doing the things I'm supposed to, but I also need to rest too. I don't want to get stressed & become ill myself. My mom says she'll never put my dad in any kind of assisted living facility & she views hiring someone to come & help her out as not really an option (her feeling/opinion about it).
I'm mainly venting here, but does anyone have any ideas at all regarding how to help alleviate my mom? She's pretty elderly herself (76), but thank God she's pretty spry & goes walking 5-6 mornings a wk & then goes to a store or two afterwards. She says that's her only "me time" which she desperately needs. I'm very glad that she's able to do that. She doesn't always feel good either & gets stressed rather easily. I call them daily in which my mom often says, "We're hanging in there, taking it one day at a time."
I'm going to actually try my best to make time to go there next Wed, so I know my mom will like that. If it was up to me, I'd go there 1-2 times a week for a few hrs each time & relieve my mom of her caretaking duties. She works so incredibly hard!
Does your mom have any help at all? Cleaning lady? Mowing/Leaf assistance?
If not, I would start with that. Use the logic that she could better use her time and energy to assist your father --- i.e. if she's worn out from vacuuming/dusting, she's no good to herself or your father.
What issues specifically does your father suffer from? Simply being 10 years older than your mother is not a debilitating issue - so the fact that you say your mother is his caretaker suggests either a significant medical illness, a physical disability, or a neurological condition such as Dementia. What issues he is dealing with will largely determine what kind of assistance would be appropriate.
Is it physical? Does he need help with hygeine/transfering? Is it medical - does he have a wound that requires washing/dressing, or complex IV infusions? Is it neurological - does he get confused or agitated, or forget where he is / who is with him? Is he a "wander" or any other kind of risk?
Checking with your local elder services (county/state/city) agency may get you started as to what kind of services may be available in your area. Of course usually county (discounted) services are for lower-income seniors, so if your parents are on solid financial footing - they would have to (generally) pay for any assistance out of pocket.
If your parents are low-income, then subsidized help is often available either through medicaid (specific home care assistance) or through county programs (meals on wheels, help "fall-proofing" their home, etc..)
I would have a heart-to-heart with your mom regarding her refusing outside help - explain to her that you understand her feelings of needing to care for your father, and that you share them, however you also realize that at some point they will be gone - and you will need to be able to care/provide for yourself in the world. Therefore you can't provide as much assistance as you want, and you feel guilty (horrible, unable to study) at your mother killing herself .... thererfor you'd be very appreciative if your mother would EXPLORE the idea of some sort of outside assistance (maybe an hour a day). You would take it as a personal favor to YOU.
Since its clear you feel your mother loves you and doesn't want to be a burden, try to make her realize your point of view. While she might not be willing to accept help on her own, realizing that not doing it is making you miserable and unable to focus on your #1 priority might change her perception. Often parents will do things for their children that they would never do for themselves.
Is adult day care available? That would be the first thing I checked into. Next, they need to admit they need help and start hiring some or looking into Assisted Living. You got some other good ideas too.
They need to see a lawyer and get their affairs in order and figure out the financials. Time passes and they are going to get even older. Start working on this stuff now.
OP back. Thanks for the comments so far guys! To answer your questions, my mom's been offered to have a minister talk to her, but she graciously refused it. They have a gardener, but never had a cook, housekeeper, etc.
Overall, my Dad's been in OK health. It's mainly due to his old age that he has his current issues. Believe it or not, the ONLY meds he's on are eye drops for his eyes. Here's the issues my Dad has:
- Alzheimer's - he has good & bad days...sometimes talking way out of good sense or sleeping a lot & other days, being more alert & talking w/ good sense
- Glaucoma
- Cataracts
- Although mobile, he needs very close supervision, like someone right next to him in case he falls & he's fallen a few times before
(He even is a cancer survivor & has been in remission since the mid to late 90s. He's had a couple of back surgeries several yrs ago & a hernia surgery several or so yrs ago too.)
The last time my mom took him to the dr a few wks ago, the dr suggested hospice & my mom authorized the lady come to the house to talk over things regarding that. My mom was open to hear what they had to say, not that my mom thinks that my dad will die any time soon. She's always optimistic & telling my dad to "fight for life & she's told me he could live another 10 yrs, who knows."
My parents have had their living trust, trust, etc. all worked out long ago. My dad's funeral arrangements have already been made long ago.
My dad sleeps downstairs in a hospital bed & doesn't really go up/down the stairs anymore.
Honestly, I haven't researched or looked up anything for my parents/Dad. My mom's fully aware of what she wants to have done & not have done.
He's still probably a fall risk. He has cognitive impairment and has poor vision at night. My mom fell down the stairs once. It probably contributed to her developing an arthritic hip because it was not addressed and remained undisclosed until she started to have problem walking on a continuing basis. All of her trips to the ER have not involved the stairs. Falls can be caused by something as simple as getting on a step stool to adjust the duct vents or to reach a higher place on a shelf or cabinet. This has occurred three times. They can be caused by stumbling over an area rug, which occurred twice and resulted in trip to rehab. It could be something as simple as losing one's balance in reaching to open a bathroom door which was the last fall that sent her to rehab. A therapist or an aging in place specialist could point out things that can be done to make the home safer and more accessible for your dad. Some measures can be done by your family without cost.
Location: Scott County, Tennessee/by way of Detroit
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Did Hospice have any ideas? It is too bad your mom would not be open to someone coming in..if just for little things.They don't have to take over the household or spend all day there... Just do a little light stuff and maybe even just for companionship or to stay when your mom needed to get out. I did that for a long time..just change the sheets, light cleaning, eating with him once in a while...I didn't charge much and the family was ever so grateful...if they are pretty much in good health you don't need a trained professional..just a helper..I hope somehow this all works out for you...it is a worry...
I also agree about what the previous poster said about the aging specialist....sometimes cities or counties depending on how big or how resourceful have ideas and things for seniors that they can take advantage of..I know our county health dept. came and put a few bars in the bathroom so my friend wouldn't fall in the tub free of charge.. GOOD LUCK!!!
If your dad is a military veteran, you could check about availability of respite care through the VA Healthcare system, U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs. You can also check with social services. If the situation gets bad, you can call APS and tell them that you have an adult in need of care and they will investigate. I know it has to be a tough call in your position. I had a friend whose husband had Alzheimer's and she was determined to keep him at home and care for him but the kids insisted he go into an adult care home because she was so worn out that she was jeopardizing her own health but she did not even realize this until someone sat her down and told her that her husband needed her to be well so that she could advocate for him and she couldn't do that if she were down herself. The kids that insisted she take care of herself where her stepchildren and she realizes how lucky she is to have them in her life. I'm guessing you realize the situation won't get better without someone stepping in. Take care of yourself.
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To answer your questions, my mom's been offered to have a minister talk to her, but she graciously refused it. They have a gardener, but never had a cook, housekeeper, etc.
